Hypomania, Perhaps Just a Touch

I have not been sleeping worth a damn for quite some time now.  Before DSB left, it was mostly stress-induced I think.  Now that he’s gone, I don’t really have a reason for it, other than I just don’t feel that tired at night.  I feel wired, in fact.

I was very sleepy last night and fell asleep around 8:00pm.  I was up around 1:00am, wide awake.  I tried getting up and drinking some milk, then going back to bed.  I laid there for a good hour, until I said “eff it.”  I got up, drank some water, pondered taking another sleeping pill, and decided that likely wouldn’t help, other than giving me a hangover for Wednesday.

I should probably put a call into my pdoc.  I have noticed that I am more irritable than usual, thoughts racing a bit more, having surges of energy, thinking about risk-taking behavior, and also feeling very up and down.  I have no way of telling if this is true hypomania, or if I’m just rebounding from the stress and anxiety of a bad relationship.

What I do know is that I can’t just let this go unchecked.  Part of me thinks it’s not hypomania, because I’m not super-driven to get stuff done.  I’m more in a holding pattern, where sitting still feels good and getting up and doing stuff is a pain in the ass.  Part of that has to do with my knee being fucked up, and part of that has to do with reveling in the joy that I’m no longer functioning as a caretaker, always having to be on my toes and anticipating every need.

With every big change, there is the possibility of a mood shift, and maybe that’s just what this is.  What it doesn’t explain is the irritability, the racing thoughts, and the up and down moods.  Or maybe it does.  At any rate, it’s 3:30am, I’m not tired, and I’m pondering going and doing my grocery shopping.  What I might do instead, though, is try and go lay down.

I just don’t see it happening though, because I am literally wired.  I mean seriously.  I’ve responded to all my comments, read all the blogs in my notification list, sent emails, and played around on FB.  There’s not a lot else for me to do at this point.  I’m thinking I’ll watch some mindless TV for a little while and maybe that will put me back into a sleepy state.

I’m just glad I don’t have to work tomorrow, because I will likely fall asleep around 6:00am and wake up around 10:00am.  My sleep schedule hasn’t been this out of whack for a long time.  And I don’t really get it because I am sticking to my normal routine.  Nothing is out of the ordinary, except DSB and Rascal aren’t here.

Change is just hard, isn’t it?

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31 thoughts on “Hypomania, Perhaps Just a Touch

  1. When I got hypomanic eoisodes, it did feel similar to what you are sharing. I too have days when it feels less intense than the normal hypomania, and I feel surprisingly more driven and get a lot of stuff done on my list … and end up asking myself if i was hyper or not. I reckon it could be a mix of stress, life change or just your mood cycle. Whatever it is, just go with the flow and give yourself plenty of rest and self care. I have found that when the hyper-ness has a repeating pattern and a major change from the way it usually is, i find it important to book an appointment. As long as it is mild, manageable and i am on my meds i just ride with it. Hang in there, Rose!

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    • Thanks, Doc! Well, it’s starting to become a bit unmanageable, so I’m on the stand-by list at my pdoc’s office. In the meantime, I’m just trying not to self-destruct.

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      • I totally know how that feels sweets! Hang in there, hope it gets sorted soon. Now ifever i do get hyper I get stressed out because I don’t wanna end up doing sth i should not be doing! I have a friend who just forces herself to sit on the couch so she doesn’t do anything out of hand!! Do whatever works for you, but above all, don’t forget your everyday dose of self love!!xoxo

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        • Thank you so much for all your support, Doc! I’m trying to get that self-love in there. I think today I’m gonna soak in my parents’ hot tub. Sounds heavenly!

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  2. Does it even matter what you call it? What about just living in whichever way works best for you? If you’re not tired, then going to bed and not sleeping just creates more stress, surely, so do something else. I don’t have that problem, I can pretty much sleep as soon as I get horizontal, so I can’t tell you what works for me, but I’ve heard Jigsaw puzzles are helpful. Maybe you could paint something (even if you never show anyone), or wash the floor or something else equally irrelevant. Do you read books? The light emitted by TVs and computers and phones is apparently not conducive to sleep.
    Or you could get an aquarium and watch the fish… 🙂

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    • That’s the answer…an aquarium! I know every trick in the book to getting tired, and the not sleeping is not the important part, the important part is that I am getting hypomanic which leads to the dreadful mania which leads to mass destruction. I’m just trying to avoid mass destruction, at this point.

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  3. For what ’tis worth, I vote hypomania. And due to changes, which always F with your head, whether the changes be good or bad, I vote with a call to your pdoc. Preferably two weeks ago. 😉 …XOXO

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  4. Sounds like a mixed (or dysthymic) episode. Combination of hypomanic elements and depression elements (like irritability).

    These are the most dangerous episodes I have because of the combo of negative/sometimes self-harm thoughts and my energy level and unchecked impulsiveness. In this state I have had two suicide attempts.

    I think seeing your doctor is a great idea, especially if these symptoms aren’t typical for you! Take care!

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    • Marilyn, you will be the first to know if I ever solve the sleeping problem. A few years ago, I got a CPAP, and that solved it for a little while. Now there’s just that sleeplessness and I don’t think there’s anything for that. I did get an appt to see my pdoc tomorrow (I think my therapist put in a stern word) and was told to take one of my meds more often than usual and stop the Ritalin. We’ll see how it goes.

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    • Thanks for your support, Cynthia! I started reading your book last night and am in love with the idea of the culvert in the yard of your Jamaican home. I can just picture you walking across it as a young girl!

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      • I am thrilled you bought my book, Rose. One day, I will read yours. My writing is simple (but not simplistic) and many readers have said it is so vivid, they can imagine it. So when I tell you that your writing has a lovely simplicity, and a vividness that is very appealing, I know of what I speak!
        Keep writing, Rose. Keep working at it. You have a gift and that’s a great place to start and build upon it with some techniques that you can learn. I’m counting on you!

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        • Oh, Cynthia, you are too kind! I love to write and feel driven to do it, but am not sure I could ever call myself a writer. I’ve thought before of doing a memoir, have thought about it a long time, but have always dismissed it as something I am not capable of doing. I appreciate the encouragement. Maybe I’ll have to give that memoir idea another thought. You totally made my day. 😀

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  5. Any change in my routine/life situations, my head says “Fuck it.” and does what it needs to do. I spend more time in depression so when hypomania hits, I know it. It is a very distinct feeling. While I know that I should stop it, I keep it going until I think it is out of control. That never happens though…it just gets out of control.
    Maybe when things settle and you get into a new routine, things will get better for you. PS. Is the world shaking, or is it you and your energy? …hee hee.

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    • Oh, me too! Change, especially major change, totally throws me off. I have spent more time lately in neutral, so I also was keenly aware that something was off when the hypomania hit. Now I’m just trying to head it off. Full blown mania for me is so very ugly, as is the swing to the other direction of depression.

      I really am working at the new routine. I actually slept last night, which was a miracle in and of itself.

      And yes, I think it’s my energy that’s shaking the Earth. Isn’t that how it happens for everyone? LOL

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  6. Sleep and I have a mutual antipathy for each other. When I want to sleep it says no and when sleep wants to put in an appearance I’ve usually got other things that need to be done. Best I manage is to fight it to a draw. Fortunately I’ve been able to function quite well on 4 to 5 hrs a night even 3 at a pinch as long as it’s heavy sleep. Take care – try reading, sometimes that helps wrestle it into submission – NOT a new book or you’ll stay up to finish [well that’s what I end up doing] but an old favorite just to relax your mind a little.

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    • Oh, my…I could never do 3 hours a night and not end up manic as hell. I’ve been thrown into this current tailspin, but still getting 4 or 5. I have to be really consistent with my sleep, or I get in trouble. And it’s a good idea to read something boring before bed. I just have all these page-turners that I wanna get read! 😀

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