Who I Am

Here we are, Day 37 post DSB-break-up.  I couldn’t be more thrilled with my new-found freedom, spare time, lack of anxiety, and re-connection with family.  I mean thrilled, over-the-moon.  What I am less thrilled with is the basic and simple fact that I have to work, REALLY HARD, at figuring out this new life again.

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You know, what it means to be single, to not be tied down.  While I used to have a very rigid schedule, everything is very loose now.  It bothers me, to a degree.  I feel like I am reinventing Rosa, and in a way, I guess I am.  The Rosa of the past two years put up with way too much shit, had her self-esteem slowly chipped away, and mentally blocked out all of the “wrongness” that was the relationship with DSB.

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But I see it now.  I see it clearly.  I see where I should have stood my ground, made different choices, forced him to leave much earlier in the game.  The minute he tried keeping me from my family, or badmouthing them, I should have ended it.  I didn’t, and I have nightmares about it, frankly.  About how I gave up my family for a relationship that really wasn’t all that great, or healthy.

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I feel a lot of shame, am actually really burdened down by shame and guilt.  The Rosa of the last two years is not the Rosa I want to be.  And I’m changing things, sometimes in little steps, sometimes in huge leaps of faith.  It’s hard, though.  I have great family and friend support, but I am lacking something.  I think I know what it is, but I’m not positive.  What I think I am facing is a deep sense of uncertainty and insecurity.

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Because I feel like I’m reinventing myself, I also feel like I don’t know who I really am.  I’m uncertain about what I like and don’t like, what I will put up with and I won’t.  I worry that my reactions to certain things are either over-the-top or not intense enough.  I feel wildly varying emotions about so many issues, so many people, so many subjects, and just so many things.  And along with that, I have had two cycles in the past month, and just when I’m feeling good, something crops up and I feel like all the progress I have made has been obliterated.

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I’m not saying that’s how it is, but just that it FEELS that way.  I feel lost a lot of the time, and a lot of the time I’m putting on a happy face when inside I’m in a rage about something or I’m so agitated I can barely focus on what it is I’m supposed to be doing.  Lost.  Lost.  Lost.  I am like a ship out at sea that has lost it’s navigational system.  No way back to dry land, to safety.  But isn’t it safe HERE?  NOW?

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I am good with life changing, but it seems so huge, so dramatic.  I feel like a totally different person now than when I was with DSB.  It feels good to be able to do what I want to be, but there is so much uncertainty now.  Before, I knew where I had to be at what times and what I was supposed to be doing.  Now, there is no plan, there is no schedule.  I’m living life flying by the seat of my pants and it terrifies me.  I don’t feel secure in this person I am trying to be and I feel very unsure about what I should be doing on a minute-to-minute basis.  Before, it was all planned out and orchestrated.  Now, well, like I said!  Seat of your pants!

When this song first came out, my grandpa had passed, but my grandma was still around.  I’d substitute Grandma’s name for the one in the song, and the line about looking like my dad and momma being my biggest fan were (and still are) SO TRUE.  This song really grounded me during a time where, again, I didn’t know who I was.  I’ve listened to it four times now on repeat, after writing everything above (which frankly, needed to come out either way), and it is grounding me again, like it once did back when times were rough.

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That’ll be alright
If I don’t make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I’m gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am

I am Rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am

So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I’ll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing
I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am

I am Rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am

I’m a saint and I’m a sinner
I’m a loser; I’m a winner
I am steady and unstable
I’m young, but I am able

I am Rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am

I am Rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am
That’s who I am

 

 

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28 thoughts on “Who I Am

  1. You’ve come so far, I am proud of the steps you have taken and the self-evaluation. Things may still come up here or there, but you are building a solid foundation and toolkit to handle them with each day. ((hugs)) to you, dear!

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    • Thanks, m’dear! You have been a big support to me and I totally appreciate you! I am needing to dig back into my DBT toolkit — thinking about filling out diary cards again for awhile, see if it helps. ((hugs!))

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  2. 37 days?!?! Has it really been that long. Wow. There were several times in my life that I had to start all over again. Starting with a clean slate is both exciting and terrifying. Rose will always be a work in progress. There’s no need to try and figure it all out right now. Just be the best Rose you can be each day.

    Great song, BTW. You’re starting to make me think I’m a country music fan. Yikes!

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    • Well, Bradley, if ya live from the heart, there’s always gonna be side roads. Embrace the lessons learned and the knowledge and strength. All of life truly IS a work in progress…. why should any of us expect something different, unless we stagnate?

      And Ahem… eclectic in the music genre is growth. 😉

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    • I know! This 37 days feels like a long time ago! I like that, “be the best Rose you can be” and will try and keep that in mind when I’m wanting things to move along faster. I think you MIGHT be a country music fan, Bradley — no shame in that! 😀

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  3. Still remember when this song came out… and how absolutely.f’g.perfect it was for ya. Same song, second verse, and still rockin’ those lyrics. Very damned happy you found it again, and reminded me of the great memories going forth from it.

    Might be some singin’ going on tomorrow. 😉

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  4. It’s really uncomfortable when something huge changes and you’re not sure who you are anymore. I know my tendency in those situations is to run back to wherever I just came from because even though it doesn’t fit me anymore, it’s less uncomfortable than not knowing what does fit. It’s really freaking HARD to sit with the uncomfortableness of not knowing who you are anymore, especially in a culture that wants us to define ourselves in absolutes and never change.

    On my favorite TV show, there’s a scene where one character is being interrogated. The interrogator keeps asking her over and over again, “Who are you?” First she answers with her name, then her job title, then her genealogy. But the interrogator keeps saying her answers are unacceptable and asking her that same question. Finally she says she doesn’t know. “Then there may yet be hope for you,” he says.

    When I first saw, I didn’t get that on a gut level. It wasn’t until I went into serious treatment with a real commitment to getting better, until I moved 1000 miles away from my family, that I finally understood. I wasn’t my name, my family, my illness. I didn’t know who I was, and I thought that made me a failure. I didn’t understand, at the beginning, that I had to experience the emptiness and ambivalence without running away.

    I still couldn’t tell you in words who I am, but I’ve learned what it feels like to be myself. You’ll get there in time. And while you’re getting there, try not to blame yourself for not getting out of the relationship with DSB sooner. It’s always easier to see the patterns from a distance, but when you’re living it, the patterns and signs usually aren’t obvious. You did the best you could.

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    • Hope, you always leave the best comments and I feel inferior in my reply to you. It really IS hard, like you say, to be uncomfortable in not knowing who you are and I feel it every minute of every day. I keep searching for who I want to be, and I’ve picked out a few things I DON’T want to be, so hopefully it’ll all get figured out soon. I really appreciate all your support!

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      • I don’t see you as inferior at all! I’ll let you in on a little secret: I always second-guess my comments (to anyone, not just you). “Oh, you’re so rambly, and you talk about yourself too much. No one wants to hear all that.” But most of the unkind things I say to myself about what other people think of me aren’t actually true. It twists my brain around, like some mental optical illusion, I’m guessing it’s similar for you.

        Knowing what you don’t want to be is a really good start. A lot of the pop psychology self-help stuff says you shouldn’t define yourself in the negative, but I think they’re full of crap. It’s like art classes where they teach people to draw the negative space around the object instead of the object itself. (Admittedly, I only assume they teach that in art class because I’ve seen it on TV a few times; I haven’t taken an art class since 5th grade.) The start of learning who I am was that I’m not who my family sees. That’s still the biggest definition for me. So it sounds like you’re off to a pretty good start to me.

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        • See! There’s another great comment! I always find myself too rambly on other people’s posts, too, but seems like I always get good feedback. I’d rather someone was rambling than just say, “Great post!” if ya know what I mean.

          I agree, about the negative space thing. I figure if I can piece together what I DON”T want to be, it will help with what I DO want to be. Wise words, m’dear!

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  5. I can totally relate to what you’re going through and I feel the same sense of bewilderment you do about my life. I know what my responsibilities are when it comes to my children, but when it comes to me and my life, I have no idea how to proceed and no clue what I want for myself.

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  6. Rose: the uncertainty after a change is what causes people to roll back into what they knew before. I am glad that you are facing your transition with openness.
    Wishing you all good things as you continue to move forward into the light.
    Cynthia.

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  7. Change is so scary but it sounds like you are really working through it all. Keep up the hard work! 🙂

    I’ve never heard that song before, it’s pretty awesome. Thank you for sharing.

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    • Thanks, GE. I’m working on it! And yes, that’s the best song ever, at least for me, at this time. Seems like I have a new “theme” song every week. 😀

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