Oh, I had such plans for yesterday, but as I blogged about procrastination, it became all too clear that I simply wasn’t going to get done everything I had planned. And I didn’t. And it wasn’t quite good enough, I, personally wasn’t quite “good enough.”
I sat stuck in this idea for a good bit. I tried music, meditation, and tried to validate myself that I did get quite a bit done. “But not everything,” I kept reminding myself. DSB came in and commented on how much I had accomplished. That whisper in my head still ever-present, “But not quite good enough.”
And I fed that whisper with my continued self-doubt, self-loathing. I fed him until he filled up the room and squeezed the air from my lungs. I fed him until he was all I could see in front of me. “You, Rose, are not quite good enough.”
It took the better part of the evening, a PRN Klonopin, some journaling, and a lot of self-introspection before I could start to put off that whisper. To tell that whisper to go right back to the hell it came from. In days and years past, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.
What did I do to get this whisper out of my head? I wrote a “done” list. Instead of looking at my to-do list and bemoaning the fact that not everything was crossed off, I pulled out a separate sheet of paper and wrote down every little thing that I had accomplished that day. And it turned out to be quite a lot.
I talked to QoB and the Big Dawg and told them I was going to continue with group, but would make myself available to work on Fridays. They insisted that I go to group all three days, and that was such a big relief. We are getting to a slower point in the season, so it isn’t really necessary to have two people there all day. The Big Dawg will still get to leave early, regardless of if I am there or not. The Wonder Boy will still work his same hours whether I’m there or not. It works out overall.
I am really excited about continuing group. It is good for me in a lot of ways and I can see real improvement in some areas of my life, and hope to see that improvement extend to other areas in days to come. I am thankful that Big Dawg and QoB were so supportive in letting me continue, and DSB is supportive of it, as well.
Sometimes I get this feeling that it really IS gonna be ok, without those words coming from someone else’s mouth. This is a feeling that is rising within me, coming straight from me. And sometimes I chant it to myself…gonna be ok…gonna be ok…gonna be ok. Whatever it takes, right?