A (Hopefully Not) Pissy Day

I’ve been up since 4:00 am.  This is not normal for me.  Usually I sleep until anywhere between 7:30 am and 8:00 am.  And if I took my meds kind late, sometimes until 10:00 am.  Considering that I fell asleep last night around 10:00 pm, it does not bode well for the day that I was up at 4:00 a.m.  More of that mixed bullshit that I seem to have to keep going through.

Now might not have been the best time to quit smoking, but other than hounding my mom for a cigarette yesterday, it has actually been going okay.  Okay, I’m white-knuckling it, to be honest, but at least I haven’t fallen back into the habit.  That’s just over three days, m’dears.  That’s a long time to a quitter and mere seconds to a normal person.

I’ve found that most people generally d0n’t want to give you any props until you have made some “real” progress, like smoke-free for at least one to three months.  Why that is — probably because most people relapse before then.  It doesn’t make sense to me, though.  Wouldn’t you think you would want to praise and encourage from the get-go, so that person feels supported.  The people I am talking about don’t read this blog, so I feel very comfortable sticking my middle finger out at them and screaming, “FUCK YOU!”

Hmmm…thought that would have made me feel a bit better, but it doesn’t.  Maybe it needs to be a face-to-face “fuck you,” although that probably wouldn’t be much good for the relationship.  I’ll just stick to saying it in my head.  Maybe out loud once or twice, shaking my fist at the sky.  Who knows.  This lack of cigarettes makes me crazy.

Speaking of quitting smoking, my mom and sister came over and we cleaned like crazy-women.  There is not a trace left of DSB or his stinkiness or the smell of smoke.  We took out rugs to go be professionally cleaned, washed all the drapes, the works.  My sister, being the young and limber and totally-in-shape person that she is went around my entire house on hands and knees and wiped off all my baseboards.  Mom used her floor scrubber vac on all the floors.  We vacuumed.  We dusted.  We threw a ton of shit away, including some nasty furniture.

It looks awesome, I must say, and I am very pleased.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, I was in a terrible mood and extremely stressed out.  I don’t know what I was stressed out for, other than it was change (but GOOD change) and it was like a “so-long-see-ya” tip of the hit to DSB.  I threw away a lot of his stuff.  I could have donated some of it, had it been cleaned up, bit was just so nasty and dirty.  Gah!

You don’t realize you’re living in a hell-hole until it gets cleaned up.  That’s kind of how I feel about things.  Kizzie was soooo cute on her new rug in the living room.  Wiggling all over it, doing her yoga stretches, rubbing her back.  And just laying there, totally content.  I think she missed having nice, clean, soft carpet to lay on.  That about did it for me right there.

So after getting into a disagreement with mom, upon whence she left and I retreated inside to rest and cry my eyes out, I sat in my living room and stared in awe at everything.  I really didn’t think we could get it this clean.  And then I cried some more and some more.  Then I got up and did a few last-minute chores and went to bed.  I was so tired, it wasn’t funny.  I could have probably not taken my sleeping pill and fallen asleep.  It is therefore strange that I was up at 4:00 a.m.

I work today, because Rock worked for me yesterday, as that was the only day my sister could get off.  I’ve never worked a hump-day in the store before but my guess is that it’s more of the same.  I’m no worried because Blue Cat and the Big Dawg will be there, so things should go pretty smoothly.  I think I’m going to try and lay down now for about an hour and see how that goes.  Hopefully I can get a bit more sleep!


16 thoughts on “A (Hopefully Not) Pissy Day

  1. Hopefully work is a good distraction for you and goes well.

    I am sorry you had such a low period yesterday. You got a lot done, so kudos for that.

    Any victory with any addiction is a good thing. Congrats on three days!

    I am around if you need me…until 2pm,that is ☺


    • Work was slooooow, but I got all filing done and one of my databases updated. Yay for progress. I was also allowed to leave almost 45 minutes early. More yay!

      These low, then high periods seriously suck. It’s really indescribable.

      Thanks on my three-day congrats! Hope your stuff went off without a hitch! ❤ and ((hugs!))


  2. I’m so proud of you for making so much progress…with the house, the quitting thing…My gosh, I want to quit so badly, but don’t even want to try while I’m still in my situation, you can understand that I’m sure. I know that having the house cleaned and organized will help you feel better. Hugs and much love!


    • Thanks, Kim! You will quit when you are ready and is a good time for you. Don’t beat yourself up abut it. Yes, having the house clean and organized does wonders for the ol Mental Health. ❤ and ((hugs!))


    • Amen to that! Sleep is weird and continues to be weird. It doesn’t help with the mixed BS going around. I know you’re always a keyboard away! 😀 ❤ and ((hugs!)) to ya!


  3. I bet I’m not the first person to suggest that you are (1) over-analyzing EVERYTHING and (2) a little hard on yourself. Would you hold anyone else to the standards to which you hold yourself? If the answer is NO, think about that! You might consider cutting yourself some slack!


    • I’m pickin’ up what Mrs. A is puttin’ down for ya. Amen.

      And would include the thought that everyone ’round you is not quite the Superman you believe them to be. Yer in pretty good company, but think waaaay too highly about how much better others function and attempt to compare yerself to others. Dangerous ground, mija.

      You are way too young to know the Pogo comic strip…and I have no desire to figure out how to put a comic strip into a comment. But the phrase is “we have met the enemy, and he is us.” Intergoogle it.

      …MTLI xoxo


        • Years ago a flatmate of mine told me:
          “You only see 10-20% of the problems other people have, but 100% of your own.”
          That was so world changing, I got him to write it down for me. Took (read: is taking) me ages to accept the truth in it though. Even if I know it makes sense in my head, I just don’t feel it. If that makes sense…


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