First of all, thanks to my friend, Mama, who created this fun and lovely banner for series I started long ago, Collection of Thoughts. I find that I haven’t been using this series enough, because a lot of times there will be several things that I want to talk about that don’t.quite.fit.together and this series allows me to do just that.
I have many silly little fears, but the fear I have been facing over the past few days is my fear that I will lose the love of my sister, that we will never be close. I have had this fear most of my life, mostly because I have always thought that my sister looked on me as the “crazy” sister. We have been emailing back and forth for the past few days about a separate issue, a terribly sensitive and embarrassing issue, and she said a lot of things that surprised me. About her unconditional love for me. About how she feels like I keep her at arm’s length. About how she wishes we were friends and we were close again.
I never expected any of those things to come out of her mouth. I have always dearly loved my sister and would go to the ends of the Earth to spare her from any pain or hurt, would fiercely defend her, to the death if necessary, but I always thought she saw me differently than how she apparently does see me.
I’m excited. She wants us to be friends, to be close. Well I want that, too…I just didn’t think it is possible. You see, my sister is about the coolest, smoothest, most put-together person I know. I’ve always wanted to be more like her. Hell, I’ve ASPIRED to be more like her. She has all the immaterial things that I would like to have. She has the confidence, the know-how, the smarts, the skills. She is an amazing woman and I am surprised over and over that she wants to include little old crazy me in her life.
But she does. And that’s awesome. She wants to come visit me with my nephew. She wants to go for walks again and hang out. She wants to see more of me. There was this issue that was in the way, the terribly sensitive and embarrassing one, and it has now brought us closer. I leave Thursday at 7:30am to go drive to the big city and spend the entire day watching my nephew (along with my Dad and his wife), and I couldn’t imagine any better day. I feel closer to her now than I have in a long time. She has become so mature about things, I’m just incredibly proud and happy.
It’s possible I’ve already blogged about this, but there are four goals I have set with Goddess of Mindfulness that must be attained daily. They will all keep my life regulated and peaceful, ready for whatever the day and the people around me might throw at me.
1) Hygiene. Shower every day. Lotion. Loofah. Pumice stone. Trimmed toenails and fingernails. Stray chin hairs removed. Legs and armpits shaved. Deodorant. Teeth flossed and brushed.
Dad is helping with this bit. With motivation, with rewards, with help buying the things I need to stay clean. This is something I’ve classically struggled a lot with, but I’m feeling really motivated. No one wants a stinky daughter, co-worker, sister. It’s a real problem and I’m going to do something about it.
2) Take the very best care of Kizz. Fresh water and food everyday. Treats. Walks. Bones. Lots of petting. Grooming regularly. Shots, heartworm, flea/tick always up to date.
I guess that could seem a little obvious, but it’s clear to me that Kizzie needs a little extra TLC after two years of DSB/Rascal. She is getting a lot of attention — anytime she asks to be petted, I am dropping what I’m doing and petting her (within reason). She sleeps in bed with me, under the covers, back in her original place. She is definitely happier as a single pup than as part of a two-some.
3) Take meds as prescribed. Morning and evening. Bedtime. Nine, noon, and three. All of them, every day, always.
As many may know from personal experience, shit hits the fan when the med schedule gets messed up. I feel like I have more meds to take at several different times than the average bear. So, I have to be organized about it, and I usually am. I can tell if I’m late on Ritalin or I missed my morning meds.
4) Eat healthy. No fast food. Limited soda and sugared drinks. Lots of fresh fruit and veggies. Avoid bingeing.
I am not worried about a number on a scale or a certain pants size fitting — I am concerned with my overall mobility which has become severely limited due to my extra weight. I want to be able to do housework or yardwork without stopping every 10 minutes. I want to bounce up out of my chair when Mom asks me to do something. I want to say “yes” when life’s activities require some physical effort. I want to be able to take a shower and reach all my spots, comfortably pee in a regular sized bathroom stall, stand on my head and meditate. Whatever. I just want to be able to move.
From March 27, 2012 to April 30, 2014, I was like a ghost to my family. The only person I ever saw was my mom. I drifted away from all of them, and I am now gaining them all back. I was teasing my dad that I never need to buy any groceries, because I’m always at someone else’s house for dinner. He and my mom both said the same kind of thing, as in, yes, we have missed that so. The transition from coupledom to single-life has been better and easier than I expected. Sure, there were some hard times in the very beginning and a lot of beating myself up over staying with someone like DSB for so long, but now it’s over.
I can feel peace, I can feel love. The dramatics in life, the huge limb that fell in my back yard today and knocked out part of my fence, the big Memorial Day weekend at the store, the time I’m spending with QoB and the Big Dawg and Dad — all just priceless and I couldn’t get through any of this without them.
I told Mom and the Big Dawg today that, if it weren’t for them and their support, Kizzie would be in the pound and my house would be foreclosed on and I’d be in the state psychiatric hospital. And that’s probably true.
I’m reconnecting with my sister, as well, along with my stepsister and her family. The friendships I’ve built are only growing stronger, and I must say, for the first time in a long time:
I FEEL HAPPY. I FEEL JOY. I FEEL CONTENTMENT.
And it feels damn good and long overdue.