Uncertainty and Anxiety

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I have to keep repeating that, like a mantra, to keep from face-planting on the floor.  Because that’s what I feel like doing.  Giving up for the day.  This has been a uneventful day, but I have felt such creepy crawly anxiety.  As a matter of fact, I have been feeling ever-strengthening anxiety day in and day out since before DSB went to the hospital for his blood clots almost two months ago.

I can’t help the thoughts in my head, can’t make them go away, that’s for sure.  What DBT teaches you to do is to picture your thoughts as if they are leaves floating down a gentle bubbling brook, and just notice them as they pass.  I alter this exercise some by envisioning myself blowing the leaves down the brook so they go away faster.  It’s a conscious pushing away of these thoughts.

These negative thoughts that are not helping me. Maybe if I could make myself more willing, I would make progress.  I am willing in so many ways, but I don’t seem to be able to give up the belief that I can control life as it is happening around me.  That is not willingness, it is willfulness, sitting on your hands instead of getting up and taking appropriate action.  It is defiance and stubbornness, it is me personified.

It took 32 years of life circumstance and genetics to bring me to where I am now.  Have some of my life circumstances been less than stellar?  Of course, obviously, absolutly.  I just can’t get over the feeling though that I should stop being such a little bitch about it, crying all the time, and just get over it all.  I mean, some of this stuff happened over a DECADE ago.

Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I trust?  I ask DSB about something, and when he says, “I’ll take care of it,” I don’t believe him.  I can’t believe him.  It makes me more anxious for him to say that than to just deal with it on my own.  So am I better off alone?  Or is it better to say yes to whatever this love thing is that we have, and walk down a happy path together?

I have doubts about me and DSB.  Will his health ever really improve?  Can I handle being with someone who has the health of an 80 year old?  When is the next shoe going to drop, the next hospitalization, the next list of things he can’t do?  The uncertainty with DSB keeps me up at night, as he shifts over and snores beside me. I love him very much, but sometimes I don’t know if that’s enough.

How and when will I know, if that’s enough?  Will I figure it out next week or will we be five years down the road and it’ll hit me?  It is healthy to have that much doubt in a relationship, to be so unsure, but to love someone so much?  Is it normal?  I mean, does it happen often to people?  I always thought I would “just know.”

Well, I don’t.

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17 thoughts on “Uncertainty and Anxiety

  1. the idea of uncertainty has given me so much stress and sleepless nights but it’s something I’ve written about a few times on my blog if you’re interested in reading.

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  2. Have ya’ll tried couples counseling? When my bipolar was at its absolute worse my psychiatrist suggested we go to couples counseling. Our first thought was “Heaven forbid, there’s nothing wrong with our relationship.” We are glad we went. We both learned to understand ourselves and each other better from the perspective of a caretaker and someone who needed to be taken care of. It made a huge difference in our relationship even though we both felt we had about as strong a bond as humanly possible.

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    • I had to LOL at this, considering the events of the past day. DSB would never agree to it, I tried. He thinks he is above psychology. I’m glad it worked for you and Maurice, though!

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    • I think my meds are probably fine and that this little say buh-bye thing will work it’s magic on that issue. If I’m not resolving in a week, I will make an appt with the pdoc. Promise.

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  3. Here’s another exercise: picture a garden. In it are rows of things that are going on in your life. What’s wilting, what is filled with weeds? Sometimes the mental clutter makes it hard to see the root of the issue. And when you are barely keeping it together, I can see how scary it is to think about taking care of someone else. I hope that you have a support system that can help you if you need it. Hugs!

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  4. We have the same problem, but I’m the one with the health of an 80-year old. Garry got a crappy deal. I suspect there are lots of days when he wishes he had a healthy wife, but against all logic and reason, he hangs on. Having a sickly mate is rough. There’s nothing wrong with you for wondering if you can hack it. I don’t know if I could were positions reversed.

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    • You’re right, it is stressful on the care taker. But the sick person can make it easier, and he never did. Nothing was ever good enough and there was always more that he wanted. It ran deeper than just being sick of him being sick all the time, unfortunately. And Garry is a real trooper, but I’d be willing to bet that you cut him a lot of slack.

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  5. Rose: I’m sorry you’re going through this. Worry and anxiety can be a difficult thing to shake. Any counselor you can talk to? Being in a caretaker role, while still young, must be very, very tough.

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    • It has been rough. I do talk with my therapist, but I definitely minimize what goes on between us. Now that it’s over, everyone is learning just how bad it was between us. It’s unpleasant to have it all out there and like, oh here Rose has done it again. It is what it is, I guess. Thank you so much for commenting and your continued support. It really does mean a lot to me!

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