Or how about this — how about stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to control smile, worth, and attitude? To shame and to increase self-blame and to think ever-so-lowly of oneself? To stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to make all of Rosa so damn miserable? To stop all the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the negative string of tapes that play inside the head? To just stop it?
I am my own worst critic — always have been, probably always will be. My mom has been saying it for years, as well as Goddess of Mindfulness, and I get that comment in this blog often. I let the dark side of me rule the rest of me, until I am all dark, nothing I do is right, and I am a failure at everything.
Now, sometimes I can rise above all this. Sometimes I can see that I’m being too hard on myself or that I need to give myself some credit. I’m not always miserable, and so much of me has become accustomed to that negative tape in my head, that it’s not always so unbearably loud. But it’s always there. I don’t think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make it go completely away. I just have to keep learning how to silence it slowly.
I want to give myself permission to be happy, and I think I am doing that more and more these days. I am letting myself have friends without that deep fear of rejection. I am connecting with my sister in such a strong and profound way. I have Baby O and all his amazingness in my life — he makes me want to be a better person. I am letting myself be open and honest with my parents, about my needs, my wants, my wishes.
It is a work in progress, but more and more I cede control to the side of Rosa that is standing in the light. To the side that is resilient and beautiful and happy and hopeful. Deep in the darkness, it is hard to find that side, but she is there all along.