The blog experts say you’re not supposed to apologize or try to explain away absences. I feel that I want to talk about it, because it seems to be a recurring problem that I don’t want to have. And since my blog is where I talk about such things, the blog experts will just have to go criticize elsewhere.
I must say, I had felt pretty committed to blogging every day after my therapist had recommended it and QoB and a few friends seconded it. I did ok for a couple days, and now have had this big dry spell again. On the days I don’t blog, I do try to blog. I sit in my chair and I type and I type and I absolutely hate everything I write. Hate it to the point that not even I want to read it.
I do better when I blog every day, and I don’t exactly have a lack of things going on, but I feel like I am lacking in brain-power, if that makes sense. There is a fog that has been cast over me, and things don’t add up, not inside my brain, not between my brain and my heart. And I can’t find the right words. And I find myself not being able to string any sort of sentences together. It is very frustrating, and I am not going to post the three or four sentences that I do manage to get out, because, well, they don’t make sense! At least not to me.
I think another major thing holding me back is this sadness that is currently cast over life right now. It’s not something I will blog about because of privacy c0ncerns, but it is hitting me hard and is pervading all areas of my life.
I am not depressed and don’t feel like I am headed that direction. I am having a lot of anxiety, and I am sad. Both tend to immobilize me, but on many days I am still getting out and doing social things, going to work, taking care of Kizzie, and taking care of my health. It is nearly a pattern that, on my days off, you would think I would work at being productive and spend time going to appointments and seeing people, but its the opposite. On those days off, I have jampacked my days on so full, that I am wiped out.
It’s like I literally need my days off to recuperate from every event, party, dinner invitation, and lost night’s sleep. I am over-doing. Over-doing is increasing my sad and anxious feelings. It is immobilizing my writing. It is taking over my happiness and my good feelings.
To end on a high note:
Two weeks, three days, 6 hours, 49 minutes and 42 seconds not smoking. 1037 cigarettes not smoked, saving $140.00. Life saved: 3 days, 14 hours, 25 minutes.
Hooray for that…that, I am still doing well on.