I have been off in LaLa Land all week and I really think it is how I am coping with the unreal stressors in my life right now. I don’t do this often, but right now I can’t focus on anything; I can’t hold up my end of a conversation; everything I read runs in one ear and out the other; and forget about following any kind of instructions, whether it be a recipe or for driving somewhere. I just feel lost and like I don’t know how to get back in touch with reality. And deep down, I’m not sure I want to be in touch with the reality that is now.
I had been on a run of non-stop, every-day blog posting for over a month and then, all of a sudden, I just couldn’t bring myself to sit down and write, for even a few minutes. I stopped blogging, I stopped journaling, I stopped keeping up with other blogs, I stopped keeping up with my online friends. I just quit everything all at once.
I also stopped keeping my planner up-to-date, with tasks to do each day. I’ve been rolling around aimlessly, just doing things as I see they need to be done, and a lot of time saying, “I feel like shit. I’m not doing anything today.” I don’t think this is depression yet, more like ambivalence moving into apathy. I don’t want to let it get into depression, so I know that I need to start doing what works for me to ward it off.
I wrote in my planner last night, a list of things for me to accomplish today. It’s not an overly ambitious list, but it should keep me busy. I’ve been working on laundry already while I’ve been trying to catch up on blogs and do a little blogging myself. I’m also going to get the kitchen cleaned up, maybe clean bathrooms, and get a nice dinner set out for DSB.
It doesn’t sound like a lot, but compared to what I have been doing the past few days, it really is. I have just felt so overwhelmed and have felt like there was no where I could let it all out. Now here I am, back at my blog, and I know I can let it out here. All of the times I sat down to write in the last several days fade away, days where I couldn’t make the words work. They may not be super-coherent, but there they are, words on the screen. And that makes me happy.
And right now, I really think I need to do a lot more of what makes me happy. A guy I admire very much, Bradley, put out his response to an article he had read about “The Biggest Lessons I’ve Learned in Managing My Bipolar Disorder.” Go to his page, read his answers, and look at the original article. That blog post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I know those lessons, but I have not been following them.
It’s time to start doing better at managing my bipolar, rather than forgetting I have it and skipping out on all of the things I know help me to stay well. I am not ready to go down the path of depression, and I know it will take some hard work to reverse the direction I am headed now. There’s nothing quite like having bipolar disorder and being in denial, now is there? 😀