I have not been sleeping worth a damn for quite some time now. Before DSB left, it was mostly stress-induced I think. Now that he’s gone, I don’t really have a reason for it, other than I just don’t feel that tired at night. I feel wired, in fact.
I was very sleepy last night and fell asleep around 8:00pm. I was up around 1:00am, wide awake. I tried getting up and drinking some milk, then going back to bed. I laid there for a good hour, until I said “eff it.” I got up, drank some water, pondered taking another sleeping pill, and decided that likely wouldn’t help, other than giving me a hangover for Wednesday.
I should probably put a call into my pdoc. I have noticed that I am more irritable than usual, thoughts racing a bit more, having surges of energy, thinking about risk-taking behavior, and also feeling very up and down. I have no way of telling if this is true hypomania, or if I’m just rebounding from the stress and anxiety of a bad relationship.
What I do know is that I can’t just let this go unchecked. Part of me thinks it’s not hypomania, because I’m not super-driven to get stuff done. I’m more in a holding pattern, where sitting still feels good and getting up and doing stuff is a pain in the ass. Part of that has to do with my knee being fucked up, and part of that has to do with reveling in the joy that I’m no longer functioning as a caretaker, always having to be on my toes and anticipating every need.
With every big change, there is the possibility of a mood shift, and maybe that’s just what this is. What it doesn’t explain is the irritability, the racing thoughts, and the up and down moods. Or maybe it does. At any rate, it’s 3:30am, I’m not tired, and I’m pondering going and doing my grocery shopping. What I might do instead, though, is try and go lay down.
I just don’t see it happening though, because I am literally wired. I mean seriously. I’ve responded to all my comments, read all the blogs in my notification list, sent emails, and played around on FB. There’s not a lot else for me to do at this point. I’m thinking I’ll watch some mindless TV for a little while and maybe that will put me back into a sleepy state.
I’m just glad I don’t have to work tomorrow, because I will likely fall asleep around 6:00am and wake up around 10:00am. My sleep schedule hasn’t been this out of whack for a long time. And I don’t really get it because I am sticking to my normal routine. Nothing is out of the ordinary, except DSB and Rascal aren’t here.
Change is just hard, isn’t it?