For those of you who read yesterday’s post, I would like it to be known that I cleaned up and organized the most cluttered, chaotic, consistently out-of-control room in my house. That’s right, I kicked my laundry room’s ass. I put all of my winter clothes away, did about six loads of laundry that’s been sitting around I-don’t-know-how-long, hung up or folded DSB’s entire wardrobe and my entire summer wardrobe (and we are not people with small wardrobes). That bitch is done, amen!
I also cooked a healthy, homemade meal and cleaned my kitchen. Those aren’t things I really give myself a pat on the back for because I do them every day, but I have to admit…it DOES feel good to do those things and do them consistently and well. Hooray for that!
On the flip side, I have been really hard on myself lately, and I although I think I deserve every bit about it, all of the guilt and angst and wasted emotion is really eating me up. It’s affecting my sleep, and Lord knows that when my sleep gets affected, bad things happen. And also let’s say that, when I’m in wise mind, I know that I don’t really deserve quite all of that nastiness.
And let’s also say that I have been having one hell of a time getting into wise mind. I don’t think it’s from lack of trying, either. I keep having these hugely reactive emotion mind episodes. It seems like my first instinct is to scream, “NO!” at me, anytime the said person asks me to do something.
I feel like I am so negative toward everyone and everything in my life, and like I’m always saying no, no, no, no, no, when people ask me to do something. I know in some ways, I am trying to protect myself because it just feels inside like I am very fragile right now and I can’t quite explain it. I just feel really sensitive, like I’m going to crack open at any time and I won’t be able to put myself back together.
I’m at a point where I’m not sure what I should do to make myself feel better. Of course, there are things I could do, but I have no faith that any of it would make me feel better. No faith in DBT, no faith in myself, no faith in anyone, really. Where does one go from here?