The rub within, is that if DSB had fought for me at the end, I would have let him stay. It would have been foolish, but I would have had some sort of “proof” that there was love between us. In the final six months of the DSB and Rosa saga, I became his caretaker, his amazingly unappreciated caretaker, and that drove a wedge between us. Maybe if that hadn’t all happened, maybe he’d be sleeping in the back room right now and I would be snoozing away, because I wouldn’t have had so many terrible thoughts chasing each other in my mind.
While I am doing much better, I am deep down still grieving that loss. Through all the comments and the well-wishes in the responses section, I can tell you that — I am grieving. How long will I grieve, how long can I expect this to last? That’s what I want to know, because it is affecting my day-to-day life. I jumped headfirst into an online flirty-type friendship because then, someone was giving me the attention that I had so been dying for. When it became clear that nothing would come of that flirty-type relationship, and we decided to just be friends, I was hurt and frustrated, but relieved, all at the same time. I could stop trying so hard, stop making a fool of myself.
I don’t think I can have another relationship, of any kind, right now, or possibly in the next long while. I just need someone to love me, to pay attention to me, and I am looking for it in the wrong places. After my last two relationships, I can’t have another wherein I am not paid attention to, in which I am ignored or made to feel unloved. I know this isn’t just in my head. This is really happening, or not happening, as the case may be. How hard is it to say, “I love you” once in awhile? How hard is it to reach out and give your partner’s arm a squeeze or give a hug or touch them in any non-sexual way? In both relationships, I nearly felt like a leper, there was so little human contact.
I may have my problems, but I know how to love someone, how to treat them well, and look after them. I have many good qualities of which I am aware, and they outnumber any minuses on my side, such as having bipolar disorder or being overweight or not being ultra-feminine. I know I am a catch, and I will wait around as long as it takes to find someone that truly appreciates this. I can’t go through what I’ve gone through before, and I hope I never have to.
I want that “happily-ever-after” love and I know it is out there. I have seen it, witnessed it in both sets of parents and many other couples. It takes hard work and there is going to be some disagreeing, and fighting, but, at end of day, if I could just find someone who loves me as much as my Dad loves his wife or as much as my mom loves the Big Dawg, then everything would be golden. I do believe it can happen.
Even if I have to move to Russia and wear one of those hats.