When it Officially Fell Apart: 16:30, April 30

Do you ever find you get in the same argument with your significant other, over and over?  There are always promises to do better, to change, to love more and control less.  In our case, they never happened, those promises.  They never bore fruit.

Just fifteen minutes after writing my last post, Uncertainty and Anxiety, I confronted DSB about why he never shows me any affection.  This is a common argument.  He had no answers, but told me I was the most selfish person he had ever met, including his ex-wife.  He said several other degrading things, mean-spirited comments, and then I guess I goaded him into leaving me.  That’s how he puts it.

What happened was more like me asking why he would want to be with someone he felt so negatively about, and him saying “I guess I’ll leave then.”  We’ve had this roundabout discussion numerous times.  If you have so many bad things to say about me, DSB, then why the FUCK are you still here?  I think that’s a valid question.

He said more mean things, and even brought my beloved family into the mix.  After hearing him spew bile about just what he thought about them, and about how my family didn’t care about me, not the way I thought they did, I had enough.  I told him I wanted him out, just as he said he’d be out by tomorrow.

As Dad said, funny how ballsy people who get their checks on the 1st are, right before they get their check.  I agree, Dad.

Do I think he’d been planning this for some time?  Yes and no.  We’ve been trying to make things work, but as my mom pointed out, this was just yet another abusive relationship.  Having to be certain places at certain times, not being able to have company over often, not being “allowed” to go to my mom’s whenever I wanted, having to have “permission” to do so many things.  Controlling.  Very.  Add to that the yelling and the name-calling and the blaming?  Yeah, it’s probably an abusive relationship.

And like an idiot, I let it go on for two years.  Two years of him not paying a single bill, living rent-free, making me do all the w0rk, and trying to keep me from my family.  Badmouthing people I cared about all the time.  Who does that?

I’m now several hours post-breakup and I’m feeling very sad.  I’m crying a lot, thinking about the good times we did have and wondering what I did to fuck that up so badly.  Petting Rascal, who I will probably never see again after tomorrow.  Looking at the one picture he allowed me to take of us, some two years ago.  Remembering how deep those feelings ran, and to a point, still do run.

I feel like I am losing my best friend, but I know that a week or a month down the road, I’ll see things differently.  I know I’ll realize how negative he was for me, how much he hurt me, and mostly, how unloved he made me feel.  Unlovable.  Seems to be my thing.

I guess on an upside, maybe all 0f this anxiety will quiet down.  Maybe I can sleep at night and not be bound to my home, by someone who never wants to go do anything or see anyone or go someplace.  Maybe someday I’ll realize that I’m worth more than that.

But for right now, I’m going to be sad.  It’s the end of the DSB and Rosa era, and we did have some good times.  He did pull me through some bad times, but I don’t owe that to him forever.  I pulled him through some of the worst times in his life, with nary a thank you.  It just seems really sad that what always seemed like a fairytale to me ended how it did.  When he showed who he really was and I failed to speak up when he labeled me things I am not.

I’m sorry this is so all over the place.  I’m really feeling emotionally wrecked right now and I can’t stop crying.  I’ve talked to Mom and the Big Dawg, and I just got off the phone with my dad.  My mom asked me if there was anything she could do.  My dad asked if there was anything he could do.  Other than making this better, fixed, which is not possible, please just say a prayer for strength for me.  If you don’t pray, that’s fine.  Send a shout-out into the Universe or light a candle or chant.  I really don’t care.  I need to find some peace so I can heal, and that doesn’t look too likely, at least for tonight.

It’s all I can do to keep from running in the other room and telling him to stop packing.  I was laying in bed when I heard NCIS: Los Angeles come on.  That was one of OUR shows, and he is in there watching it without me.  This is going to take a lot of getting used to, but it will be easier when he is out of MY house.  MY HOUSE.

Dammit.  There is nothing more to say for right now.  I need to cry some more and then try and get some sleep.  I just wish I could stop crying and suck it up.  Sometimes, even T-women have to cry, right, Madre?  xoxo

 

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33 thoughts on “When it Officially Fell Apart: 16:30, April 30

  1. I’m really sorry. I think you’re right, after a month or so you’ll look back and see how better your life can be. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago. He’d tell me what I can and can’t do, and tell me I make people feel awkward and that I’m not good in group situations. After we broke up I felt the worst. I’d just cry all the time. But 4 months later I started making new friends and a life without him, and I realised how much he made me unhappy, even though I loved him more than anything.
    I really hope you come to realise how much better you can be without such a long crying period. We’re all here for you. *hugs*

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    • I hope the same can happen for me Sherbet. I really appreciate your comment and knowing you are in my corner. The support is truly, truly cherished.

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  2. My best friend just broke up with her boyfriend and I know that I won’t ever feel exactly how you’re both feeling right now because I haven’t been through that, but sometimes, I feel like my boyfriend and I are falling apart too, which is why I can’t help but see myself in you. Like you, we’ve been having these same problems again and again and in the same way, I felt like if we’re not helping make each other become better people, then why stay, right? In a way, I’m like the person you were before you broke up with your boyfriend and if we don’t get to make it work, we’ll probably take the same path you did. I’m really sorry that it had to happen, but like what I keep telling my best friend, I’m also glad that she finally decided to end it with her boyfriend because for the longest time, I felt that she was taken for granted and that she deserves to find someone who would really be there for her. So take care and stay strong! Eventually, your heart will heal and like what they say, it will grow back bigger!

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    • Thanks for coming by and commenting. I hope you and your boyfriend are able to work it out, but only if it’s healthy for you. What DSB and I had was NOT healthy and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And when you keep having the same argument over and over…I have learned in the last several relationships I have been in, its never a good thing.

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    • Thanks Bradley. You’re always just so nice and caring. It’s one of the best things about you. I really appreciate your support and can use the hugs, virtual or otherwise. 😀

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  3. No matter how good or bad a relationship has been, it’s normal and healthy to grieve. And when you are ready, you will know that you have a new chapter ahead of you. It’s so hard to let go, I know. I also know that you have a lot of inner strength – and support! – to get you through this.
    *BIG HUGS*
    I’m always here for you, sweetie.

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    • I think I’m still in the shock and awe phase, with some serious sadness and a little anger mixed in. I really appreciate all of your support. It means so much to me!

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  4. I’m thinking of you.

    I find crying helps loads, (even if I am the most unsightly Cryer ever) and afterwards everything is easier to look at objectively.

    I hope things pick up for you soon, you must be due a good patch!!

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    • Thanks Jesska, for taking the time to comment. I’m getting ready for a big cry and pretty much just held it in all day. And you’re right, I am due a good patch…maybe I’ll win the lottery. 😀

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  5. You’re not an idiot. You’re kind hearted and you prefer to think of people as good until they prove otherwise. But here it is – he’s now proven 100% otherwise.

    Yup, it’ll suck for awhile. But you have your family, and YOU know how much they love you, and you have your friends. And yes, it’s YOUR house. He needs to grow the fuck up, but he can do that on someone elses dime.

    Love ya, kiddo.

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    • Thanks Mama. For everything. I mean it. I stlil feel like an idiot and like I cut him too much slack. The way things turned out are definitely for the better, but this shit is hard. And you’re right, he needs to do this on someone else’s dime. No more free ride for DSB. Lots of ❤ and ((hugs))!

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  6. The anxiety of taking care of someone with poor health is one thing. The abusive nature of a relationship is another. And having a “soul-mate” who is unable to give and receive love and affection is yet another. Having to deal with all three in a single relationship would, for me, be more than I could handle. And I’m a pretty hella strong individual most days. 😉

    Your recent post regarding your father and his weird emotional inability… well, ’tis why I could not handle that relationship for the long run. The good parts…which he has plenty of…for me were far outweighed by the lack of affection, love, and constant distancing.

    The man/boy I lived with for five years… gosh, I wish I’d had the guts to have left that relationship the first or second or third time I tried. I loved him, he loved me. He cheated on me over, and over, and over again. Yet another definition of an abusive relationship.

    No matter how simpatico the relationship in other ways… the first time I was hit, the first time I was called ugly names, I’d be outta that relationship so fast my head would likely spin like a possessed one. In my life and prior work, I’ve seen all manner of abusive relationships. They are never.ever. worth the price of admission. Every human being deserves better. Hell, even dogs deserve better. 😉

    The sun will come out… it’s only a heartbeat away. …XOXO

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    • The first few months will be really hard. Especially at night when you have nothing to occupy your mind. You will miss his presence and everything so badly. You might think that perhaps it is partly your fault too that things aren’t working out and it could have worked out have you not been ABCDXYZ as he claimed.

      Perhaps, late into the night you will pick up your phone and try to see if he is “online”. Just that alone will make you feel better.

      And as the heat cools and all that, you feel that perhaps things weren’t as bad and you can give it another chance.

      BUT if you were to hang in there for a while more, you will realize that you can move on perfectly well without him in your life.

      Yes, there were sad, hurting, angry times when you are with him. But there was also happy times with him. And you miss that happiness. BUT if you were to hang in there for a while more, you will come to realize that you are capable of being even happier for all the time, without him.

      I know you are strong. You will get through this, just like how many others have had. XOXO. 🙂

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      • I think you’re so right on all of this. Except for trying to find him online or through the phone. I’m done. DONE. I really appreciate your support and kind comment. Means more than you know!

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  7. OMG. Everyone else has said what I would, just know that we are here too as part of your support system.

    ((Hugs)) Plus sugar and alcohol as needed.

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    • Bring on the sugar. Sour gummy worms, followed by jelly bellys. 😀 I appreciate everything you do, all your support. I know you are there for me and I really do appreciate that. ((hugs!))

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  8. Prayers for strength your way, Rose–and, of course, whatever you need right now. I care about what happens with you–for what that’s worth from a guy in Pennsylvania. John

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  9. I know this sounds like 20-20 hindsight, but I saw this coming when you quit smoking and he would not only not support you, but did everything to make it harder for you. That lack of support was very telling.

    I’ve got a big day of doctors today, and I will write more later. Hang on. He would have to do a huge amount of changing before you’d be able to have a real relationship with him and no matter how sad you are now … you might be a whole lot sadder down the road. We all get into bad relationships at least once and we all hang onto them too long, make excuses we don’t really believe, accept the unacceptable because we are afraid to be alone.

    Eventually, something happens and it ends, We move on. And life gets better. You don’t have to be miserable. You deserve better. We all deserve better.

    As my mom always said (in her own semi-sarcastic way) — “Even for you, there’s someone.”

    She was right. There IS someone out there … waiting who will love YOU for yourself.

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    • I know you’re right, Marilyn. The quitting smoking endeavor should have been my clue. Hell, there were lots of clues. I just wasn’t listening well enough.

      And you’re right…he needed to change and I know he never would have.

      I really appreciate what you’re saying. I do deserve better, I just have to keep knocking that upside my thick skull. Much <3, Marilyn!

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  10. I can completely relate. I am kinda going thru the same issue. Breakups, even necessary ones are hard….maybe more difficult. I have spent almost 2 years trying to make this man that i love and would do anything for …love me back. The truth is he never will, maybe never can, or doesnt know how. I think we are not born really knowing how to love, once your cries as a baby go unheard you just learn to survive. I dont think him an evil person…just uneducated or undeveloped emotionally….i cant even blame him…you dont knpow what you dont know. I have recently just had to try to let it go…realizing there is not a thing, a single thing I can do to change or convince or show him how to love….he is just surviving. I feel bad, horrible for him, even writing about him. Because the truth is i feel sorry for him, i wish he would understand love, real love. he cant see my pain because he doesnt have the capacity. There is someone out there for you, me, everyone. God only knows if you or i will find that person…. or if we are supposed to. I refuse to close my heart….and tomorrow is another day.

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    • Sounds like we are in the same boat. DSB just didn’t get it, either. And at this point, I’m not sure if I care if I find that person…I’m getting to the point where I’m glad he’s gone. You will, too. ((hugs!))

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