Where Has Rosa Been?

This is going to be a hard post to write, but I know its necessary.  I feel so much shame and embarrassment, it’s unreal.  I know I shouldn’t.  I know it will be pointed out to me that I have a disease and I was doing what I had to do to manage it.  I guess I just thought I was managing better than I actually was.

There will be no sugar-coating here, just a synopsis of the last several days, and then maybe I can move forward and start posting again.

I have seen so much progress over the course of the last six weeks, so maybe it seemed like everything was fine.  Everything, my friends, was far from fine.  True, I was making progress, but I was also sinking deeper and deeper into a cycle, where I finally came to the point that I was suicidal.  I didn’t feel like I could go on with how things currently were.  I was desparate for relief and knew the only solution was to go see my pdoc again and see if my meds could be changed again.

I went to the city to see Dr. Wizard on Thursday afternoon, and by 5:0o pm, was headed into an inpatient psychiatric hospital ward.  I was really nervous because I had been to this place before and had only managed about 36 hours before demanding to be set free.  That’s just how horrible it was this last time.  This time I had no choice.  No other beds were open in my part of the state.  I decided I would give it a try.

The non-stop crying spells lasted from Thursday through Sunday.  You couldn’t do anything less than smile at me, and I’d be uncontrollably sobbing.  The majority of the staff were exceptionally nice, and the other patients left me along for the most part.

I was very lucky that my dad came and saw me on each visitation.  It really meant a lot to me, and he brought snacks and change for the soda machines so I could have a little caffeine.  We didn’t talk much, it seems, during our visits.  It was nice knowing he was there, though.

I talked to QoB a few times each day.  The store was really busy while I was gone, so they weren’t able to make it out, but I understood.  What would have happened is that I would have started crying and then QoB would have started crying and we wouldn’t be able to stop.  No parent wants to see their kid in this shape.

I saw the ARNP on Friday and she is taking me off Geodon and adding Ablify.  So far, it seems to have pepped me up some.  I am still experiencing  extreme anxiety and a fair amount of depression.  I really hope I start to feel better soon because I don’t want to go back.

I have developed a very low, extremely low tolerance for any kind of bullshit, so there’s not a lot I can take.  I feel like I should have seen this coming sooner and done something drastic, but as Dr. Wizard says, there was nothing he could do medically outside of send me to the hospital.  I guess I understand that.

So now I’m back and I’m still teary and kind of depressed and really anxious.  And foggy.  But I’m back.  I hope to be able to start posting regularly soon.  Fingers and toes and eyes crossed.


29 thoughts on “Where Has Rosa Been?

  1. So my “like” is a hug, empathy and love all in one.

    Like you said, you had done (and been) through so much over the last six weeks. Don’t write that all off because of this period. You started to see the signs, you got help because you needed it. I do get the feeling of being embarrassed and ashamed, so I won’t tell you to just stop, but try to be gentler with yourself, please.

    You know where I am if you need me. ❤ to you, my flower-sister 🙂


    • It really is hard to not write off all that progress. I spent my entire 45 minute drive to therapy reliving every conversation I ever had with DSB and trying to figure out how to make that work and deciding it was my fault. I am my OWN worst enemy.

      And that’s the focus this week — being kinder and gentler to myself. Here’s hoping I have that ability.


        • Not so hot. I blogged a little bit about it on Building Rome (the one I just wrote) and plan to write another one before close of day today. Things are sucking and I am not being nice to myself — not a good combo! Thanks for checking in on me!


    • ((hugs))

      You WILL get through this. You might not know how yet, but something will come along and your life will be changed. In lieu of that time coming, I am sending lots of prayers and thoughts your way. ❤ ya!


  2. I’m sorry to hear about what happened, but I’m glad you sought help and are doing a little bit better now. Hopefully the Abilify will get you back on track and you can keep making progress.


  3. I’m sorry things are so rough. I’m glad, though, that you were able to get some help and make some progress, even though things are still hard. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.


    • Thanks, Hope. Yep, sometimes you’ve just got to reach out for help. I’m glad I did, or I probably wouldn’t be sitting here. You know how that goes, I know. Thanks for the good thoughts — I need ’em!


    • I know I shouldn’t, it’s just kind of what my brain is stuck on right now. I am working on getting it unstuck, however, and some progress has been made during therapy. We shall see.


  4. Momma sez…. just remember when yer makin’ those faces…ya may not want to do it, because it might just stick there. Know you’ve been told. LOL… yeah, what my grandma said. 😉


    • Ah, ’tis life, or rather, my life, I suppose. And yes, the Dad is most awesome. I just spent the last 30 minutes on the phone with him — started off crying and left feeling at least a bit better.


    • Ahhh it’s ok. There will be more where this comes from. I think I am going to put a disclaimer on my next post about that I am not begging for sympathy, that life really just does suck right now. Or something. I don’t want people to think I’m just whining, even though I kinda am.

      Appreciate the hugs, as always, and the self-kindness is much needed. I can’t remember a time when I experienced such self-loathing. Maybe I should blog about it.


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