Blinding Happiness Followed By Crash With Tears

Today has been a great day.  Today, I met my very first ever nephew.  That’s right; I’m Auntie Rose.  My sister had the baby last night and I went to the hospital in the big city to see her and the newest addition.  The text message pictures she sent me this morning before I got there didn’t do the boy justice.  Of course they didn’t.  He is perfect.  I mean it.  Perfect.

I thought I would cry when I held him, because for weeks I have been tearing up, just thinking about him and what a beautiful life he will have.  When my mom placed him in my arms, I was nervous (that I would drop him or sneeze on him or something else terrible), but calmed easily and just got lost looking at him.  I never did see him open his eyes, and he didn’t make much noise, but I felt such a deep connection.

I hadn’t felt that degree of pure joy in a long, long time.  I’m tearing up just thinking about it now.  I wish the misery around me would go away and I could just sneak back in those hospital doors and see him.  I know that would make me feel better, for awhile.

But every time my mood goes up, it must come CRASHING THE FUCK DOWN!  I’m so sick of it.  I held it together until I got home.  I am an idiot because I asked DSB if he was happy to see me and he flatly replied, “ecstatic.”  To me, that is sarcasm, and it is not appreciated.  To him, he is joking.  But really, that’s just how he communicates.  He doesn’t get excited about anything, and even if he did, he would never admit it.

So, I burst into tears and told him I needed a break.  I sit, here at my desk, in my favorite room in the house, and I am crying.  Just flat-out, sniffling, can’t-stop crying.  Not sure I WANT to stop.  The day has been an intense emotional roller-coaster and I really just need him to be there for me and understand.  I don’t seem to be able to ask him to do that.

And I need to stop crying.  All this crying I am doing, every day for at least two hours for the past month…it has to go.  The last time I cried like this, it lasted for months, and I ended up in a day-hospital program, and then went voluntarily inpatient.  I am not doing that again.  Ever.

I also need to get my feelings and mood swings in check before I ruin the best thing I’ve got going — me and DSB.  I’m at a loss.  I really am.  Blogging has helped somewhat, but I’ve got to ask my biggest supporter for more support and I don’t know how.

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7 thoughts on “Blinding Happiness Followed By Crash With Tears

  1. Congratulations on being an aunt for the first time. I’m happy for you. Of courses I’m not happy about what you’re going through. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. Crying for two hours each day? Does your doctor know this? I’m very concerned and I hope you reach out to your doctor to get help you need.

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    • Thanks, Bradley. I am pretty excited about my new nephew. My therapist knows about the crying, I don’t see the doctor for another month and don’t really think there is a point in contacting him because he has already told me there is nothing he can do except take me off one thing and put me on something else…and I’m just not doing that. Perhaps I am being too willful, I don’t know. I did have therapy which I will blog about here today or tomorrow. Thank you for caring, Bradley…does mean a lot.

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  2. Have you tried taking vitamin B12 tablets? I have long crying sessions every so often (mostly due to miniature misunderstandings or PMS or stress combined with a general lack of sleep and exercise) and they help a lot. I take then on and off for a couple of weeks at a time. I’m back on them at the moment. My DB says it’s a placebo effect, but I figure if it helps it’s worth continuing 🙂

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    • No, I never have tried that. I’ll have to ask my pdoc about it. The last time I asked him about a supplement (fish oil), he felt I was already taking too many medications.

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  3. Courage to ask for help–it’s the one thing I need all the time. We are meant to depend in a healthy way of course on each other. Yet, I somehow believe I can do it all on my own. Sending virtual love and support!

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