Seems like I have been getting online less and less lately, which means even fewer blog posts. I have been getting caught up in my little bitty part-time job, therapy, making an effort to spend quality time with DSB, and am also enjoying spending some time weekly with my dad.
I have this fleeting concern about something, however, and what better place to process it than here? I am really, really, really getting tired of therapy. For a lot of reasons. It doesn’t feel like much progress is being made. I am reluctant to talk with my therapist about many things, and oftentimes it seems like a session goes by with just general bullshit. And sometimes, I even find myself thinking that way about DBT. Sure, its a good practice and has been helpful, but do I really need to be completely entrenched in it, with everything going back to it?
I just don’t feel like I am moving forward, and a big part of my issue with feeling like I am not moving forward is that I am completely and totally goal-less. I don’t really have any big hopes and dreams. I would like to be a bit (or a lot) better in the domestic realm, and take care of myself better, but other than that, really nothing.
It is almost like I have become ambivalent about progressing. I think that boils down two a few things. One, there are a couple of big issues that I just don’t want to tackle. Two, I really do like my life how it is for the most part and I don’t like hearing my therapist say I am not in the “action” stage of recovery, but in the “acceptance” stage of recovery. What kind of bullshit is that?
Well, I asked her that. And she immediately said she must have been wrong. No, seriously, you think something about me, you can at least be honest about it. But, no. I really don’t know what I want to get out of therapy and I don’t know that it is helping me at this point, persay. I think I am going to have to have this discussion with her tomorrow. Maybe I need to get away from DBT and do something else for awhile. Maybe DBT isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I used to work with a psychologist at my last job who said that DBT was for people who couldn’t think. I wonder if maybe she is right.
It’s also possible that I am just pissed off at my therapist that she smacked that label on me about being in the “acceptance” stage of recovery and then withdrew it so quickly. If that’s what you really think, then man up and have the balls to tell me why you think that, even if we disagree.
Willfullness is rearing it’s ugly head again and I don’t know if I have enough of the king’s horses and men to tamp it back down again.