I have been rather annoyed with myself this past week, for not blogging more. I told myself that it was okay, that I was taking time out to do things that would improve my mental health and lessen the loss of DSB. I told myself that starting new routines was what I needed to do in order to move on with my life, and, in some ways, that is true. In some ways, it isn’t.
Not being on a structured schedule, where I have to be home at a certain time, get dinner on the table by a certain time, spend a certain number of hours at home, and so forth — that’s not structure I need, and it’s structure that I’ve kissed goodbye.
I realized that I have really no reason to wake up at 6:00 a.m. every day, or even 7:00 a.m. for that matter. I therefore do not have to go to bed at 8:00 p.m. or 9:00 p.m. What this means is that I can stay out (yes, OUT!) later, enjoying the company of my family, nuclear and extended. It also means that I can stay up until 10:00 p.m. to watch a tv show or watch a movie. It means that I can go to bed at 10:00 p.m. and it’s ok to read for another hour or two, if I’m really into my book.
I mainly feel like, before I had all of these contstraints on me and on my time, and now those heavy chains have been unlocked and I have shed them, leaving them far behind. Doing what I want to do, unfettered by anyone else’s agenda, is lovely. Being where I want to be, eating what I want to eat, driving where I want to drive. It’s all quite freeing.
In some ways, I feel like I’m a bit free-floating, and could possibly use some more structure, but I just feel so HAPPY with the way things are going right now, that maybe that part of me that has always held such tight control over having a schedule and having things PLANNED out, is releasing it’s grip a bit.
Regina asks, “if I kissed you where it’s sore, would you feel better, would you feel anything at all?” The answer is, yes, I have actually already been kissed (by family, by freedom, by living life, by my pup!) where it is sore, and I do feel much, much better.