Sometimes it’s Okay to Give Up

 

 

Through some harsh life battles, I can count many a day where I was ready to give up.  Throw in the towel.  Just be done.  Depression is horrific and the voices running through your mind actually ENCOURAGE you to give up.  That’s right, not only do you feel like shit, your “inner you” is trying to make you give up the fight.

I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through all of those times.  Probably my great support system, medications, therapy, and a lot of just white-knuckling it.  There’s a blog I read, in which the author keeps finding herself on the verge of giving up, giving in to depression and anxiety and fear.  I get that, totally do.  I especially can see how having no one on your side would make you feel that way even more.

Because sometimes, the only reason I don’t give up, is because I worry what would happen to Kizzie.  Sure, DSB would take care of her, but her momma would be GONE.  Giving up, following through and really doing it — that’s permanent.  There’s no coming back from that kind of giving up.  And I’ve lived years skirting that edge.  The things that kept me from stepping over the line were invariably my parents and my pup.  And now there’s DSB to think about, too.

The quote above really speaks to me.  Something about trusting your own madness is very right, and it’s something I’ve only come to embrace within the last year or so.  If we don’t trust in ourselves, we find any way possible to keep the truth from coming out.  About our (actual and literal)  madness, about our shady intentions, about hidden secrets.

Something I have given up, for good, is lying.  Being dishonest in any way.  I am now and forever more completely transparent.  Before DSB, lying was like breathing to me.  I did it without thinking, without reason, just because.  It usually didn’t even register to me that I had lied.  It was just something I did.  I spun a tale to make myself look better, mostly.  Or to make myself look a certain way, at least.  I didn’t trust enough to show my true colors.  I wasn’t true to my real madness, if you will.

About a year ago, DSB sat me down and we had “the real talk.”  More of a “come-to-Jesus” talk, as my mom would put it.  He told me that he knew I was lying about a lot of things, and about how he didn’t trust me anymore.  He told me that he couldn’t be with a person he didn’t trust, but he wanted to be with me.  I had to change my lying ways so that he would stay.  It was the biggest motivator of all time.  I didn’t want to lose him, and I knew that all of the lies I told were destroying me.

What I didn’t realize was the extent to which the lies and deceit were destroying me.  I was constantly on guard, worried about who was going to find out what, worrying about what would happen when they did find out, because they always did.  I have always been a poor liar — ever since I was a little girl.

I am reflecting upon this now, because for the past several nights, out of nowhere, I have found myself checking my gut for signs of anything amiss.  It used to be, I had so much to worry about.  And now I don’t.  Everything’s out there for the world to see.  I am not suffering any consequences, because, in general, I am doing nothing wrong.  This is a new world to me, and even though this has been going on for over a year, it feels like I’m just now noticing.

Noticing how nice it feels to just have a conversation and not make things up that I will have to account for later.  Noticing how much more trust and faith DSB has in me, in the words I say, in the actions I show.  There is no more worry, and there is no more fear.

Sometimes it’s ok to give up.  It’s ok to give up lying, drinking, cheating, negative things.  It’s even good.  It’s never okay to give up on yourself, and I am so very thankful to know DSB always always ALWAYS has my back.  And I am the reason he is still here and my quitting the lying is the only way we made things better.  Things are better for everyone, now.  Everyone was affected by my lying, and my relationships are now very uncomplicated.  For that, I am truly grateful.

 

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12 thoughts on “Sometimes it’s Okay to Give Up

  1. How right you are. Giving up what hurts us is what we have to focus on. It’s hard. So hard. Giving up on everything is, like you say, permanent. We are survivors – because the depression beastie hasn’t taken us down.

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    • Thanks, Carls. We all have our own demons to fight, the things we should give up or do less of. And no, I am fully confident that the depression beastie will never take me down. And why that confidence? Because you have to have it, or you’ll go down a bad road. That’s my take, anyway.

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  2. wow what a brave post! Giving up the crap… Im with ya! And what you said at the top of the post about giving up and then you arent there for anyone anymore…. Ive seen that so many times… I so wish I could get people to understand how permanent eternity is… give up and it will only work once… there is no turning back if you give up on the good stuff…. LOVED not just liked this post!

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    • Thanks, Zoe! It’s a constant battle to give up the crap. I keep thinking “ok, now I’ve given this up and I can be done” and there is always something else. I think the next thing I’m giving up is a terrible fast-food habit.

      I so agree with you about the permanence of eternity. People just don’t get it. Once you make that step, everything is over.

      Appreciate you swinging by!

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  3. That you’ve taken control and decided to make positive changes is brilliant. I’m glad you’ve got DSB to support you so much. Truly something to be thankful for – having him as motivation.

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    • I find it funny that you are the second person who has read my TToT for this week and then went to this article, that I mentioned in my TToT as having been unread. I really appreciate your comment and taking the time to read. And yes, DSB is my biggest “thankful for” item. Do you remember last week’s TToT, when I was thinking I just didn’t know about “us?” It seems like in the last week I have gained a bunch more respect and love for him. Funny how that happens.

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      • Yeah, that can totally happen. I had a falling out with Husby earlier, and then we talked, and now things are a little better between us…like more better than they were before we had the fight. If that makes sense.

        I’m glad you have more certainty. Thank goodness.

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        • It does make sense. It happens that way with us, too. Probably happens to a lot of couples and it just doesn’t get talked about. I know that after I’ve complained about something DSB has done and then I’ve forgiven him, the person I told is apt to knock me for forgiving so easy. It’s hard to have friends/family like that. As if you’re not allowed to get upset with someone but still love them anyway. That’s a whole different blog post!

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  4. Rose, it’s amazing what people lie about. One day in my hospital therapy group after my car accident, I learned that EVERYONE in the group routinely lies because they don’t want to burden others with the truth. It’s a hard habit to break because some of our lying is to protect ourselves, but some of it is also to protect others. That you have stopped lying is an amazing achievement. Way to go!

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    • Oh, I know. I used to lie about the littlest things, mostly so I wouldn’t sound so crazy (or sick, rather). And the lies we tell to protect others — I just found out in the end that none of it’s worth it. If lying is going to make DSB go away, then I want nothing to do with it. It’s a hard habit to break, but definitely a worthwhile one. Thanks so much for your continued support!

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