Today has been slightly above average, but I have been somewhat plagued by troubling thoughts, mostly inserted by my therapist, by my Dad, by some other people.
I wrote a post about the division of labor in my relationship, called
“I Cooked. You Clean.” I’m just warning because this post might not make a lot of sense without reading the other before. The bottom line in that post was that, for years I expected there to be a division of labor in which I was helped out with household chores, and with DSB, I’ve come to accept that it won’t happen.
But my therapist always brings it up. My dad brings it up. They both bring up DSB not contributing his fair share monetarily, as well. I think my mom would bring it up if she thought it would get her anywhere. There are times I get frustrated and I bring all of it up to him — the money, the lack of support in doing housework, and each time I get defensiveness from him and really, I get nowhere.
That happened today. I saw my therapist this morning and she got me primed for it, and then I saw my dad yesterday and today, and that primed me even more. By the time I got home at 4:00 p.m. today, from a full day of running errands and having appointments, I was hopping mad and determined to do something about it. And there we went again, round and round, with nothing being solved and feelings getting hurt.
I’m left to wonder, if completely left to my own devices, would I ever bring it up? I’m not sure I would, unless there was just really intense frustration. For the most part, I look at it and pass it over, deeming it as something not worth fighting about. Choose your battles, right? This just isn’t a battle I think I can ever win, and one that is so sensitive, that I’d rather not get into it with him.
Is it wrong that I’d rather put love, and I mean real and true love, ahead of petty bullshit like who does the dishes or who mows the lawn or who takes the trash to the road? I don’t think it is. I can see where there is a concern about money from my parents’ standpoint, but $700 only stretches so far and there are bills he has to pay, too. Do I budget my money better, with the weekly allowances I am given? Well, of course I do. Have I spent countless years trying to get that right? Absolutely.
I feel in some ways, like I am coming along as a person…in my happiness level, in wanting to do and try new things, in wanting to better myself, and I am leaving DSB in the dust. I don’t like that, but I know you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, and he most definitely does not want to change. He acknowledges being miserable, but he doesn’t want to do anything about it, and if anyone other than myself were to ask him, he’s doing great. It’s quite frustrating.
The quitting smoking thing is just a prime example. I listed all the reasons yesterday why I want to quit, and the real primary one is my health, and it helping me to lose weight and be healthier in the long run. I want to be around for a long time, to see my nephew grow up and get married and have kids of his own. I don’t want my mother to outlive me and have to bury her child. I don’t want that kind of heartache in my family when it is so completely preventable.
DSB doesn’t want to quit smoking because he thinks it will make him gain weight. I don’t get that. I am very heavy at this time, and I don’t care if I gain another 15 pounds while quitting, even though I don’t think I will. The point is to quit and then focus yourself on getting healthy in other ways. I think he just doesn’t want to put up the work.
I suspect he was smoking inside the house today while I was gone, but maybe not. I know since I have been home at 4:00pm, that he has only gone outside once and it is not a quarter after 9:00pm. And he is in bed, and I’m doubting anything will rouse him from there except maybe an urgent need to pee.
He has been using the “e-cigarette” that my mom got for him last time he was in the hospital. My bloggie friend, Kim, is doing what is called “vaping” and she has already cut her regular cigarette consumption in half. Maybe DSB will unintentionally quit the real cigs this way, I don’t know. I know that while it is cold, it is unlikely he will go outside for much of anything, including any working that he might need to be doing.
Now I’m just blabbing. No matter your religion, lack of religion, or somewhere in between, please do what you do and send a little kindness and understanding my way, that I can use to deal with DSB while I am on these initial days of my quitting smoking. I think there is a possibility I am blowing things out of proportion and they might not be that bad.
My stats so far are a bit pathetic, but I woke up and smoked this morning, pushing back my quit date until today. Here’s a little something, though:
12 hours, 28 minutes and 13 seconds. 31 cigarettes not smoked, saving $3.96. Life saved: 2 hours, 35 minutes.
I’ll take every little bit I can get. Thanks, as always, for reading/listening.