Paranoia Raises it’s Ugly Head (among other things)

If you’ve read one of my posts lately, you know I’m in the midst of a hypomanic episode, that I’m post nine day break-up with DSB (and happy about it), and that I haven’t been sleeping.  Oh, and that I had a groundbreaking grocery shopping experience yesterday.  That pretty much sums up the last 10 days.

Today has not been a very good day.  My thoughts are racing, I’m irritable, spacey and dazed, can’t concentrate, and highly emotional.  I’m sure there’s more, but those are the highlights.  I somehow made it through three hours of work and then was so relieved when I was asked to leave early and do the bank run.  Leave early?  Go to the bank?  Well, yes, yes I can!

I had my appointment at 2:30pm, and Dr. Wizard (yes, he’s a wizard…magic stuff he does) really seemed baffled.  And then I told him about poor sleeping pattern for the past month and then almost no sleep the past week and that other life-altering event, and it all made sense to him.  He thinks the best thing to do to work me out of this hypomanic hell, is to get me sleeping again.  He prescribed flurazepam, which is a benzo, like the  clonazepam I am already taking.

I have a list of instructions from him, so my addled brain doesn’t OD or take something I’m not supposed to.  I’m supposed to take 10 mg of olanzapine (Zyprexa) twice a day, plus before bedtime.  I’m to stay off Ritalin until I have had “five normal days.”  I’m to take 1-2 flurazepams at bedtime.  I am also to start taking one of my three Geodon pills in the morning.  I’m also not to take any clonazepam in close concordance with the flurazepam.  I think that’s all, but like I said, I have a list.

Ok, I’ll try it.  I’m game.  I’m ready to feel better, and Dr. Wizard has yet to completely fail me.  I haven’t felt this horrible in a really long time, so I’m actually pretty desperate.

And on top of hypomania, we have rampant paranoia.  Everyone hates me, everyone is talking about me, I’m getting on everyone’s nerves, no one cares that I’m feeling bad, I’m being rejected by society as a whole.

Yep.  At least I know it’s paranoia and not fact.  It’s hard to stay grounded right now, and I’m trying.  I keep hugging my mom and patting Rock on his sunburned shoulder and I would have hugged Blue Cat (the artist formerly known as Catfish) if I thought I could get away with it.

There is a big fish fry at my mom’s tomorrow, and earlier in the week I was looking forward to it, even excited about it.  Now, I’m not sure I’ll go.  There are going to be a lot of people there and I just don’t know if I can handle it.  If I can fake being okay enough to pass.  If I even want to try and fake it, because I’ve been doing a pretty poor job at faking it anyway.

I just don’t know.  What I’d really like to do is work from home for the next two weeks (which is obviously impossible when you work in a bait shop) and just spend a lot of time playing with Kizzie.  I have food to eat, plenty of ice (can’t drink anything without it), great company (Kizzer!!!), and there are phones and computers if I feel the need to reach out and touch someone.

I feel very alone, and at the same time want to be alone, want to be left alone, but am actually starving for positive attention.  Does that make any sense at all?  I can’t help but thinking negative things when I am trying to talk to someone and I can’t help thinking that I am being judged and sized up.  I can’t help thinking that I can’t stop thinking and that I can’t stop thinking at such a rapid pace.

I can’t stop thinking about how bad I feel and about how I am raining on everyone’s parade by feeling bad.  It has been a long time since I have had an episode, and it’s like I had forgotten how absolutely awful they are.  I just have all these emotions and yet I have no emotions.  It’s insanity, and yes, Goddess of Mindfulness, I know I need to stop being so black and white.  This or that.  On the dialectic.

Goddess of Mindfulness, I think the past five months of taking care of DSB were apparent competence and I wish I would have figured that out sooner.

For those not in the know, apparent competence is basically:

Apparent competence refers to outwardly being able to cope and seeming in control, while inwardly being completely lost, or mentally unwell. It does not necessarily have the ability to span all situations however, people may be able to shake off depression one day and but not the next. It is inconsistent. It can be dangerous as you as well as others may fail to recognize what it happening for what it is, false competence, until it is too late and things blow up in a crisis. Since others cannot always understand or appreciate apparent competence, cries for help are often ignored and people are assumed to be incorrectly “quite well” which further complicates the risks that are associated with this situation. 

This is an excerpt of a blog article that can be found here.

It’s a DBT thing.  Anyway.  That’s me when I was working full-time, doing the social worker-type thing and that is often me, in many different situations.  I fall into apparent competence all too often, and I should have recognized it sooner.

But I didn’t, and now here I am.  Wanting to be all alone but desperate for someone to reach out.  This black and white, this dialectic…I don’t know how much more of it I can take.  I’m not saying I’m giving up, because I’m not, but I wish there was some magic fix to all this bullshit.

My apologies for the ranting and raving and crying all over my blog post.  I needed to let all that out, and that’s what I do here.  This is RosieSmrtiePants, off to dinner and TV with Kizzie, over and out.

12 thoughts on “Paranoia Raises it’s Ugly Head (among other things)

  1. Dear, do not apologize. if you can’t rant, rave and cry here, where else can you?

    I am having to revisit my DBT techniques, so thanks for the reminder.

    I hope you are able to attend the fish fry, but I understand if you can’t. I think knowing the victory in recognizing the paranoia is great, though it doesn’t help with the immediate issues.

    The food trip truly was a big deal, on control, ED and freedom levels. Don’t downplay that. It’s only been 10 days…be gentle with yourself. You’re going through grief cycles, even if there is a component of relief involved.

    ((Hugs)) You are never alone. You can always “bug” me….except it isn’t bugging me at all.

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    • Oh, I know, I just hate being whiny!

      DBT is good stuff, revisit often!

      I did go to the fish fry and had a blast. It’s all in my next post. 😀

      Yes, the food trip was a big deal and it’s like you’re the only one that truly gets that. It was HUGE.

      ((hugs!))

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  2. I’m glad to have found your blog. I’m sorry you’ve been going through “hypomanic hell”. Here’s hoping it gets better soon.

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    • I’m happy you’re here, Doreen! I’m hoping it’s better, soon, too. Feeling pretty good today, but that could still be a bit of hypomania, so who knows.

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  3. Hang in there, sweetie, and reach out if you need me. My sleep has been goofed this week as well so I’m in that hypomanic boat with you. Listen to the good doc and you’ll be back on track in short order.

    Odd question for you – are you taking the Geodon with food?

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    • I think things are already starting to get back on track, I hope.

      That’s not an odd question. Three years after I started taking Geodon, I was told it had to be taken with “something with a little fat in it.” Three years after that, it had to be taken with “at least 500 calories, preferably a meal.” So, yes, I do take my Geodon with food. I don’t know why I wasn’t told that in the first place.

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        • At least you figured it out! I had no clue and when the doctor told me, I was like, WTF! Nowadays it’s right there on the label…take with food. Why weren’t they doing that to begin with. And, lemme just say, I do so love Geodon. If I ever have to stop taking it, I have no doubt I will suffer a big lapse.

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  4. Yes.You.CAN! For some, I believe paranoia, if you want to call it that, often rears its fork-tongued head when mania attempts to strike. QoD has yer back, and is carrying a big stick. Used to carry a hoe, but grew weary of the double entendres. 😀

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