My Guilty Pleasure (TW)

Today’s Daily Prompt begs the question:

What’s the one guilty pleasure you have that’s so good, you no longer feel guilty about it?

Guilt-Trip-Sticker

 

This is a good question, because I have many guilty pleasures.  Most of them are food-related.  A few are not.  I read several other blogs’ take on this question, and it seems that food or food-related items rank way up there as a guilty pleasure that they are making no apologies for.

It’s food and it’s fuel, right?  I know very few people who actually operate that way, although they claim they do.  It’s about taste and texture and comfort.  It’s about memories and celebrating and tradition.  Food can be art.  Can fuel be art?

Food can also be guilt.  Food can be a habit that is (seemingly) unbreakable.  Food can be a pattern, an imprint on our soul, a war that we constantly wage.  As a person who grew up dealing with bulimia, to an adult who constantly battles with Binge Eating Disorder, with very occasional purging thrown in for good measure, I cannot say that I am able, at this point, to have a relationship with food that mimics the “food is fuel” model.  As much as I would like, I’m not there.

I like food, actually LOVE food, but food is also the enemy.  Too little, while failing to try and eat in moderation, and I make up for that later with way too much food and a whole pot full of bad feelings about it.  If I eat an inordinate amount and am in a very bad place, I revert to old bulimic behaviors.  Why don’t I just stop already?

Food is my guilty pleasure.  But one that I do feel guilty about, which is not what the Daily Prompt really wants me to write about.  My relationship with food is better than it used to be.  I eat healthier, binge less, but it still happens.

My bingeing has been better since DSB left.  I am not keeping a lot of food around to binge on, and I had a better-than-usual experience my last grocery shopping trip in which the only real trigger item I bought was peanut butter.  Let’s just say that the peanut butter’s days were numbered and it is long gone.  And I feel really bad about that.  But there’s not much I can do now.

It will be interesting to see how my eating disorder moves along now that DSB is gone.  Already, I said, it has been better.  I want to know — will I be able to finally cure myself?  Given the right blend of vegetables and fruit and starch and protein, will I be able to banish those obsessive stuff-your-face thoughts out of my head?  I certainly hope so.

It’s certainly something I need to work on in therapy.  Something I haven’t mentioned in eons.  I’ve just been plugging away, not mentioning it because, well, I feel pretty guilty about it.

Which is why this is such a big post.  It is very hard to tell the world that you are overweight and have an eating disorder.  It is not well-understood.  “Well, just eat less!”  Right on.  All I have to comfort myself with right now, is that I am trying very hard, being extra vigilant, and hopefully with those two things and the help of my therapist, I can nip this life-long issue in the bud…forever.

 

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16 thoughts on “My Guilty Pleasure (TW)

  1. Wow. This is a post I can definitely relate to, as you well know, but how you took the prompt and interpreted it is wonderfully done.

    Big, major hugs to you my friend. You have come a long way, and you may still have a way to go, but you are doing it. This is inspiring to me ❤

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    • Thanks, Sheena! (sorry for the lame and very late comment…I know we fight some of the same battles. I guess this day I just felt like facing it, unlike so many others. ((hugs))!)

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  2. I can relate to this too. I continue to gain weight, even though I exercise regularly, because I eat way too much. I love it so much that I don’t want to work on this problem with my therapist. I’m writing this in between bites of homemade chocolate chip cookies…

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  3. Food is the enemy you can’t avoid. You can give cigarettes, drugs … pretty much anything EXCEPT food because you always have to eat. So you have to confront that enemy several times every day. It’s the worst. Meanwhile, I wish I had some of those homemade cookies 🙂

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    • It’s so true — you can’t get around eating. I mean, you can, but that’s a whole other eating disorder. I think that’s what makes it so difficult, is that your mind is screwing with you on the most basic level — you have to have food to sustain your body.

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  4. I can relate to much of what you said. There’s a terrible donut shop down the street, but they have 1 item that I like – their cinnamon rolls. Whenever I just walk on past them I give myself a pat on the back.

    Peanut butter is my kryptonite. If we have it in the house I will literally grab a spoon and eat half the jar in one sitting. Looks like it’s something we have in common.

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    • PB doesn’t last a single day in my house. It’s terrible, the worst. I don’t know what it is about it, but I’m like you — sit and eat it with a spoon.

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  5. Man, do I feel your pain, Rose. I love to cook and am good enough at it that I’m a little dangerous. I just wish I could learn to savor and slow down. I think that would help me, anyway. Peace, John

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