Throwing a Wrench into Things

Ahhh the past few days have not gone my way.  After getting an estimate yesterday for the fried AC and kaput hot water heater, it seems that I will be going for awhile without both.  Why do things have to be so gosh-darn expensive?

I can live without AC, no problem, but hot water is essential to daily tasks, mundane tasks, like showering, washing dishes, doing laundry.  I really don’t know what a girl is to do!  DSB is hell-bent on getting the AC going and is not at all worried about the hot water heater, but it could be because he doesn’t do any of the aforementioned things (showering, washing dishes, or doing laundry).  I guess he figures it will take care of itself, and he can take cold showers!

There is also the issue of the rarely-functional sump pump in the basement.  I am going to talk to Big Dog and see if he can help me fix that problem, but I worry about what happens if we’re in the  middle of a thunderstorm with heavy rain and the power goes out.  What happens then?  Do I go downstairs with buckets and try to take care of the issue that way?  I’m just at a loss.

In other crap news, I missed having lunch with my dad yesterday.  I had to wait for the repairman to do an estimate, and then my mom’s fridge took a shit and I had to go help her with that.  I also did three dishwasher loads of dishes yesterday (that shit piles up when you have no water) at my mom’s house and she did most of my laundry.  I also took a much-needed shower over there.  Thank God for QoB!

Times have also been tough with DSB and I lately.  For the past several months, he has had increasing issues with chronic pain, and then to top it off, severe nausea almost every day due to pain and the kidney issue.  And then there was the issue of the kidney removal itself.  He has been through a lot, but what isn’t realized is that it puts me through a lot, too.

I am surprised that I have not been thrown into an emotional downward spiral with all of the stress.  I am managing, with the support of my parents, medication, and general good luck.  I am taking care of myself, losing weight, and trying to take care of myself as much as possible.  It hasn’t been easy.

But the problems with DSB and I remain.  We had a big talk last night and I told him that it didn’t feel like he wanted me or loved me, because he is never affectionate with me.  How hard is it to give someone an unexpected hug, or even an appreciative slap on the ass?  I just don’t get it.

He says he is going to go away for a month to visit his family.  I feel both relief and trepidation with this.  He is taking his dog with him, so it is altogether possible, I suppose, that he would just leave and not come back, being as his dog is one of maybe two reasons that he hasn’t gone completely off the deep end (or has he?).  I wonder if that wouldn’t’ be for the best, but then again, I don’t know.  

I just know that I am quite unhappy in this relationship and really don’t know what to do.  I try to talk about it in therapy, but get nowhere.  QoB listens to me rant and rave, but she can’t and won’t tell me what to do about it, just encouraging me to talk with him.  Unfortunately, talking to him is like talking to a blank wall.

DSb has been there with me through one of the worst episodes I have had, so I guess I feel a sense of obligation to stick with him through this dark time in my life. I just wonder if he will be able to pull himself out of it, and I also wonder, did he think the same way at times, when I was going through the shits of mania and depression?


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