The Okay-ness of it All

I do tend to neglect this blog when things are going either very bad or very well.  It’s been a week and I have missed the release, the ebb and flow of words, the putting-it-out-there that seems to be so cleansing for me.  I have still been online, keeping caught up with most of the blogs that I read, liking and commenting.  I just haven’t felt a big press to post anything, no pull to my keyboard.  I honestly have just had nothing to say.

And then it hit me.  Maybe, because I keep this blog to track my progress, it might behoove me to write a post about how okay everything is.  There is no angst, no strife, no drama.  For me right now, life just “is,” and it truly is a strange feeling.  The up and the down and the down-down-down that have plagued me for almost every January and February of life since I can remember it, are gone.  I feel even, steady.  At times, I experience true contentment and at times, real joy.

It’s hard to say what has brought this all about, or to even say that it is necessary that I delve into that.  Let’s go with it being necessary to delve into it, because only then really, I think, is progress made.

I think it has to do with many different factors.  I have a new nephew and three weeks later I am still over the moon about that.  My sister is sending me a daily picture message, usually with a funny little comment.  He gained a half-pound last week and is just a healthy little guy.  I start to tear up when I think about him and how much of an impact he has already had on me.  I quit smoking in December, for a variety of reasons, but one of them being that I wanted to be around for a long time for my nephew.  And I didn’t want him to grow up seeing me smoking, and maybe think it was okay or cool.  I wanted to give my nephew a good example to follow, and I guess so far I am doing that, although I know he is too young to comprehend that at this point.  I just want to be there for him, simple as that.

Another factor that has really kept me on the level is a more steady up-keep of my medication needs.  For months and months, I failed to take my Ritalin three times per day, as prescribed.  I would usually take the morning dose, but the other two were often forgotten.  Here within the last month I have made a concerted effort to become religious about it. And I have, and it has made a big difference.  Now, I can really tell if I am late with a dose or if I haven’t taken it.  And DSB notices, too.  He has caught me slipping up with it more than once, and I am grateful that he is on top of it, as well.  It’s always nice to have that support.

And I think the third main thing is that somehow, I have learned not to take everything so seriously.  I don’t know how I’ve learned it or if I will unlearn it in a matter of time.  I’ve been spending more time breathing and listening and less time anxious and criticizing.  Am I annoyed with the way certain things are going?  Yes, but I am trying to approach these things with a compassionate eye rather than a critical one.  Instead of asking, why must it always be that way, I’m trying to accept that it is that way, first.  I’m not saying I’m giving up the fight on certain things, but I find that a lot of the stuff I get hyped up about is minor in the grand scheme of things.  So very minor, that it is almost embarrassing to admit my prior behavior.

I’m learning things don’t have to be a certain way or it’s a failed situation.  I’m learning that I can love others more if I try and love myself just a little bit.  I’m learning that faking confidence is a surefire way to get the real thing.  I’m learning to be less black and white, less rigid, less about perfectionism and to care more about things that are real instead of imaginations that reside solely in my own head.

And I blame all of that on DBT and the single therapy appointment I had with Goddess of Mindfulness almost a month ago.  DBT is hands down the very best therapy I know of, and I know of several.  The key to happiness, for me, is that I must first be willing, and then everything will follow from there.  It’s too cold and snowy to get out and hug a tree, but I carry a visual in my head of the first time I found willingness, and I just keep running that video tape in my head when things get tough.

When I post a comment on someone else’s blog that it will get better, that’s because I know it firsthand.  It will get better and it will get worse and it will get even and steady and, eventually, there might be days and even a string of days where you really won’t ponder too much on the status of your mental health, because it really, really, really does get better.  Take it from someone who has walked that path, more than once.

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17 thoughts on “The Okay-ness of it All

  1. Giving in and taking the meds took me a while. I finally realized how much of a disservice I was doing myself. Now I’m absolutely locked into the schedule. It’s become habitual, so I don’t have to think about it, just do it. It helps a lot. I take Adderal. It’s the difference between being a lump on a log and being a person.

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    • You summed it up perfectly — “the difference between being a lump on a log or being a person.” I totally get that. I need that Ritalin to tune my brain into a channel that receives good reception.

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  2. I tend to avoid blogging when I don’t feel I have much to say too. You said that faking confidence is a sure way of obtaining it….I agree totally, but I forget it sometimes. Writing is sort of the same way for me. Even if I don’t think I have anything to say, if I just write, I always end up with something…sometimes those are the best writings of all. I’m happy for your peacefulness right now. I hope it lasts a good long while!

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    • Fake it to make it…I forget it a lot, too. I was only recently reminded of it during a work situation in which I had no idea what I was talking about but seemed to pull things out to everyone’s benefit. It’s small moments like that, that we can build on.

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  3. Glad you’re in a good space, Rose. You deserve it. And it’s odd, but a number of the bloggers I follow have written about just coming out of a period of silence. Must be something in the water. (Continued) peace, John

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  4. I had a hard time when my life finally settled into something that could pass for “normal.” It seemed way too slow and boring and like I was missing something. But in time I came to embrace the transition. There are still (appropriately) high times and low times, and now I appreciate them even more for the contrast they provide to the “normal.” I’m glad you’re getting to that place and doing so well. 🙂

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    • I understand what you mean, and I am at a point where I am almost afraid to embrace the transition because, what if all this wonderfulness goes away? Like I’m going to jinx it somehow. I know that sounds silly, but it’s where my head’s at right now. Something I’ll have to work on.

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  5. Never beat yourself up for not blogging. It’s not a contact sport, a competition. I blog every day apart from Sundays, but that is just because I’m a blabbermouth. Some of my favourite bloggers post once a week or even less frequently. It only works when it works. You have to be in the mood or it sounds forced, and when it sounds forced, well, it gets boring. Blog what YOU want when you want to. Write it and they will come, as the sort of say.

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