Uncertainty (and Gratitude) by the Bucket-full

I went months without needing to use more than two or three PRN’s a month, but here lately, it has become almost a daily thing.  I cannot shake this overwhelming anxiety I am feeling.  I know there has been a lot of stress in my life lately, and ongoing, but I just don’t feel like I can get it together in this department.

I saw my only, dearest, baby sister yesterday for a brief time.  We met for coffee and I talked with her about how I am not sleeping and about the horrible anxiety.  I told her how I was afraid that a continued lack of sleep would send me into an episode.  She just sat calmly and oh-so-collected (like only she can) and asked if I had told my psychiatrist about this.  Well, no, I haven’t.  She  then urged me to call the mental health center right then and there and ask what the earliest appointment with my pdoc I could get would be.

She is so right, about so many things.  I was able to get an appointment 25 minutes later, and though it cut our visit short, I was just so damn grateful for her listening and caring and making the suggestion.  I don’t think she knows how incredibly supportive she is, just by making sure that I know she cares and that she loves me very much.  We haven’t always been close, but it feels like we are getting closer by the minute and I just love her so much and am so thankful for the love that she gives me.  I couldn’t ask for a better sister and I would go through hell and back to keep her love.

Meanwhile, I went and saw my pdoc.  He is an older gentelman, quiet, calm, reserved.  He listens more than any pdoc I have ever had and has the best approach to solving problems, big and small.  Even though he had only been notified of my appointment 25 minutes earlier, when I saw him he had read through the last several progress notes from my therapist, so he has some idea of what I am going through.

I talked with him about not sleeping and he basically said we have to nip that in the bud, now!  He had already looked back through my chart at medications that I have taken in the past and noticed that I have tried small doses of Seroquel before with the reason I stopped taking it being that it gave me too much of a hangover in the morning and I couldn’t function at work that way.

Since I no longer have to be up for work at 8:00am, he wants me to give the Seroquel a try again, and just to use it until I can get my sleep pattern straightened out again.  He also gave me some reassurance about using my PRN and basically said that’s what it’s there for and it didn’t sound to him like I am abusing it at all.  He said that, as the stress in my life lessens, I just won’t need it as much anymore.

It was nice not to have to see my therapist or go to group this week, but I really could have used some professional opinions on things going on in my life.  Not even an opinion is necessary, just someone to bounce things off of.  I can use DSB and QoB for that to a degree, but there are some things that I don’t/can’t/shouldn’t talk about with them.

I have a lot in my life to be thankful for.  I have very supportive parents, I have reconnected beautifully with both my dad and my sister, my previous therapist, Goddess of Mindfulness, has given me a beautiful gift in forgiving my debt to her, DSB and I are mending fences here and there, and I think things are truly going to start looking up.

There is still a lot of stress and tension and conflict, and I really must find a new therapist, but I get this sense deep down, as I type this, that everything really is going to be okay.  I haven’t felt that way for awhile now, and it’s such a good feeling to have.


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