I started to participate in Cultivate 2014 this year. I even wrote out the first day’s post. Unfortunately, all prompts since that post have been so “not me,” that I’ve decided to move on. Since it was following Reverb, I thought I would really enjoy it, but that was not the case. Maybe I should have dug a little deeper, tried a little harder to make it work. I just don’t have it in me.
The depression fog is there, and then it’s not. I’m focused, and then I’m lost. And then I’m back to focused again. Depression has been the bogeyman this go-round, usually springing up to “get me” when the sun goes down. For the most part, during the day, I can stay active and get things done. And feel good about it. Once sundown occurs, I start to lose focus and perspective, and anything good about that day goes down the drain with it.
I see this as a pattern, yet I don’t know how to stop it. I see Goddess of Mindfulness on Wednesday and I am hoping to talk about it and maybe gain some insight and some ideas on what I can do to prevent this from happening. It really is odd, to me, that it comes and goes like that. Such is life with bipolar, though, right? Up, down, up, down. All these years living with it and it still gets to me.
Happy moments have me down, too. Which, of course, isn’t fair to the other happy people. These happy moments cause me to reflect poorly upon myself, wishing it were I in the situation, wishing I had done something differently about the situation, that I was more included (all the while knowing that I had ostracized myself). Feelings of “it’s not fair” and “everyone hates me” floating around in the air. And everyone around me is all smiles and laughs and oblivious (thankfully, I think) to the extreme emotional pain am in.
Sometimes (and sometimes, a lot of times), I feel like giving up, giving in. I want to stop trying and I want not to hurt so much. But then there is a part within me that just wants to get better, that can see myself getting better, that is aware of the accomplishments I have made, the strides in progress. That part of me doesn’t come out all the time, but when it does, I can momentarily feel better.
And isn’t that all anyone wants, to just feel a little better, even momentarily?