I’ve been up since 4:00 am. This is not normal for me. Usually I sleep until anywhere between 7:30 am and 8:00 am. And if I took my meds kind late, sometimes until 10:00 am. Considering that I fell asleep last night around 10:00 pm, it does not bode well for the day that I was up at 4:00 a.m. More of that mixed bullshit that I seem to have to keep going through.
Now might not have been the best time to quit smoking, but other than hounding my mom for a cigarette yesterday, it has actually been going okay. Okay, I’m white-knuckling it, to be honest, but at least I haven’t fallen back into the habit. That’s just over three days, m’dears. That’s a long time to a quitter and mere seconds to a normal person.
I’ve found that most people generally d0n’t want to give you any props until you have made some “real” progress, like smoke-free for at least one to three months. Why that is — probably because most people relapse before then. It doesn’t make sense to me, though. Wouldn’t you think you would want to praise and encourage from the get-go, so that person feels supported. The people I am talking about don’t read this blog, so I feel very comfortable sticking my middle finger out at them and screaming, “FUCK YOU!”
Hmmm…thought that would have made me feel a bit better, but it doesn’t. Maybe it needs to be a face-to-face “fuck you,” although that probably wouldn’t be much good for the relationship. I’ll just stick to saying it in my head. Maybe out loud once or twice, shaking my fist at the sky. Who knows. This lack of cigarettes makes me crazy.
Speaking of quitting smoking, my mom and sister came over and we cleaned like crazy-women. There is not a trace left of DSB or his stinkiness or the smell of smoke. We took out rugs to go be professionally cleaned, washed all the drapes, the works. My sister, being the young and limber and totally-in-shape person that she is went around my entire house on hands and knees and wiped off all my baseboards. Mom used her floor scrubber vac on all the floors. We vacuumed. We dusted. We threw a ton of shit away, including some nasty furniture.
It looks awesome, I must say, and I am very pleased. Unfortunately for everyone involved, I was in a terrible mood and extremely stressed out. I don’t know what I was stressed out for, other than it was change (but GOOD change) and it was like a “so-long-see-ya” tip of the hit to DSB. I threw away a lot of his stuff. I could have donated some of it, had it been cleaned up, bit was just so nasty and dirty. Gah!
You don’t realize you’re living in a hell-hole until it gets cleaned up. That’s kind of how I feel about things. Kizzie was soooo cute on her new rug in the living room. Wiggling all over it, doing her yoga stretches, rubbing her back. And just laying there, totally content. I think she missed having nice, clean, soft carpet to lay on. That about did it for me right there.
So after getting into a disagreement with mom, upon whence she left and I retreated inside to rest and cry my eyes out, I sat in my living room and stared in awe at everything. I really didn’t think we could get it this clean. And then I cried some more and some more. Then I got up and did a few last-minute chores and went to bed. I was so tired, it wasn’t funny. I could have probably not taken my sleeping pill and fallen asleep. It is therefore strange that I was up at 4:00 a.m.
I work today, because Rock worked for me yesterday, as that was the only day my sister could get off. I’ve never worked a hump-day in the store before but my guess is that it’s more of the same. I’m no worried because Blue Cat and the Big Dawg will be there, so things should go pretty smoothly. I think I’m going to try and lay down now for about an hour and see how that goes. Hopefully I can get a bit more sleep!