I am constantly apologizing. For things I said, did, and even thought about doing or saying. I am on eggshells around people I don’t know well, trying to anticipate too much what they are thinking. Who am I kidding…I am like that with close family and DSB as well. I don’t know when exactly I started apologizing for breathing, but think it has something to do with a relationship I was once in. That did not go well.
Sorry I burned dinner, please don’t yell at me. Sorry I lost the batteries to the remote control, please don’t throw my TV into the backyard. Sorry I glanced at that guy across the bar, please don’t publicly humiliate me. And so forth.
The year I allowed myself to be in that relationship broke a part of me. Any confidence I had was gone. Any self-respect I had vanished. Any sense of self I had established evaporated. I was no one and I did not deserve nice things, nice words, nice smiles.
And when people gave me those nice things, nice words, nice smiles, I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do sometimes. It’s still been several years, but a noise, a smell, a place, a certain phrasing of words brings me right back to feeling ashamed, to feeling scared, to feeling alone.
I’m supposed to be working on this in therapy, right? I can’t bring myself to talk about it and I’m not even sure I am going to publish this post. I’ve written my letter to him, that I won’t send, that I may print off and burn. I’ve cut all ties and he hasn’t tried to stalk me on Facebook within the last two years. That is surely progress, isn’t it?
For the most part, I don’t feel extremely affected by that relationship, feeling instead like I have moved past the worst. But it’s like a shadow of it follows me and leads me to being deeply insecure.