I’ve been away for far too long, and am mostly irritated about that because then I’m not able to have any perspective on what I’ve been going through. As far as I can tell, here lately, my modus operandi has been to struggle, partially drown, and then float again. And here I am struggling again, when just last week, I was floating. I don’t want to drown again, but I seem unable to stop this cycle.
When I was feeling altogether “well” last week, I think it was because I was getting a lot accomplished. I was taking care of the house, making sure dinners got on the table, reading quite a bit, and in general having an upbeat attitude. When I don’t get a lot accomplished, as has been the case this week, my moods darken and I become quite irritable and hard to get along with.
It is annoying to me, to have come (seemingly) so far through miserable bipolar disorder to keep being tripped up. I mean, you’d think I’d have it figured out by now, right? I so wish. Well, part of it, I think I do have figured out.
When DSB is busy and active and doing his thing up in the shop, I (generally) read more, get more done, and make time for things like mindfulness and self-care. Now, if DSB is inside, not doing much, watching TV, I will be right there with him, even though there are pressing matters at hand like the fact that he is out of work clothes and the dishes are piling up and there’s trash scattered throughout the kitchen.
Here’s my thing. And I have always been like this. When I am in a relationship, I am literally glued to the ass of the person I am with. It is only when DSB steps away to take care of business up in the shop that I become my own person again. Kind of like, well, he’s paying attention to something else and there’s no chance I can have his attention, then I’ll go do something productive. This just does not work.
DSB has been inside and sick for the last four days and I have accomplished nothing other than watching TV with him. I have kept the kitchen relatively clean, but it’s so DIFFICULT to do that when my whacked-out brain says, “But you could be spending time with DSB right now!”
Am I really that starved for attention? Well, yes, yes, I think I am. I want to do everything in my power so that he does not leave. Is he thinking about leaving? Well, no. But he could change his mind at any time! Oh the insecurities!
I think it is possible I am “enmeshed” with DSB. I seem to feel and experience everything he goes through. There is no me, no Rose. There’s just Rose and DSB. He has as much said, however, that I don’t spend enough time with him. So, maybe he is having issues too.
I really need to talk about this with my new therapist (who I am actually liking now) and thankfully, I see her tomorrow. It will be interesting to get her take on it.