Creating Fictions

fictions

 

I know now, my family saw right through him.  My excuses for why I couldn’t do something, be somewhere.  The reason was DSB.  I spent hours and hours and hours creating, in my head, this lovely relationship we had together.  Sure, it did have it’s high points.  He helped get me through one of the roughest bipolar patches I have ever had.  Does that mean that I owed him what he put me through after?

Surely not, but I can’t help but beat myself up that I went along with it for so long.  He never had money for groceries or to put gas in my car (that he used frequently).  This year, I tried to celebrate Valentine’s Day and our two year anniversary, buying him well-planned gifts.  I didn’t so much as receive a card.  Or even an acknowledgement.

He kept me from my family.  He badtalked them and tried to turn me against them.  At times it was almost as if he had succeeded.  I grew more distant from them, went to fewer family dinners, but bore the brunt of things when I decided to do things my way.  This IS my life, is it not?

I can understand couples wanting to do things tomorrow, but I will never, and I mean NEVER totally lose myself to a man, ever again.  I won’t give up what I believe in, I won’t forsake my family, and I will not allow myself to be bullied into doing any of the above.  I won’t take anymore emotional, psychological, or verbal abuse.  I will paint the picture as it is, and not hide all the desperately bad things from the people who know me best.

They’re not fooled anyway.  Only I was.  I was deluding myself into thinking we had something great.  We did have a deep connection, but it was all based on me doing exactly what he wanted me to do.  Things had to be a certain way.

The only person that has been allowed inside my house in the last two years, other than my mom, (and my dad once), is myself, Kizzie, Rascal, and him.  He isolated me and I am only seeing that now.  I am just so damn mad and disappointed in myself.

How many abusive relationships am I going to go through, year on end, until I learn my lesson?  Until I learn that being a couple d0esn’t mean I have to lose myself or what I believe in?  That there is doing nice things for your partner, and being your partner’s slave?  When will I get that?  I don’t know.

My hope is that I’m going to shake off the MEH soon and get started with building my life again.  I went to dinner at my mom’s tonight and just got home around 9:00.  DSB would never have allowed that.  But here I am, and I’m FUCKING FINE.  I’ll still get up in time for work tomorrow, still do my evening routine, still do the things I need to do to stay sane.

I was looking through “wallowing” in Google Images, and so much of it was things like, “Quit being a bitch and stop wallowing.”  Well, I’m not wallowing.  I’m thinking right now.  I’m thinking of what I want my life to be like, how I want things to go.  I’ve come up with three things that I am going to start implementing on a regular basis:

1) Walk Kizzie every day, even if it’s just around the property and back

2) Pay more attention to how I spend my free time and dedicate more time to meaningful activities.

3)  Say yes.  Say yes to invitations to do something.  Say yes when normally I would say no.  Just say yes.  Get out there, do something, be something.

I don’t feel super-positive right now.  I feel sad and angry and lost.  I feel confused.  What I don’t particularly feel is anxious, which is a big change from the last several months.  I feel like I am putting on a brave face when in fact my entire world is crumbling.

Because, ya know, IT IS.  The way I’ve lived the last two years of my life was not healthy.  And there was a structure and a rhyme and a reason to it.  And now I have to break through all of that and learn to be Rose again.  Rosa, Rose, Rosie…she needs to come back, through all of this bullshit.  A phoenix rising from the ashes, if you will.  There is a little tug at the back of my brain begging, “just come back, just come back.”  I’ve been single and  perfectly happy and healthy before.  I know I can do it.  What I have to do is to do it on MY terms.

 

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14 thoughts on “Creating Fictions

  1. Hi Rose, I have been following your blog for a few months and having Bi Polar for a third of my life (im 54).I have enjoyed your postings immensely.Yes, it sucks with what you just went through but like a Phoenix you will rise from the Ashes.its obvious you had a 90/10 relationship (where you worked at the relationship 90% and him 10%.I can relate.But you seem like a strong person and you will rise again.Spend time with your family and friends and be good to the most important person in your life-YOU.Remember you have 100s of followers who are rooting you on.All my best, Scott

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    • Thanks so much for commenting, Scott. You’re right, it definitely was a 90/10 relationship, and we all knew who was pulling the 90. Or at least I’m figuring it out now. I am doing as you suggest — spending time with family and friends. And I have the BEST readers. Thanks again so much for commenting, it really means a lot!

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    • Thanks Jesska. I do feel like I have to have everything together tomorrow, though. I am trying to slow down and just enjoy not having him around. It’s amazing how many enjoyable parts to that there are! Thanks so much for commenting and your support!

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  2. YES YES YES!!! Be angry, but put it to constructive use. You are a worthwhile human being who has a ton to offer the world. And you’re a grown woman who is perfectly capable of kicking ass and taking names.

    I invite you to remember one of the prime tenets of DBT – we strive to build a life worth living. So you go, and you start building, and know that we love you, and that can totally do this.

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    • 😀 You’re right, I am angry. But I’m also relieved. It’s nice to just settle down into being me again.

      So it’s all about working toward a life worth living, I agree. So many thank you’s to you for being such a great friend, m’dear! With my family and friends support, I totally feel like I can do this!

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  3. She will come back. It takes time and a lot of hard feelings, but she’ll come back.

    The thing about abusive relationships is it’s hard to see how messed up they are when you’re tangled up in them. It’s only once you get some distance that you can see how big the knot was. It’s easy to blame ourselves and say, “I should’ve known,” but it’s very hard to know when you’re in the thick of it. So try to go easy on yourself. I know that’s not easy, but it’s worth trying.

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    • You speak the words out of my mouth, Hope. Everything you just said there rings true. I’m going to try and be nice to myself, like you say. Sometimes easier said than done, but worth a try. I really appreciate all of your support through this, as I know you’re not feeling 100%. It really does mean a lot.

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  4. Sending good thoughts your way, Rose. I’ve been trying to get myself back lately. Feeling your vexation. Prevail! John

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  5. And this is why I have a phoenix tattooed on my left leg. Good resolutions. Remember not only to listen to your own thoughts, but to friends and family who care about you. They often see what you don’t. 20-20 hindsight is easy. Seeing 20-20 in the moment can be much more difficult. Been there. Paid the price. You’ve had a hard lesson and you’ve made wonderful resolutions.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s amazing how many smart people get into stupid, bad relationships. Give yourself a break. Now is a great time to pamper yourself a little, be nice to Rosie. She’s had a hard time. Give her a gift and treat her with love.

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    • Yes, I do need a little help with my hindsight and the in-the-moment, as well. I tend to get blinded by things, it seems.

      I am trying to be nice to myself. I gave Rosie some mint choco chip ice cream last night, and it was appreciated. Even more appreciated is that, without DSB here, there’s still a bunch left in the freezer! 😀

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