Love You Most

When I was in the midst, all those times, of crushing depression, I did not think I was lovable.  I did not think I would ever find another human being who would see worth in me other than my parents.  I didn’t think I was in any way attractive, or funny, or caring.  I didn’t feel like I was a good friend or an interesting person to be around.  I hated myself, and my mother and everything I heard said that you can’t truly love someone until you love yourself.

Fast-forward to present-day.  It has been six months since I have felt that bone-crushing depression.  I have felt more alive in the past six months than I have in my entire life.  I am aware of who I am and I have let go, for the most part, of those little voices in my head that told me I am not good enough, will never be good enough, for anything positive to happen in my life.  I have come full-circle to accept myself and the way that I am.  I laugh at it now.  I laugh at my “blondeness” and all the (well-deserved) jokes that come with it.  I can look at myself in a mirror and see more positive than negative.

I am my own worst critic, always have been and probably always will be.  My inner critic has become less harsh over the past year and I consider that a miracle because that inner critic has been bashing me inside my head for at least 20 years.  That bitch has let up and I am immensely grateful.

I’m realizing all of these things, almost as I type them.  When I got online to blog, I was going to talk about DSB and how amazing he is.  And he is amazing in many ways, let me tell you, but what is most amazing is how he has helped me to become a better, happier person over the last year.

DSB arrived in March 2012.  I was very depressed and agitated and irritable and basically bug-nuts crazy when we met.  I thought for months that he would leave me, because I was so difficult to be around and in a word, was a total bitch.  He stuck by me, though, rarely leaving my side.  He drove me to a partial hospital program, dropping me off in the morning, meeting me for lunch, and picking me up at the end of the day.  When that didn’t take, he drove me 45 minutes away to an intensive outpatient DBT program, waited in the car three hours for me to finish, and then drove me home.  He did that five days a week for almost two months.

I couldn’t understand at the time why he would do this.  I was unloveable, pure and simple.  No one in their right mind would want to be around me, nevertheless see any goodness within me.  I hated myself on the deepest level.  Right before the outpatient DBT program, I put DSB and my family through hell and checked myself into an inpatient facility.  I have never seen him so broken since.  He was lost and I did that to him.  I hated myself for it.  He was there every opportunity he had, bringing me cherry limeades from Sonic and giving me hugs that I didn’t think I deserved.

It has been a long road from last March to this March and I am beyond thankful that the darkest of those times are over.  I made it through with my sanity intact, and even more importantly, I still have DSB and he still loves me more than I can fathom.  Probably just like I love him more than he can ever understand.  I truly believe that DSB has been key in me becoming who I am today.  Without him, I would likely be dead.  Literally.  Without his love, I would still be dead, on the inside.

This has been a bit rambling, but it is difficult to put into words how much DSB means to me and how much he has helped me change my life and realize some of the things that I mentioned above.  I am different person now than I was a year ago.  A person I have never been before nor had any inkling was inside me.  I firmly believe he helped me bring that bright and shining and truly happy person out and I want that to stay as fresh in my mind as it is right now.

A few days early, I know, but Happy Day-We-Knew-Each-Other-Existed 3.10.2012, DSB.  Much love and hugs to come!

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