In about an hour, I am going to see my uncle and Dad and do some serious hanging out. When I posted yesterday, I was very nervous about how I would be perceived, because I don’t have a very positive concept of myself. After a WTF talk with DSB, I was able to see that I am successful in some non-traditional ways.
A lot of the time, it seems like my mind and inner voice are lying to me. Telling me I am not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, successful enough. One of the things DSB pointed out to me is that I am always comparing myself to others. This is also something my current therapist was working on with me several months ago in therapy.
No one is better than anyone else. No one is worse than anyone else. I can’t wrap my head around it, really. We are all the same. But we’re not! I know this pattern of thinking is maladaptive and I think it is something I need to work on a little harder. I really don’t think we’re all the same. I think we’re all different, but not necessarily better or worse than the other. Unless it’s me we’re comparing. I’m always worse.
It is a constant fight to stay in wise mind, or to even get into wise mind. I spend so much time in emotion mind and very little in rational, that my worldviews and thoughts and feelings swing dramatically moment by moment. I am constantly in flux. Is that normal? I don’t think it is, really. There is very little that I believe in that I can stick with, no matter what.
I know there is love in my life. That is one thing I know for sure, but even then, a lot of times I am living in fear that it will go away. So even on that one, most certain thing, I see cracks in the pavement.
I am much less nervous about seeing my uncle today than I was yesterday. After DSB had his WTF talk with me, some of it is sticking to the inside of my brain…that I am successful in my own, non-traditional way. For right now, I’m okay with that and I just need to keep it in mind.