And does it really matter? I started this blog almost six years ago, because I read Dooce and I thought she was cool, and wouldn’t it be cool to put my life online so that I can look back at it and wonder at the choices I had made. A short time later, it became as such that I used it as a tool to record the ups and downs of my bipolar disorder. I could spot trends and patterns, and learn from myself.
I am still mostly doing this as a tool to help myself spot trends and patterns, but what I’ve found since starting NaBloPoMo, is that I really enjoy JUST WRITING. Not necessarily about my mental health or the day’s ups and downs. Writing for the sake of writing. Writing because I have a thought in my head that I itch to expand upon. Writing because I want to get down in words just how a specific situation or person makes me feel. To immortalize relationship nuances and happy times and key moments in my life. You know, to write for writing’s sake.
As I said before, this blog is six years old. That’s old for a blog! I’ve given it up a time or two, but I’ve always come back. Sometimes I’m not sure anyone is reading it, but my quote button at the top of the dashboard keeps turning from black to orange and telling me I have more followers. The question is, does how many followers I have, or likes a post gets, or comments made really matter?
I think in a way it does, and in a way it doesn’t. There’s a part of me that talks to other bloggers and hears wowza stats from them. I don’t get wowza stats and I wonder sometimes why. And when I ask myself, “Rose, are you doing this wrong?” I feel silly. Because I’m not really doing it for anyone other than myself. I think it’s cool if someone can relate, or it helps someone, but I’m mostly doing this to keep my head on straight and so I can express myself.
I’m going to keep on blogging, regardless, even if only my mom is reading. Because, for the most part, I do it for me and to capture my thoughts and my world. This is something that can’t be taken away from me easily. This is something I will always have. These words. Six years worth of words, all my own creating.