Permission to Be Happy

your attitude

 

Or how about this — how about stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to control smile, worth, and attitude?  To shame and to increase self-blame and to think ever-so-lowly of oneself?  To stop giving the dark side of Rosa the power to make all of Rosa so damn miserable?  To stop all the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the negative string of tapes that play inside the head?  To just stop it?

I am my own worst critic — always have been, probably always will be.  My mom has been saying it for years, as well as Goddess of Mindfulness, and I get that comment in this blog often.  I let the dark side of me rule the rest of me, until I am all dark, nothing I do is right, and I am a failure at everything.

Now, sometimes I can rise above all this.  Sometimes I can see that I’m being too hard on myself or that I need to give myself some credit.  I’m not always miserable, and so much of me has become accustomed to that negative tape in my head, that it’s not always so unbearably loud.  But it’s always there.  I don’t think any amount of medication or therapy will ever make it go completely away.  I just have to keep learning how to silence it slowly.

I want to give myself permission to be happy, and I think I am doing that more and more these days.  I am letting myself have friends without that deep fear of rejection.  I am connecting with my sister in such a strong and profound way.  I have Baby O and all his amazingness in my life — he makes me want to be a better person.  I am letting myself be open and honest with my parents, about my needs, my wants, my wishes.

It is a work in progress, but more and more I cede control to the side of Rosa that is standing in the light.  To the side that is resilient and beautiful and happy and hopeful.  Deep in the darkness, it is hard to find that side, but she is there all along.

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16 thoughts on “Permission to Be Happy

  1. Hey! Good for you! 🙂 I wish you loads of stamina – in my experience that voice is pretty tough…. You are so much better than the dark side wants you to believe. Let the battle begin! (/continue, since you seem to be well underway ;))

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    • Thanks, Jesska! I always love your comments. 🙂 Yes, the battle has begun and is ongoing. I have spent a good piece of the last hour telling myself I am no good, because of something so silly. I’m snapping out of it now, talking myself out of it, because I just can’t stand to be feeling that way.

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    • Yes, I really like that idea of there being a side in the light as well. The thought to cede all control to that side only occurred recently, however. ❤ and ((hugs)) dear friend!

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  2. But the dark side has cookies! (sorry, bad joke)

    You are totally making progress. The Rosa of today is lighter and cheerier than the Rosa I met many months ago. It’s a gradual thing.

    Do you think it would help if you tried to make a habit of writing down one good thing about yourself every day? Like before bed just jot down one good thing that you observed about yourself that day. Maybe?

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    • Yes, and the cookies are poison, but sooo delicious. 🙂

      I’m glad to hear you say you think I’m a lighter and cheerier Rosa now than months ago. I’d like to think that, too. Everything was always so dark, especially with DSB lurking around.

      I think writing down one thing good about myself everyday is a GREAT idea. I just put a little tablet next to my computer with a pen. And maybe I’ll even blog it, who knows. Thanks for the suggestion! 🙂

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  3. Yer singin’ my song, g’friend. 🙂 As you know me, well, my M.O. is normally an energetic, happy, slappy, balls to the wall kinda critter. Occasionally in this good life, I’ve listened to the demons within (or without) and forgot the “me” I’m capable of being. Believe you’ve been witnessing that for quite some time now, plus the struggle to reach back in and pull myself up. Hella struggle, ain’t it? 😉

    Love, love, love your quote. A real keeper to pin up and revisit… often. …XOXO

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    • Really is a hella struggle, and the struggle keeps on going. Hopefully someday it won’t be such a struggle and you and I and all those struggling will be at a greater peace. You have come a long way down that road and I still have many, many more to travel.

      xoxo

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