This and That

Overall, the last week has gone rather well, especially the latter part.  I worked Thurs-Sat, we were quite busy, and I handled it.  I went to a busy grocery store on Friday at 5:00 p.m., which was actually quite brave of me.  Friday-payday-just-off-work crowd had the place slammed and I am usually so not good with that.

But, I was on a mission and I survived.  With barely any anxiety.  As I texted my mom…”I killed that bitch!”  And I rewarded myself with a dollar vanilla cone from Sonic.  Victory never tasted so good.  I have barely been able to step foot in that grocery store, crowded or not, for over a year due to social anxiety.  I honestly don’t know what came over me, other than I was just plain determined.

I saw the doctor on Monday and he said my foot was still “cracked,” but then he poked and prodded it, determined I wasn’t in any pain, and told me I could take the boot off and resume my normal business.  So, I did.

By Thursday, an hour into my shift at the store, I was calling my mom and asking her to bring me my boot.  Foot is totally killing me.  Worse than right before I took  it off.  I am beyond bummed about it and pretty pissed at my doctor, and even more so with myself for listening to my quack doctor.  I have an appointment with an orthopedic specialist on Monday for a second opinion, so we will see how that goes.

DSB sees the urologist and gets the results of his tests on Monday, as well.  Monday could be a good or crap day, depending.  Right now, I’m just trying not to anticipate and to live in the moment.  Adaptive denial, I believe they call it.

QoB has been out of town since Thursday and is not due back until Tuesday.  Life is a little different around the edges without her around in many ways, but it seems like she is having fun and a much-needed vacation.  It’s a good thing, because once the season starts at the stores, she won’t have a lot of extra time.

I am still feeling like I have to explain every move and emotion to DSB (through no fault of his own), and it’s not a good feeling.  I still feel like I have to be on the defensive, and it doesn’t feel good.  I think I have some past trauma stuff popping up when it comes to all of that, and I am hopefully going to be working on all of that soon in therapy. I think it is much needed, especially for the sake of DSB and mine’s relationship.

Wow, I just re-read that last paragraph and it is just now making sense that the way I act in this relationship could be influenced by past abusive relationship.  My brain has been in complete denial!  Off to do some research!


One thought on “This and That

  1. Ah, break-thru moment. Read/re-read, rinse and repeat those last two paragraphs. Perhaps even discuss with DSB. 😉 Then read/re-read yer next entry about bad relationships and Dr. Love, etc. And ponder how hard it is to break old relating habits and move forward. Rinse and repeat as needed. XOXO


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