I Asked For More

The past several weeks have been very hard on me and I have been doing my very best to just push all thoughts and feelings to the side.  That is starting to have a negative effect on me and I felt the need tonight to let some things out there.

DSB had surgery on Monday and while the actual surgery went well (kidney removed, cancer removed, all textbook), the aftermath has been hell.  I have never been so close to a person who is in such pain.  My grandpa was in a lot of pain throughout his life, but it seemed like he always put a positive glint on everything.  DSB is struggling to do this, and so I am struggling.

I haven’t slept worth a damn in three days, and it doesn’t look like tonight is going to be much better.  DSB is scheduled to come home in the morning and I am terrified.  Terrified of how I am going to care for him and still care for myself.  Terrified that the house is too dirty and there are too many germs.  Terrified that the dogs will jump all over him and rip his stitches.  Simply terrified.

There are a few things that have kept me going recently and they include therapy and working at my parents’ shop.  I am finding very little joy and too much stress in my everyday activities and yet I know I must try harder.  

I must try  harder to keep up my house and my surroundings.  I must try harder to take better care of myself.  I must pet Kizzie more often and sit outside more.  I must try to come to some sort of common understanding with DSB about so many things.  

I find myself crying frequently over the past few days.  I know it is the stress of DSB’s surgery, but as i said before, I am terrified of what comes next.  And then he talks about getting gastric bypass in the Fall.  It’s not that I don’t support him doing that, in general, it’s just that it’s more.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t take anymore, and then I realize that when I fell in love with DSB, that I was basically asking for more.

I find myself searching for some sort of cosmic wisdom or God or anything out there that I can turn to for some guidance and come up lacking.  I need to find peace in something but it is just so damn hard.  It feels like my life is in flux and I am unhappy.  I should revise.  The three things that keep me happy are love, therapy, and working in a damn bait store.  If i could just go there and count and sort hooks and put them into packages, and do some easy filing, life would be ok, for just a little bit.

I’m just overwhelmed and not sleeping isn’t helping things.  I feel like I have to make decisions between people I love and I hate that.  I should shut it while I’m ahead.  If you pray, say one for me.  If you don’t, throw some cosmic energy my way.  I could really use it.

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