Change is happening. I find that, when you tell the truth, the very real truth, about what you need and what you are going through, that people come through for you. After talking to Goddess of Mindfulness on Friday, I had the direction and the support and guidance I had been looking for in relation to this problem with my current therapist. Goddess of Mindfulness has always been such a solid person in my corner, and it’s really no surprise that she was of such help and comfort. I wish I had confided in her sooner.
Her suggestion was to talk with my pdoc, who I finangled a same-day appointment with yesterday. He was also very supportive and in agreement that I need to work on my trauma issues so that I can get some peace and decrease this building anxiety. He made it all very simple and actually emailed the Director of Outpatient Therapy while I was there in his office.
I told him I didn’t want to do DBT anymore and that I wouldn’t go to group. He actually agreed that he didn’t think group was a good fit for me. Why hadn’t I talked with him about this sooner? This guy is in my corner! He said he thought I needed to do some serious trauma work and also to work on my anxiety, and he was going to help me find a therapist to help me with that.
The wheels turned more quickly than I could have imagined and I had a call from the Director of Outpatient Therapy today, telling me that I was being reassigned immediately and that I would be assigned to the therapist that Goddess of Mindfulness had recommended. She asked me some questions about the problems I have been having and said she thought this new therapist would be an excellent fit. It seems that anxiety disorders are her specialty and she is very kind and caring. I need that, seriously.
So, I have my final appointment with my current therapist on Friday at 10:00 am. I am going to tell her during that appointment that I am moving on to do trauma work in a non-DBT based therapy, and I hope she will be understanding and not flippant, like she is about so many things. I just need for my time with her to be over and I think it is appropriate to give it closure, even though I would not necessarily be required to, as the Director of Outpatient Therapy had told me that she could just take care of it if I wanted.
I am nervous for the trauma work to begin, but I know I desperately need it. I am starting to get in a pattern again where it is hard for me to go places like the grocery store or to buy gas. I am finding myself taking a PRN Klonopin several times a week and I don’t want to have to do that. I find myself having panic attacks and nightmares and recurring flashbacks. When my mood is relatively stable, like it is now, it is very frustrating to be going through this.
I am ever mindful that Fall is coming, and, although I didn’t struggle so mightily last year, it and Winter have always been difficult for me. I may need to use my sun lamp, I may not. I do know that I can’t fixate on Fall coming, or things will fall apart. It is what it is. I just know that I need to get in there and really work on things, so I can feel better, and so I can be a little kinder to the people around me.