Overall, the last week has gone rather well, especially the latter part. I worked Thurs-Sat, we were quite busy, and I handled it. I went to a busy grocery store on Friday at 5:00 p.m., which was actually quite brave of me. Friday-payday-just-off-work crowd had the place slammed and I am usually so not good with that.
But, I was on a mission and I survived. With barely any anxiety. As I texted my mom…”I killed that bitch!” And I rewarded myself with a dollar vanilla cone from Sonic. Victory never tasted so good. I have barely been able to step foot in that grocery store, crowded or not, for over a year due to social anxiety. I honestly don’t know what came over me, other than I was just plain determined.
I saw the doctor on Monday and he said my foot was still “cracked,” but then he poked and prodded it, determined I wasn’t in any pain, and told me I could take the boot off and resume my normal business. So, I did.
By Thursday, an hour into my shift at the store, I was calling my mom and asking her to bring me my boot. Foot is totally killing me. Worse than right before I took it off. I am beyond bummed about it and pretty pissed at my doctor, and even more so with myself for listening to my quack doctor. I have an appointment with an orthopedic specialist on Monday for a second opinion, so we will see how that goes.
DSB sees the urologist and gets the results of his tests on Monday, as well. Monday could be a good or crap day, depending. Right now, I’m just trying not to anticipate and to live in the moment. Adaptive denial, I believe they call it.
QoB has been out of town since Thursday and is not due back until Tuesday. Life is a little different around the edges without her around in many ways, but it seems like she is having fun and a much-needed vacation. It’s a good thing, because once the season starts at the stores, she won’t have a lot of extra time.
I am still feeling like I have to explain every move and emotion to DSB (through no fault of his own), and it’s not a good feeling. I still feel like I have to be on the defensive, and it doesn’t feel good. I think I have some past trauma stuff popping up when it comes to all of that, and I am hopefully going to be working on all of that soon in therapy. I think it is much needed, especially for the sake of DSB and mine’s relationship.
Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph and it is just now making sense that the way I act in this relationship could be influenced by past abusive relationship. My brain has been in complete denial! Off to do some research!