Sometimes, when I’m out and about, I get this feeling that I just don’t want to go home yet. It’s almost a sense that there is something bad waiting for me there. Don’t get me wrong, there really isn’t. DSB is kind and sweet and the pups are the best. But still, sometimes, I don’t want to go home.
On occasion, I don’t want to go home because I don’t want to interact. I would rather think and be still and not have to utter a word, even if it was only one word. There are times that I don’t want to go home because I don’t want to face my poor housekeeping. Other times, I just don’t wanna.
Today in particular, I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to go see my mom and talk to her. DSB and I had stopped by my godparents’ home, now vacant, with the Bird Lady dead and my godfather in a nursing home. I have some happy memories of that place, and it reminded me and I remembered and now I feel sad.
I also was reminded of the year I spent there with Dr. Love, a year of near-constant bickering and arguing and passive-agressiveness and almost no love. I feel sick when I think about that relationship. It should have never happened. But, it did. I have to deal with that and those memories, and that made me sad and anxious and mad.
So, we did end up coming almost directly home from there. I feel almost sick over today, when there is so much to be grateful for, which makes me feel even the more sick that I feel this way.
DSB saw his doctor and the cancer has not spread. They are going to remove his left kidney, but he’ll be fine. No chemo, no radiation, just a short hospital visit and about a month’s recovery time.
I saw my orthopedic specialist who informed me that my foot has healed completely and perfectly, and that I am in pain because I need to wean myself off the boot instead of trying to do everything all at once without it.
So, two happy, good, awesome things happened today. I am not appreciating it and I hate that.
I feel as if I may cry, I feel as if I may throw a chair out the window. I also feel as if I may just get naked and go huddle into the fetal position in bed and not come out until today has passed.
This isn’t fair. I can’t let my emotions get hijacked like that. I should have been on higher alert, or something. I should feel positive and happy and relieved. Instead, I feel anxious, sad, and angry. I can’t see the good for the bad and that just isn’t fair to DSB. I need to snap the fuck out of this ASAP before something truly dire does happen, like breaking all the glass windows out in my sunroom. Because that sounds pretty good about now.
One thought on “Go Home”
You are speaking my language. I often have the opposite problem. I don’t want to leave my home, or I don’t want to go to sleep. I want to stay up and hold on. To what? I often wonder. For me, personally, I’ve come to view it as a simple control mechanism.
It’s another way I display my lack of trust. I want to trust more. I have food in the cupboard, a roof over my head, and clean water to drink. I am wealthy by many standards. I want to be grateful tonight that I have a bed.