I have to keep repeating that, like a mantra, to keep from face-planting on the floor. Because that’s what I feel like doing. Giving up for the day. This has been a uneventful day, but I have felt such creepy crawly anxiety. As a matter of fact, I have been feeling ever-strengthening anxiety day in and day out since before DSB went to the hospital for his blood clots almost two months ago.
I can’t help the thoughts in my head, can’t make them go away, that’s for sure. What DBT teaches you to do is to picture your thoughts as if they are leaves floating down a gentle bubbling brook, and just notice them as they pass. I alter this exercise some by envisioning myself blowing the leaves down the brook so they go away faster. It’s a conscious pushing away of these thoughts.
These negative thoughts that are not helping me. Maybe if I could make myself more willing, I would make progress. I am willing in so many ways, but I don’t seem to be able to give up the belief that I can control life as it is happening around me. That is not willingness, it is willfulness, sitting on your hands instead of getting up and taking appropriate action. It is defiance and stubbornness, it is me personified.
It took 32 years of life circumstance and genetics to bring me to where I am now. Have some of my life circumstances been less than stellar? Of course, obviously, absolutly. I just can’t get over the feeling though that I should stop being such a little bitch about it, crying all the time, and just get over it all. I mean, some of this stuff happened over a DECADE ago.
Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I trust? I ask DSB about something, and when he says, “I’ll take care of it,” I don’t believe him. I can’t believe him. It makes me more anxious for him to say that than to just deal with it on my own. So am I better off alone? Or is it better to say yes to whatever this love thing is that we have, and walk down a happy path together?
I have doubts about me and DSB. Will his health ever really improve? Can I handle being with someone who has the health of an 80 year old? When is the next shoe going to drop, the next hospitalization, the next list of things he can’t do? The uncertainty with DSB keeps me up at night, as he shifts over and snores beside me. I love him very much, but sometimes I don’t know if that’s enough.
How and when will I know, if that’s enough? Will I figure it out next week or will we be five years down the road and it’ll hit me? It is healthy to have that much doubt in a relationship, to be so unsure, but to love someone so much? Is it normal? I mean, does it happen often to people? I always thought I would “just know.”
Well, I don’t.