I was going to do today’s Daily Prompt about memories, but I decided I needed to take a rest and just put my feet up for a bit first. When I came home after work today, I felt tired and just really out-of-sorts. We have all been working really hard the past few weeks and it’s starting to take it’s toll. I almost never nap, but today was different.
As soon as I came home, the first things I did were to get more water and to play with the Kizzer dog for a good half hour. I then sat, smoking, staring at my computer screen. I didn’t have the energy to catch up on blog reading and I didn’t feel like writing. I just felt like laying down. So I did, expecting that the amazingness I felt as soon as I did would linger but that I would stay awake.
In the five years since I received my CPAP, it has come to the point where I literally can’t fall asleep without it. And haven’t. Until today. I woke up two hours later and felt refreshed. At least a little less pissy. And I started to think about memories.
I had a dream about DSB just before I woke up. In the dream, I was crying my heart out and begging him to stay. He said nothing. I cried some more. He left. I woke up with this strong tug in my heart and then I realized, “oh yeah, I’m not missing him.” And I’m not. I’m not really even missing the good times, because I see them so clearly now for what they are.
Memories. The Daily Prompt wants to know if “vivid and recent” or “those that time has covered in a sweet haze” are better. I really don’t think I have a clear answer to that. The memories I prefer are the good ones — and it doesn’t matter if they’re 10 minutes or 30 years old. You can have a really good memory that is old and vivid, just as you can have a new memory that is sweetly hazy.
Bipolar disorder does something to your memory and I know Goddess of Mindfulness has explained it, several pdocs have, and I’ve looked it up. In the midst of an episode, you might not retain memories well, and you might not be able to retrieve already existing memories well. I don’t remember the science of it, but that’s the gist.
I am thankful every morning that I wake up, and don’t have a trauma-based nightmare. I think of these nightmares as those traumatic memories coming alive while I’m sleeping. They can eat your shit up. Fast. When I start to have them, I know something is awry, and I do something about it. Fast.
I have memories from two to three years ago that are bathed in the haze of mania, and I’m glad those memories aren’t vivid. I did some seriously stupid shit during that time. Just as I have memories bathed in a haze of depression for other, more, many times in my life. I don’t like most of those memories, because when you’re depressed, you tend to only remember the bad stuff.
So, Mr. Daily Prompt — I prefer my memories to be of any age, but I would prefer the hazed version. Life day to day in my world is vivid enough — I don’t need them racing around in my head, replaying all day and night.