Every Day the Same

Low, low moments in time for Rosa.  It boggles my mind that I can have such great support and still feel such a wreck.  It boggles my mind that I can feel such a wreck and not let it show.  Sometimes I almost convince myself I feel fine, when I am in the heat of the moment, caught up in things.  It is when I am alone, when the lights are off and the sun has set, that the depression wriggles it’s way back into my brain.

I thought about blogging in the morning, because maybe then I could get a sense of how I feel fresh and new and ok, if just for that little bit.  DSB and I have our coffee, and I am ok.  My house is not a disaster and I don’t have laundry piled up and I have great plans for the day.  I’m gonna ___ and ___ and ___.  And then when I’m done, I’m g0nna write the blog post that will save the world in the most amazing way.

It’s laughable, really, how wide of a spectrum my mood travels during the course of a day.  Happy mornings, irritable mid-days, anxious afternoons, sometimes an easy evening, and then darkness, in the darkness.  It’s actually quite exhausting, and, come to think of it, am probably not getting enough sleep.

I have been staying up reading, addictively, on my new Paperwhite (sorry, I have probably only mentioned it 503 times since Christmas).  It is not holding a charge very well, but I think that  might be because I am using it far more than the 30 minutes a day it mentions when it mentions a “several week” battery charge.  I also leave the Wi-Fi on so I can download books at a moments notice and get updates.  That slows it down, too.  Moving on, no more Kindle drivel.

I know I haven’t mentioned it lately, but I am still not smoking.  I have some incredible stats to brag about:

One month, two weeks, two days, 12 hours, 0 minutes and 54 seconds. 2790 cigarettes not smoked, saving $354.33. Life saved: 1 week, 2 days, 16 hours, 30 minutes.

Yep, I’d say that’s pretty good.  Still with a few slip-ups, mostly one puff that leads to gagging and coughing and saying, “What the FUCK was I thinking?!?”  But I’m not gonna lie.  I miss smoking.  I miss the way it used to make me feel, the way I could hold it in my hand, the way it was a shared habit between me and people I care about.  And now I’m on the outside.  It’s actually pretty hard, more-so over the last several days.

Ok, now I’ve gotten off course.  Or maybe I haven’t.  This blog can be like my mood…up and down and all around.  I think I probably lost people after the first little bit and then they scan through the rest looking for something interesting.  Or, that could be my in-the-hole self-esteem talking.  I don’t know and at this very moment in time, I’m gonna go crawl into bed with my not-fully-charged Kindle and read.  And read and read and read, until it’s not so scary to go to sleep.

Good night and light me a candle when you get a minute.

 

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21 thoughts on “Every Day the Same

  1. My lilac candle is already lit..I will send you some of the light and the scent. I will also pray for you. Our only true trouble is in our mind and our thoughts, it’s a horrible battle I know. Sounds like a mixed episode…I meditated tonight which felt great. I really needed to focus a bit before my mind slowed down, but when it did…sigh yeah. Hugs sweet friend…

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    • Lilac is one of my favorite scents. 😀 I think it is a little bit of a mixed episode because I am feeling peppy and fiesty this morning, ready to take on the world. Or perhaps it’s all the good juju that is being sent my way. Who knows. I am hoping to be productive, but I also did sleep in until 10:30. That’s late for me! Hugs to you, dear friend!

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  2. Thanks for sharing! I’m a health and lifestyle coach that focuses on working with those with anxiety and depression. Here’s a link to a recent post on my blog, and there is a link to my website from there if you are interested. I work with almost all my clients over the phone and charge very reasonable rates. You can fill out a free consultation form on my website if you think I would be able to assist you. If not, I would love it if you followed my blog! Be well! http://happyhealthcoachblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/the-flying-trapeze-a-story-about-facing-fear-and-the-future/

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    • Thanks, Happy Health. You seem slightly spammy, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I liked your article. I won’t be signing up for coaching, as I have the world’s best therapist. Thanks for stopping by!

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  3. Congratulations on the not-smoking progress! Cutting habits like that can be such a pain. I have days like you described sometimes, spells of blue. For me I just put one foot in front of the other until I find myself somewhere else. Baby steps. ‘:) hehe. Hang in there!
    *lights candle*

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    • You really must try an e-reader. Amazing. Every person I have ever talked to who has switched from “real” books to an e-reader, is in love. And there are people on that list that said they would never, ever give up their “real” books. It’s just amazing. You have tons of books at the tap of a finger, many free, and often you can partner with your local library to get a ton more of free selection. Maybe a friend has one you can borrow for a day or two. I would highly recommend the Kindle Paperwhite (but you already knew that, lol) and most of the people I talk to prefer the Kindle as well. And no, Kindle is not paying me to talk it up. 😀 Thanks for your comment, m’dear! 😀

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