I am falling apart inside, and almost no one knows. I don’t talk about it much, but I do cry a lot. I find myself extremely anxious and irritable for no reason. I find myself thinking negative things of myself and wondering why on Earth anyone would want to be in any kind of friendship or relationship with me. I find myself worrying (unnecessarily, I am sure) that DSB is going to get tired of the winter depression and bolt. But he did say it…every winter, here we go.
In insanely good news, I have my old therapist, Goddess of Mindfulness, back. My previous therapist and I were not a good match, and I felt there was more that I wanted to work on than what she wanted me to. I saw her in early December, and she suggested that after another session or so, I wouldn’t need therapy at all anymore. I thought on that, accepted that as fact, and then had to re-evaluate. There is so much in my life that needs helping, correcting, tweaking, re-learning, growing through. As long as I can afford it, and I need it, I’m going to find a way.
In terribly bad news, I have been significantly depressed since around Christmas, worsening around the New Year. A lot of negativity, anxiety, irritability, sadness, crying spells, and three panic attacks. I am not coping well. I am just hanging on.
And it comes and it goes. It’s the lovely ups and downs of bipolar disorder, those chaotic mood swings. One minute I feel like I might be able to accomplish anything and the next, I can’t make myself take a shower or brush my teeth. One minute, I’m cleaning the kitchen and then once I’m done, I’m sitting in my dining room crying my eyes out over some perceived slight.
This gets tiresome. This year, after year, after year nonsense. I should probably be using my sunlamp. I have missed a few doses of Ritalin. I should know what to do. I should know exactly what to do. It’s the doing of it that seems so impossible. Get up and function, tough through it, stop being a whiner. Just do it.
Is it really that simple? Just do it? Just get off your fat, lazy ass and do something about this terrible anxiety and depression that are pervading your life? I think, well, no, it can’t be QUITE that simple, or I would have done it by now, 32 years later. There are things I can do to make myself better, little things, and I am doing those little things. Life is such, however, that all of those little things added together sometimes aren’t enough.
So you pick a fight with your boyfriend and sit and cry awhile at the dining room table. And think about how he will probably leave you. And think that you have no one you can call. So you cry some more. And think about asking your boyfriend if he is going to leave you. And hold your dog, it’s fur soaking up your tears, unconditional love if there ever was any. And you calm yourself, clean your kitchen, and go to see if you can make a peace offering to your boyfriend. And hope it works.
And for now, that’s all I have the power within to do. Light that candle for me.