I am so glad this weekend is over. I’m glad DSB’s surgery is over and now everything is on the steady with that. I’m glad I have the first round of inventory entered into the computer. I beyond love love love my dishwasher for enabling me to keep a very clean kitchen at all times, although it was constantly being cooked in by a very messy DSB. I am thankful for Klonopin, even though I get tired of taking it. But mostly, I am just glad the first five days of 2014 are over, because I don’t think I could take much more.
I have spent more time today crying and boo-hooing and angsting and sobbing and catastrophizing today than I care to spend in about a month. I mean, the waterworks will just not shut off. The negative tapes were churning away in my head and I just felt so sad and hopeless. And I couldn’t figure out why.
And I’m not saying this is the only reason, but it is likely a factor. My grandmother died two years ago yesterday, and today would have been her birthday. I wasn’t particularly close to my grandmother, but it was her death two years ago that sent me over the deep end. I firmly believe that I probably wouldn’t have taken such a nosedive if that terrible timing hadn’t ended up the way it did.
I have a lot of my grandparents’ furniture in my house. I bought some new silverware yesterday, and I cried when I found some of my grandparents’ old silverware tucked underneath some more current items. Cheap steak knives is what they are. Except they don’t look cheap. And are probably not. They were Grandpa’s and thinking about him and those steak knives brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
Isn’t it awful how grief compounds grief? I’m over my grandmother being dead, and it’s only been a couple of years. My grandpa is a whole ‘nother story. He died in 2004 to be exact. He died exactly 14 days after my 25th birthday. I distinctly remember that I was on the Atkins diet at that time, and I heard the call right as I was starting to eat a steak dinner. I couldn’t ever eat that particular blend of seasonings again.
There was a huge thunderstorm going on and I can remember the Big Dawg picking me up and taking me to the Assisted Living place where my grandparents had been living. There was a big empty room, and Grandpa was on a stretcher, all wrapped up in white sheets. And I totally lost it.
And I still do lose it, thinking of him. I think of all the things I wish he had been able to see, to do. I wish he had been able to meet DSB, to go fishing again, to make terrible soup, to hold his favorite dog, to see my sister get married and have her little boy. He has so much to be proud of, and I can’t help but think that he absolutely MUST be up there looking over. I don’t know how I would or could go on if at least some part of me didn’t believe that.
And maybe that’s strange to not know if there is a God, but to be certain there is a heaven. I really don’t care. I pray rarely, but I do talk to Grandpa, and the Bird Lady. And I really do think sometimes they answer me back. And I light a little candle and I send a thought, and that’s enough for me. So that’s what I’m going to go do. Light a candle. Take a Klonopin. Pray for dreamless sleep.