No Begging

Today is the day before the big US Thanksgiving Day.  For years, I have traditionally spent this day with QoB, cooking and cooking and cooking some more.  For the most part we have a really good time, so this year that I am not feeling like doing it, I also feel very guilty.

I don’t think I can muster up merry, today.  Today has been very difficult.  For those not aware, I am on Day THREE (and yes, I did capitalize it because I think it’s just that important) of not smoking and it has been pretty rough on me, and those around me, really.  There is a big part of me that wants to say screw it, but an even bigger part of me that wants to succeed.

I went to a basketball game with my dad last night, something I really did not want to do.  It had been a long day and I knew that today would be long as well, but I went anyway.  And had a fabulous time.  It is so refreshing to not have to trek out to the farther reaches of the university just to smoke a cig in 15 degree weather with people you not only don’t know, but are fierce rivals against.  Goodbye hostile awkwardness!  Now if I can just not smoke, I can continue to enjoy that tradition.

Dad gave me lots of compliments: I smell better, I’m dressed nicer, my teeth look better (had them cleaned the Monday I quit…it is a very smart decision for anyone wanting to quit, very motivating).  I could tell he was very proud and that means a lot to me.

But that is not what this post is about.  This post is about pre-Thanksgiving and why I’m just not feeling it.

My partner in crime, DSB, is not doing Thanksgiving with us this year.  He is planning to stay home with the dogs and do, well, he’s not sure what.  I’m pretty sure it won’t be productive and I’m doubting, with the groceries we have in the fridge, that he’s going to have a great meal.  He just doesn’t care.  What that feels like is that he doesn’t care about me and my feelings.  What I know to be true is that he hates the holidays and going would make him uncomfortable.  So I go to Thanksgiving and I suck it up and I say I am grateful for DSB and my family, and all the while just wish DSB was there so we could make fun of the Big Dawg while he cuts the turkey and look at my sister’s big pregnant belly and speciulate about her due date and watch mom run around like a chicken with her head cut off.

So no, it’s really not ok that he’s not coming, but he is a big boy and he can make his own decisions.  I already posted, posts ago, that I wasn’t going to ask him to come.  He knows I want him to come and I, regardless of what that last post says, I have asked him.  I just haven’t begged him or told him what it does to me that he isn’t going.  And I’m not going to because I don’t think he would do that to me.

So for Thanksgiving, I feel grateful but sad.  I am hoping that by the end of Thanksgiving tomorrow, that I feel more grateful than sad, but that’s for another blog post.

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9 thoughts on “No Begging

  1. Until Garry’s parent’s passed a few years ago, we had a battle Royal over Christmas every year for more than a decade. It was horrible. I usually wound up spending Christmas alone at home while he went to his folks and my son went to his wife’s family. You have my heartfelt sympathies.

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    • That really is horrible. Holidays are a big deal in my family and are just so unimportant to DSB that it’s ridiculous. Thank you for your kind words, my friend!

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      • I don’t think people reject holidays because they don’t care. There’s something else he isn’t telling you. I don’t mean you should pry, but disinterest is different. This is rejection and I doubt it has anything to do with. It’s one of the only battles I couldn’t win. I eventually gave up and mostly, sulked. With some tears for emphasis.

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  2. I am very, very proud of you for taking steps to have better health. VERY aware of how hard it is to fight the addiction demons. You’ve come so far… stopped drinking to assist with the meds no one would want to take, setting goals, schedules, and sticking to them for a better life. You have my admiration for how well you fight your battles. Never, ever, giving up. You CAN do this, Rosa.

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