Blowing Things Out of Proportion, Rose Style

I feel a little funny right now.  Kind of small and unimportant and cluttered and dumb.  And abnormally tired.  Like I could fall asleep, sitting in front of my laptop, in my work clothes and shoes.  I don’t like these feelings, but they don’t come around super often.  At least, they haven’t been recently.

I didn’t get much sleep last night.  Lots of getting up to pee and then, oh whee!, pretzels!  Necessitating more fluid intake.  Vicious cycle.  I thought I’d be ok though, because I didn’t feel tired when I woke up.  I felt wired and super-alive (I can’t explain exactly what that means, sorry).  And then I drank a pot of coffee.  That was not a good idea.

I sat and chatted with DSB this morning (while drinking copious amounts of coffee, and chainsmoking, I might add) for a couple of hours before I went into work.  I faintly recall that I did most of the talking and he did a lot of grunting.  I’m relatively certain it’s not always like that.

I went into work in a good mood and then I ran into a wall of shit, mere moments after I had entered.  I don’t know this person well, as he is one of my parents’ new employees, and about a month ago I thought he was a pretty decent guy.  He doesn’t strike me as such anymore.  It is almost like, at some point in time, I have greatly offended him and he is doing everything he can to avoid being around me or having to talk to me.

I’m sure the one person who reads this blog who also knows this guy (hi, Mom!) is shaking her head and saying, “That Rose.  She’s always been a sensitive one.”  Well I’ll cop to that, but I do think something is going on with this guy.  It’s either that or he’s a total piece of shit and we have all over-estimated his seeming awesomeness.

So, hence the feeling small and unimportant and dumb.  Little things, over the course of the day, gave me enough good feelings that I didn’t have to pull the “I’m crazy” card and bolt out of there.  But I sure wanted to at times.  About the worst thing you can do to me is ignore me.  I hate being ignored.  If I say something to you, respond.  It’s common courtesy.  I see you speaking to other employees, you can show me the same respect.

What the fuck ever.  Enough of all that!  Sometimes I wish I had a thicker skin and could just let things bounce off me, but I take all that shit in, magnify it times a million, and then I end up feeling like I do now.  Oh, and let’s take a little anxiety and throw it in for good measure.

I have gone five days without taking a Klonopin PRN, which is good, especially because the last month or so, I’ve been taking them almost every other, sometimes every day.  I am seriously pondering taking one now, and I know I really should so I don’t continue to ramp up, but I’m really trying to relax and do a little mindfulness and get over this hump without it.

But here we are an hour off work and a negative tape is starting to play in my head and my chest is tight and aching and my brain is spewing sewage at me.  Sometimes a little Klonopin is all right.  At least that’s what I tell myself.

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2 thoughts on “Blowing Things Out of Proportion, Rose Style

  1. I have total belief in better living through chemistry. Sure it can be misused, but I’m very grateful at meds helping to turn my life around.

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    • Amen to that! I did end up taking a Klonopin and also felt much better after I had blogged about it. I see blogging as a little bit of therapy. I definitely agree that PRN meds can be misused, but I am super-careful about taking them only when truly necessary. Thanks for your comment!

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