Over the past few weeks, I have had many successes. Progress has been made, indeed. The mixed episode is still going strong, unfortunately, and sleep and social interactions have been quite bothered.
Yesterday, I was very up and I was very down. I was angry and pissy and entitled. I rode roughshod over people’s feelings, and I do feel badly about that. I didn’t realize just how much my moods were swinging until it all came to a crash today.
Today, I went to visit my mother and, although I had already apologized in an email, I apologized face to face for being so hateful. I explained that it felt like people don’t want to deal with me when I am at my worst, especially her, and that sometimes all I need is a 30-second phone call or text to put my fears to the side. She tried to explain to me how this wasn’t possible.
I really lost it, swung completely into a depression where I actually pondered checking myself into the local psych hospital. I mean, REALLY pondered it. I felt, in that moment, like I had no hope and that no one around me cared. Like I had no one I could reach out to. Of course this is not the case, but this is how I was FEELING.
I felt like being totally self-destructive but I couldn’t get out of the crying jag I was in. A little bit of talk down the road, and I’m back to fine and don’t recognize the me crying my eyes out and talking about being through with life.
I hate these mood swings. Up and down and all around. Sinking me into a pit of despair before being lifted up into a mixed mess of hypomania and agitation. Surely bipolar disorder isn’t meant to be like this. Surely I am alone in my symptoms and my mood swings. I mean, I AM special, after all.
It seems like I don’t talk about these mood swings with Goddess of Mindfulness because we are so busy talking about other things. Well, these mood swings might just be the MOST IMPORTANT things to talk about. If I swing really low and I am by myself, I cry and cry and cry. If I am with other people, I cry and swear and am very angry. When I’m up, its as if nothing is wrong except some extra energy and a bit of agitation.
I told my mom earlier that I can’t keep going on like this. I don’t mean that as a suicidal statement, just as a fact — I can’t keep doing this. It’s killing me and it’s hurting the people around me. I don’t know how to stop doing it and I can’t get in to see my psychiatrist until the first part of August. Almost two months away. I don’t know that I should wait that long.
So, depending on what time of day it is, you may or may not get a Rose that you are otherwise unaccustomed to. There is the happy Rose and the free spirit Rose and the crying and devastated Rose and the hopeless Rose and the goal-centered Rose. They are all the same person, but each one of them comes and goes of their own volition.
I try and use my DBT skills when I start feeling an episode coming on, but it’s hard. It’s fucking hard! Like I said before, maybe I should go back to diary cards. I really hate doing them, but I know they will help. What I do know is that I’ve got to get this ship on an even keel because the lows can be a killer, as can the highs. I need somewhere in between.