Today has been a great day. Today, I met my very first ever nephew. That’s right; I’m Auntie Rose. My sister had the baby last night and I went to the hospital in the big city to see her and the newest addition. The text message pictures she sent me this morning before I got there didn’t do the boy justice. Of course they didn’t. He is perfect. I mean it. Perfect.
I thought I would cry when I held him, because for weeks I have been tearing up, just thinking about him and what a beautiful life he will have. When my mom placed him in my arms, I was nervous (that I would drop him or sneeze on him or something else terrible), but calmed easily and just got lost looking at him. I never did see him open his eyes, and he didn’t make much noise, but I felt such a deep connection.
I hadn’t felt that degree of pure joy in a long, long time. I’m tearing up just thinking about it now. I wish the misery around me would go away and I could just sneak back in those hospital doors and see him. I know that would make me feel better, for awhile.
But every time my mood goes up, it must come CRASHING THE FUCK DOWN! I’m so sick of it. I held it together until I got home. I am an idiot because I asked DSB if he was happy to see me and he flatly replied, “ecstatic.” To me, that is sarcasm, and it is not appreciated. To him, he is joking. But really, that’s just how he communicates. He doesn’t get excited about anything, and even if he did, he would never admit it.
So, I burst into tears and told him I needed a break. I sit, here at my desk, in my favorite room in the house, and I am crying. Just flat-out, sniffling, can’t-stop crying. Not sure I WANT to stop. The day has been an intense emotional roller-coaster and I really just need him to be there for me and understand. I don’t seem to be able to ask him to do that.
And I need to stop crying. All this crying I am doing, every day for at least two hours for the past month…it has to go. The last time I cried like this, it lasted for months, and I ended up in a day-hospital program, and then went voluntarily inpatient. I am not doing that again. Ever.
I also need to get my feelings and mood swings in check before I ruin the best thing I’ve got going — me and DSB. I’m at a loss. I really am. Blogging has helped somewhat, but I’ve got to ask my biggest supporter for more support and I don’t know how.