Self-Loathing Right Below the Surface

As far as things go, I am still relatively stable.  I do, however, feel this downward trend as far as my self-concept goes.  As I have said before, I have been terribly hard on myself lately and I can’t seem to kick these negative thoughts that keep running through my head.

I find myself trying to force others to be openly and strongly critical of me, as crazy as that sounds.  I’m setting people up to say, “Rose, you failed and you are lazy and worthless and dumber than a box of rocks.”  Of course, the people that love me aren’t going to say that, but I continue my attempts at goading them into it.

Is it not enough for me to indulge repeatedly and constantly in self-flagellation, to continually think about my faults and weaknesses and shortcomings?  Do I really need to bring others into this nasty little circle of hell?

My uncle (my dad’s brother) is coming to town, is, in fact in town, and I will be meeting up with him and my dad tomorrow.  I haven’t seen this uncle in three years, and then only briefly (it was my sister’s wedding).  My uncle is super, killer, wicked smart, well-read, highly-educated, knows gobs about everything, and is nice and charming to boot.  He has two daughters who have done very well for themselves, one about to be married and working high-up in the financial world and the other off to med school.  He is very proud and he should be.  I’m proud of my cousins, too.  Anybody would be!

My uncle is visiting my sister and her husband tonight.  They are both wildly successful, if I haven’t mentioned it before, wildly intelligent, fun, witty, smart, and hip people.  I love them to bits and pieces.  Where am I going with this?

Oh yeah, ok.  I’m embarrassed.  I’m embarrassed of who I am and where my life has led and my circumstances.

******Entre DSB, who gives me a What the FUCK talk.

Back to what I was saying.  I actually have achieved a lot in the course of my life.  I am living with a very difficult mental illness and I am still alive.  I have ingested no drugs or alcohol for almost 16 months.  I have not been manic in over a year and not seriously depressed in almost six.  I have a very part-time job in my parents’ retail store and I manage that okay.  There is a roof over my head that I can call mine, I (usually) can put a decent dinner on the table, and I have DSB, my best friend and my everything.  I have the strong love of my family and two pups that love me.

I might not be successful in a traditional way, but I think in my own little way, I am.

Have I mentioned that I am having wildly vacillating emotions as of late?  This blog  post might give that away if I haven’t already.

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