Accepting “Not Quite Good Enough”

Oh, I had such plans for yesterday, but as I blogged about procrastination, it became all too clear that I simply wasn’t going to get done everything I had planned.  And I didn’t.  And it wasn’t quite good enough, I, personally wasn’t quite “good enough.”

I sat stuck in this idea for a good bit.  I tried music, meditation, and tried to validate myself that I did get quite a bit done.  “But not everything,” I kept reminding myself.  DSB came in and commented on how much I had accomplished.  That whisper in my head still ever-present, “But not quite good enough.”

And I fed that whisper with my continued self-doubt, self-loathing.  I fed him until he filled up the room and squeezed the air from my lungs.  I fed him until he was all I could see in front of me.  “You, Rose, are not quite good enough.”

It took the better part of the evening, a PRN Klonopin, some journaling, and a lot of self-introspection before I could start to put off that whisper.  To tell that whisper to go right back to the hell it came from.  In days and years past, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.

What did I do to get this whisper out of my head?  I wrote a “done” list.  Instead of looking at my to-do list and bemoaning the fact that not everything was crossed off, I pulled out a separate sheet of paper and wrote down every little thing that I had accomplished that day.  And it turned out to be quite a lot.

I talked to QoB and the Big Dawg and told them I was going to continue with group, but would make myself available to work on Fridays.  They insisted that I go to group all three days, and that was such a big relief.  We are getting to a slower point in the season, so it isn’t really necessary to have two people there all day.  The Big Dawg will still get to leave early, regardless of if I am there or not.  The Wonder Boy will still work his same hours whether I’m there or not.  It works out overall.

I am really excited about continuing group.  It is good for me in a lot of ways and I can see real improvement in some areas of my life, and hope to see that improvement extend to other areas in days to come.  I am thankful that Big Dawg and QoB were so supportive in letting me continue, and DSB is supportive of it, as well.

Sometimes I get this feeling that it really IS gonna be ok, without those words coming from someone else’s mouth.  This is a feeling that is rising within me, coming straight from me.  And sometimes I chant it to myself…gonna be ok…gonna be ok…gonna be ok.  Whatever it takes, right?

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One thought on “Accepting “Not Quite Good Enough”

  1. Cereally, I would take that new “can do” attitude, and tell “not good enough” whisperer to beat it the hell outta Dodge before sundown. ’tis an old whisper, deserving to be put aside, or buried in the back beneath a mimosa.

    If ya gotta do the “gonna be okay” chant, it beats the h-e-doublehockeysticks outta the alternative premise.

    My belief… you will get to the “it’s okay” chant, and it will be. …XOXO

    Like

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