Isn’t that the most lovely image, to bring to mind ideas and thoughts with shapes everchanging that you will implement in the New Year? I thought so, too. #Cultivate2014 is the newest series of prompts I will be participating in, in order to bring meaning and structure and reality to my deepest wishes and desires of 2014. The prompt for January 13th is as follows:
What did you set out to accomplish last year? What did you do to cultivate your goals and your life? Did your intentions manifest last year?
Bwahahahah! I didn’t set out to accomplish a darn thing in 2013. I was goal-less, aim-less. My constant “have stable mental health” was there, but there was no sense or purpose driving it. There was no consciousness about it, no meditative thought, no digging inside my brain to see what the problem might be.
Until there was.
I dropped off the blogging grid in August of 2012, just days before my 31st birthday. 2012 was a rotten year and a great year. I had met the love of my life, I had spent the weekend in a psychiatric hospital, I lost my favorite therapist, I knew true love, I had a new doggy friend. But life was somewhat intolerable, and I (apparently) couldn’t be bothered to write about it.
By February of 2013, I was back to blogging again, back to putting my thoughts and dreams onto “paper.” I was back and forth, feeling terrible mentally, feeling high, feeling unlovable, feeling high high high and low low low. It really is hard to get all that written down, but I was trying to be semi-mindful at that time and knew I needed to record so that I could go back and repeat what had worked and avoid what hadn’t.
All in all, 2013 was a year of trying to stabilize my mental health, develop my relationship with DSB, and really, not do much else. Even though it’s not in the best of shape, I am somewhat stable emotionally, mentally, whatever you want to call it, here at the start of 2014. I’ve been up and down here right directly, but over the past few months I have known a bit of peace. Living with bipolar disorder and anxiety, there will forever be ups and downs. Times of tears and times of joy. Times of wanting to punch someone in the face and then, alternately, wanting to kiss everyone you meet. And I don’t think I will ever live any other way. And I am ok with that.
If 2013 taught me anything, it’s that I can apply myself to a problem and fix it and make it better. I quit smoking in 2013 and am still quit here in January of 2014. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been done. I have some big projects to tackle in 2014, and I hope to be more mindful in the way I do things and see things and approach things. I hope to live a more deliberate life and not wander so much. I hope to ground myself in that which is real and release negativity from every aspect of my life. 2014 will be a great year…I will wish it so.