Widely Vascillating Mood Changes

Over the past few weeks,  I have had many successes.  Progress has been made, indeed.  The mixed episode is still going strong, unfortunately, and sleep and social interactions have been quite bothered.

Yesterday, I was very up and I was very down.  I was angry and pissy and entitled.  I rode roughshod over people’s feelings, and I do feel badly about that.  I didn’t realize just how much my moods were swinging until it all came to a crash today.

Today, I went to visit my mother and, although I had already apologized in an email, I apologized face to face for being so hateful.  I explained that it felt like people don’t want to deal with me when I am at my worst, especially her, and that sometimes all I need is a 30-second phone call or text to put my fears to the side.  She tried to explain to me how this wasn’t possible.

I really lost it, swung completely into a depression where I actually pondered checking myself into the local psych hospital.  I mean, REALLY pondered it.  I felt, in that moment, like I had no hope and that no one around me cared.  Like I had no one I could reach out to.  Of course this is not the case, but this is how I was FEELING.

I felt like being totally self-destructive but I couldn’t get out of the crying jag I was in.  A little bit of talk down the road, and I’m back to fine and don’t recognize the me crying my eyes out and talking about being through with life.

I hate these mood swings.  Up and down and all around.  Sinking me into a pit of despair before being lifted up into a mixed mess of hypomania and agitation.  Surely bipolar disorder isn’t meant to be like this.  Surely I am alone in my symptoms and my mood swings.  I mean, I AM special, after all.

It seems like I don’t talk about these mood swings with Goddess of Mindfulness because we are so busy talking about other things.  Well, these mood swings might just be the MOST IMPORTANT things to talk about.  If I swing really low and I am by myself, I cry and cry and cry.  If I am with other people, I cry and swear and am very angry.  When I’m up, its as if nothing is wrong except some extra energy and a bit of agitation.

I told my mom earlier that I can’t keep going on like this.  I don’t mean that as a suicidal statement, just as a fact — I can’t keep doing this.  It’s killing me and it’s hurting the people around me.  I don’t know how to stop doing it and I can’t get in to see my psychiatrist until the first part of August.  Almost two months away.  I don’t know that I should wait that long.

So, depending on what time of day it is, you may or may not get a Rose that  you are otherwise unaccustomed to.  There is the happy Rose and the free spirit Rose and the crying and devastated Rose and the hopeless Rose and the goal-centered Rose.  They are all the same person, but each one of them comes and goes of their own volition.

I try and  use my DBT skills when I start feeling an episode coming on, but it’s hard.  It’s fucking hard!  Like I said before, maybe I should go back to diary cards.  I really hate doing them, but I know they will help.  What I do know is that I’ve got to get this ship on an even keel because the lows can be a killer, as can the highs.  I need somewhere in between.

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20 thoughts on “Widely Vascillating Mood Changes

  1. Well, the diary cards might not have to be forever, but it could help in the meantime.

    I am sorry you are going through any of this, now or whenever. I also know exactly how you feel.

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  2. Sounds like rapid cycling and I’m sorry you’re going through it. You’ve gone through so much change lately that I’m not surprised how hard it is right now. I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

    (Putting on mommy sweater and shakes finger) The next time you REALLY feel like you need to check into psych, maybe you REALLY should. Big hugs

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    • Just as info, while wearing a mommy sweater, our local psych check-in is just about enough to drive a sane person to spit out small toads whilst reciting the alphabet backward. Thus, the knowledge of MissSmartiePants to avoid it like a plague-infested rat with wings. 😉

      No bad words intended, just hopefully enlightening ones. And also a hella good post for a future blog, eh, Rosa? 😀

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  3. Remember the ol’ conversations about having an emotion/feeling, and believing you’ve always felt that way and always will feel that way? This is why you must be reminded of reality, especially when rapid cycling.

    Ya think ’tis important to talk with Goddess of M about what’s actually going on, instead of goals? Ya THINK?!? Ahem… last time I checked, you could bring up just about anything you damned well pleased to come up with. What makes ya want to put a face on for yer therapist, for Pete’s sake?!? {sorry Pete} That was a pretty lame-assed response to my question, dontcha know? Believe I know GoM well enough to know she follows, not leads. 😉

    ’tis good to hear you put in words you are not actively suicidal. Will take you at that word. Can you keep doing this? Of course you can. We’ve been doing it for a lifetime. ’tis sometimes an exquisitely painful dance. But ’tis a good dance. A dance of life… a dance of Yes.I.Can… with the occasional fall to the ground tantrum.

    I’m done with what I believe… for now. 😉 …XOXO

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  4. Wow. I’m with Bradley – this sounds like rapid cycling. For me, rapid cycling is slightly less dangerous than a mixed episode – but only slightly. And honestly, no psych appointment until August? 100% unacceptable.

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  5. I’m sorry things are so rough.

    I hate feeling like I’m not wanted. I think it’s probably the worst feeling in the world, and it makes it so hard to be around people. It sucks you’ve been feeling like that. I want you to know I like you, enjoy your “company” (or whatever you call it when it’s on the internet), and think you add a lot to relationships and interactions. I definitely want you around!

    When I have that recurring thought of “I can’t do this anymore,” it sometimes helps to remind myself that I actually AM doing it already. It sucks, but I am managing it. (Admittedly, sometimes I want to throw things at myself when I say it, but usually it helps at least a little.)

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    • Sorry I am waaaay tardy in replying to this comment. If you read my next post, you’ll see why. I appreciate your kind comments and also see you as one of my bloggie buddies. Feeling unwanted is the most terrible, you’re right. What’s worse though, is that sometimes this is what we perceive, even if it isn’t so.

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  6. Oh, lots of hugs! I think you have the right idea, talk with the Goddess about it and these diary cards, how do they work btw?

    Changing meds sucks so much and it definitely sounds like that crash to me.

    Hey, guess what? I needed clean clothes, so the laundry got done. 😀 And I even put most of it away. You inspired me. 🙂

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  7. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Much too much to explain in just a few sentences, but it has helped many people and at the core is mindfulness. Do a Google search and you’ll find tons of information. There are many on the blogosphere (Mental Mama and Sheena to name a few) who have been helped by it tremendously.

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