I have noticed in the last five days (yes, five days exactly) that my mood has been less than stellar. I have been crying frequently and with little provocation, I have been unbearably anxious, and I have felt deeply sad. I have been neglecting my daily chores and have fallen out of routine.
I have spent several hours today telling myself that this doesn’t mean I am at the beginning of an episode. Sometimes, I feel just fine, after all. It’s that nagging sense of overall, all-consuming irritability that keeps me questioning myself.
Throughout the crying, the sadness, the anxiety, my mind is clear and razor sharp. There is no fog, no fuzziness. I have energy, physically and mentally. I know that is the Ritalin, keeping those feelings going while the other feelings and sensations are flooding in. Seems like, in the past (pre-Ritalin), when I have the negative feelings, there was always a fog.
Seems like I would appreciate a little fog right now, much as I hate to think that way. Something to blunt things a little, to keep everything from being so in-my-face. Instead of that fog, my mind is rational, trying to pick apart just why I am feeling this way.
My best guess is that I am at the end of my three-month birth control cycle. I am not overdue, but there is much less of the hormone circulating through my blood than throughout the previous three months. I know that can throw me off. I am going on Friday to get my shot and hopefully that will clear things up a bit.
Other guesses include not sleeping as well, reading less, not following a strict routine, having less daily interaction with others. My hope is that things will just clear up without too much worry and wondering. I know that I haven’t felt this level of irritability or sadness in a long time and it is really starting to get to me. I am not ready for another episode. I want to live my life without all of this bullshit, but it keeps coming to the foreground.
One of the worst things about having bipolar, in my opinion, is that you learn, over time, to not trust how you feel. You think you feel good and then up, up, and away, you’re manic. You think you’re a little sad and then it snowballs and you’re deeply depressed. So right now, I know I am feeling off, and I am not trusting it to be some small, insignificant event. Maybe that is the wrong approach.
I just know, for me, I have to be constantly mindful of how I feel or I lose track of myself, end up wishing away some of the best things that could have happened to me.