A Fat Moment

I have actually had a somewhat okay day today.  I got some housework done, spent some time with DSB, a pretty good dinner is in the oven, and I watched an episode of “Downton Abbey.”  Evening is starting to set in, however, and my good humor is vanishing.  I was reminded of what happened to me a few days ago, that I didn’t ever mention because I was so ashamed.

I was at my mom’s house, and she has a full-length mirror in her entryway.  My sister and I used to stand in front of it and preen for mirrors.  My mom and Big Dawg would joke that we were “wearing the mirror out.”  I have spent the past two years (since right before I quit Weight Watchers the last time) avoiding that mirror.  Not even glancing in it, as I go up their stairs.  Getting the vacuum out of the closet, not a second look.  Nothing.

I don’t know what possessed me to look that day, but I did, and I was confused, at first.  I simply did not recognize the stranger in the mirror.  How I think of myself in my head and I how I looked in the mirror are totally different.  I thought, in my head, that, although I have gained some weight, I have retained some of my cuteness.  Dead wrong.  There is nothing even remotely attractive about me.  Except maybe my hair, which has grown out, but even that left me confused because it was much darker than what I envision it.

Since then, I’ve glanced in mirrors.  Horrified, every time, to see what I have turned into.  And I’m not exaggerating.  I would qualify as super-morbidly obese.  I am disgusting, without a doubt.  I feel this sense of urgency to do something about it, something drastic.  When I took DSB to his appointment on Thursday, there was a flyer for weight loss surgery.  I’ve thought about it a lot in the past but have never gone through with it.  Could I now?

I’ve thought about it a l0t, and the answer is, no, I don’t think I could.  I truly do believe I can lose weight if I apply myself.  It doesn’t help that I’ve gained 10 pounds or so since I quit smoking, but that’s not what has broken the camel’s back.  It is that image of myself in the mirror, the one that I don’t recognize.

I am terrified of the health ramifications of being this overweight.  So far, the only health conditions I have are sleep apnea and hypertension.  At my weight, I should have elevated cholesterol and diabetes, to boot.  How that has not happened by now, I don’t know.  What I do know is that I am going to have to really apply myself and lose some weight.  And stay quit with smoking.

All of this seems like Mission Impossible, given my mood.  But, I’m not ready to die anytime soon, and I’d like to look at least a bit attractive.  DSB still tells me I look good, but now I know better.  Maybe in his eyes I do and I am fortunate to have a significant other that is not close-minded and can still see beauty beneath the surface.  Ok, I am beyond fortunate.  And he d0es love me and thinks I am pretty.  Ok, ok, ok.

Still, something has to change.  The depression has to go, the weight has to go, and the anxiety has to go.  All of it.  I lit a candle for myself tonight, which I don’t usually do (I usually reserve it for someone else), but I am going to need all the good juju I can get.  Something’s gotta give.

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9 thoughts on “A Fat Moment

  1. If you don’t feel beautiful about yourself, always know you are a smart, amazing young woman who is beautiful INSIDE. The alternative is much worse. Being Bi-Polar and Anorexic/Bulimic isn’t good either and I know from experience…

    You’re a wonderful girl with so much to offer, and I can tell that just from your writings. Keep your head up. Looks fade with time, intellect and sensibility do not.

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    • Blue Eyes…thank you for your kind comment. I do know the “alternative,” having struggled with bulimia and now binge eating disorder most of my life. It’s something I don’t share about on my blog, although it might be worthwhile some day. I’m sorry to hear you have had a similar experience. It sucks, don’t it? I really appreciate all of your positive comments and try to take them to heart. Be well, my friend.

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    • I know that sometimes, in my brain, Marilyn. It’s hard to stop beating myself up, having perfected it now and done it most of my life. I do appreciate what you’re saying, though.

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  2. I hear ya, girl. I feel like I have backwards body dysmorphic disorder. I THINK I’m chubby but cute, but really I’m just very fat. Mirrors shock and surprise me too, and I hate them. And yeah, if I apply myself to weight loss…. If I apply myself.. If… If…

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  3. I really enjoy your writing. It has inspired me and I look forward to your posts. We are all victims of what society deems beautiful. It is a choice to ignore it, but it must be an active choice. Rather than tear ourselves down when we look in the mirror; tell ourselves that we are just fine and don’t look back. If you are concerned about health just walk 30 minutes everyday. It clears your head and improves your writing. And next time…don’t look in the mirror because our sick society says you will never be good enough so don’t waste your time. Enjoy all life has to offer

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    • JES, thanks for you comment. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to get back with you. I really appreciate what you have to say and am always looking for feedback. I hope you keep coming back, although posts seems to be scattered here and there. 😀

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