So after a week’s worth, possibly more, of posts about depression, despair, hatred, anger, misery, so-on-and-so-forth, I’m on an upswing. For the past two or three days, I have been feeling much more like the “alive” Rose. I have been doing more, accomplishing more, taking enjoyment in everyday activities, doing things I like to do, and definitely (I think, anyway) being a more enjoyable person to be around.
So what does this all feel like? Well, it feels like I’ve had a lot of caffeine, but in a good way. I feel extremely, almost scarily clear and focused. I feel like I can accomplish tasks that seemed insurmountable just days ago. I am facing upcoming rainy, Fall weather, and I feel like I’ll get through it without a glitch.
I have had a lot of structure the last two to three days, and I know that helps. I worked on Saturday and Sunday, and had several things going on today where I was busy all day. I accomplished a lot at the store and feel really good about the direction the winter season will take for my job. I will be learning QuickBooks (book-keeping software) and more about Excel, and am quite excited about that. I am even more excited that, in learning these things, I will be able to help my mom more and I can do the rote work and she can focus on the more complicated tasks. It boils down to me being the QuickBooks bitch, and I’m okay with that.
I have decided to keep going to group, for now, even though I was thinking of not doing it to save money (it’s about a 30 minute drive from here). Group has been really helpful for me, and I really do enjoy it, so when I brought up the possibility of quitting with QoB, she suggested to me that I might occasionally be able to afford extra money for gas. Problem solved!
I don’t know why I hadn’t asked her about it before. I just keep trying to stretch my weekly money as far as it will go, and know that there are some things that I once considered essential or wouldn’t have batted an eyelash over buying are now just not in the cards. I have come to accept my more limited budget (I know, it’s been over a year now, but it’s a lot to come to grips with!) and be more creative with my money. I also get a lot of help from QoB and the Big Dawg, which I couldn’t be more grateful for, and, frankly, would be up shit creek without their assistance. My dad helps, too, when he can, and that is also appreciated. Every little bit helps.
I think the key to all of this happiness and clear-headedness and contentment is keeping to a schedule, staying structured, and getting things accomplished. I know this group I have been doing has done wonders at getting me to achieve goals I didn’t think were possible two months ago, like showering semi-regularly (I know, gross, but huge accomplishment). It also helps me to have a job, even if it is a bit of a cush job and very low-stress. I think I need to keep on with the structure, throw in a bit of sunlamp, and I am going to have a very functional, quasi-happy Fall.
And hooray for Ritalin. Just sayin’.
This sounds a little like me when I move from a depressive episode to a manic phase, my manic isn’t like tv manic it’s more productive and mild euphoria that I’m getting things done. I hope you stay as you are and things improve more and more 🙂
LikeLike
Wise thoughts from mckarlie, mija, and ditto to yer thoughts. What I would’ve said, only better comin’ from outside the familia box. 😉
LikeLike
mckarlie, I sure hope you’re right and this just going to be a little euphoric time spent getting a lot of crap done. My mania tends to get pretty ugly, so I’d like to stay away from that. Thanks for the well wishes!
LikeLike
It’s possible to be bipolar and have a good mood without it being mania. The sudden shift is perhaps not the best sign but all you can do is stay positive and hope for the best. I can see how mania could become a problem for some, I generally tend to enjoy mine but last time I took on too much and had one of the worst crashes ever, so I’m definitely more cautious in welcoming the mania. Here’s hoping you’re experiencing a good mood in the standard spectrum 🙂
LikeLike
Ugh… “her” thoughts. Unfortunately, ’tis what happens to yer feedback from madre, when ya flop back and forth. 😉 From my point of view… I wish for stability for ya., and yeppers, “key’ is schedule. Utilize.
LikeLike