I don’t know how many times, in the throes of depression or in the midst of a severe mixed state, I have felt like there was no way I could get through another minute. That it was all too much to handle and it would never get better. Turns out I have a 100% success rate at getting through those times, and it’s now, when I’m feeling decent, that I can look back and reflect on those hard times and know that I am strong enough to weather the toughest storm.
I think, while knowing that I can handle the bad times, it is important to validate that, during the hard times, it really DOES feel like I won’t be able to manage a minute more. It is easier when one is feeling well to realize that feelings aren’t always reality, even though it seems that way. If only there was a way to remember this when things get bad, I might be able to cure myself, or perhaps make it at least a bit easier to handle.
For me, the remembering comes with words. Written words. If the current “Rose is okay” could write the “Rose is depressed” a letter, maybe someone in Rose’s life could talk her into reading it when she feels bad. In a way, that’s what this blog is: hopeful letters to Rose for when she feels badly, and raw and honest letters to Rose for when she forgets how bad things can get. Because, while it is a beautiful thing to be momentarily stable, it is essential to remember that, without things like medication or routine or schedule or time to process, that stability is not possible.