The Quiet Crash and Burn

I am falling apart inside, and almost no one knows.  I don’t talk about it much, but I do cry a lot.  I find myself extremely anxious and irritable for no reason.  I find myself thinking negative things of myself and wondering why on Earth anyone would want to be in any kind of friendship or relationship with me.  I find myself worrying (unnecessarily, I am sure) that DSB is going to get tired of the winter depression and bolt.  But he did say it…every winter, here we go.

In insanely good news, I have my old therapist, Goddess of Mindfulness, back.  My previous therapist and I were not a good match, and I felt there was  more that I wanted to work on than what she wanted me to.  I saw her in early December, and she suggested that after another session or so, I wouldn’t need therapy at all anymore.  I thought on that, accepted that as fact, and then had to re-evaluate.  There is so much in my life that needs helping, correcting, tweaking, re-learning, growing through.  As long as I can afford it, and I need it, I’m going to find a way.

In terribly bad news, I have been significantly depressed since around Christmas, worsening around the New Year.  A lot of negativity, anxiety, irritability, sadness, crying spells, and three panic attacks.  I am not coping well.  I am just hanging on.

And it comes and it goes.  It’s the lovely ups and downs of bipolar disorder, those chaotic mood swings.  One minute I feel like I might be able to accomplish anything and the next, I can’t make myself take a shower or brush my teeth.  One minute, I’m cleaning the kitchen and then once I’m done, I’m sitting in my dining room crying my eyes out over some perceived slight.

This gets tiresome.  This year, after year, after year nonsense.  I should probably be using my sunlamp.  I have missed a few doses of Ritalin.  I should know what to do.  I should know exactly what to do.  It’s the doing of it that seems so impossible.  Get up and function, tough through it, stop being a whiner.  Just do it.

Is it really that simple?  Just do it?  Just get off your fat, lazy ass and do something about this terrible anxiety and depression that are pervading your life?  I think, well, no, it can’t be QUITE that simple, or I would have done it by now, 32 years later.  There are things I can do to make myself better, little things, and I am doing those little things.  Life is such, however, that all of those little things added together sometimes aren’t enough.

So you pick a fight with your boyfriend and sit and cry awhile at the dining room table.  And think about how he will probably leave you.  And think that you  have no one you can call.  So you cry some more.  And think about asking your boyfriend if he is going to leave you.  And hold your dog, it’s fur soaking up your tears, unconditional love if there ever was any.  And you calm yourself, clean your kitchen, and go to see if you can make a peace offering to your boyfriend.  And hope it works.

And for now, that’s all I have the power within to do.  Light that candle for me.

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14 thoughts on “The Quiet Crash and Burn

  1. I know how you feel. I am also Bipolar Type I and I am also an abuser to my husband who left 7 days ago. I’m finding that writing this blog is helping me much more than I ever thought I could.

    I always reminisced about not having anyone to talk to as well, especially now that I am entirely alone. It can be a scary feeling and it makes our affliction worse than it needs to be.

    Light that candle, send the peace offering and please don’t let it run him away – don’t lose that person who is there for you because losing my husband to my disorder has been my biggest regret.

    Light. The. Candle.

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    • Blue, I lit the candle last night and I lit it again this morning. DSB and I had a long talk this morning and we’ve come up with some plans. He is not leaving, not even thinking about it. I’ll talk more about it in my next post. Thanks for commenting…I really appreciate it.

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    • Thanks, Kim. I know I haven’t been around and I feel pretty crappy about that. I will be trying to be more present, as I feel it helps me. I am keeping up with your blog, girl, and you are a shining star. Keep up the good work. 😀

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  2. Hang in there…I’ve been going through a rough patch myself but I find there is strength in numbers, in connecting with others who are facing similar obstacles and I think you’re really brave for sharing all of this and being open, it definitely empowers me and makes a difference in my life to know I am not lone in this, so thank you. I hope you have a really good day today.

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    • Thanks, RavensDesk. I really appreciate you reading. I, too, believe in strength in numbers and it seems like blogging and reading really helps. Today so far has actually been okay. I am doing the little things I know I have to do to feel better, that make a difference.

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  3. I am not bipolar but I know depression and anxiety all too well. Mine comes in cycles too, often much worse in the wintertime. We have the SAD. I don’t know what to tell you girl, other than keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through these dark days. The sun will come back eventually, and with it hopefully some extra release for you.

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    • Oh, SAD. She is an evil bitch (pardon my language, but it’s true). I have a sunlamp that I don’t use nearly enough, but seeing your comment made me turn it on. Hope we can lean on each other to get through the nasties of winter…can’t wait for Spring!

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