Ack, what a day. There’s been individual therapy. There’s been group therapy at the mental health center, and there’s been the bringing-Rose-back-to-reality therapy with QoB and DSB. I am done therapizing for the day.
Which isn’t to say that it wasn’t all fairly helpful, giving me some good ideas for what I want to do in the future. As is well known by now, I am doing some trauma work in individual therapy. So far, it hasn’t been so bad. In upcoming weeks, I will be writing letters that I do not send. Letters to people who are featured in my most awful of memories, who both star and lurk in my flashbacks, letters to people that I feel wronged by. This could turn into a lot of letter writing, but I think I’m up for it. I can visualize writing a letter to that one ex-boyfriend who always took up his anger with me, abusing me in many ways. I can picture writing that letter, feeling cleansed, and then lighting it afire. Now, lighting it afire was not suggested by the therapist, but I think I may want to consider it.
I think I’m going to keep doing group for awhile longer. Technically, my last day would be one week for today. I just don’t feel like I’m ready yet. I feel like there is more for me to learn about how to live my life in a more full and satisfying way, and I feel like I am getting that in group. It is out-of-town, and I am scheduled to work on Fridays, so I think I will spend a few weeks just going Mondays and Wednesdays. I haven’t really talked with anyone in my support system about it yet, and I am somewhat afraid of what they will say, but at the same time, this is my life and I have to live it in a way I see fit. So there.
Group therapy with DSB and QoB usually ends with some kind of disappointment. Usually, it’s that I have this idea in my head, and then they tell me it’s not realistic and go stomping all over that. While I might add that they do it in the most delicate and helpful of ways, that’s still what it feels like.
I was really proud of myself that I am leaning more about how to fill out my activity log, and I shared with QoB and DSB what I would be doing tomorrow. They were both like, well, that’s just not possible, Rose. You can’t dust your entire house and clean your floors all in one day. There’s not enough time. I thought, maybe they’re right, QoB definitely does more cleaning than I do. And even DSB agreed.
So now, I’m gonna dust my entire house, bring my plants in, touch-up the kitchen, and do a couple loads of laundry. I think that sounds do-able. They do have a point when they said I set myself up for failure by putting too much on my plate. Somehow I have grown to be 32 years old and can’t recognize when I’ve put too much on my plate. That is a crap feeling, but I’m glad I have QoB and DSB to point me down the straight and narrow. At least until I get all this domestic bliss bullshit figured out.
It does get easier, right?