Can’t Find the Beat

The blog experts say you’re not supposed to apologize or try to explain away absences.  I feel that I want to talk about it, because it seems to be a recurring problem that I don’t want to have.  And since my blog is where I talk about such things, the blog experts will just have to go criticize elsewhere.

I must say, I had felt pretty committed to blogging every day after my therapist had recommended it and QoB and a few friends seconded it.  I did ok for a couple days, and now have had this big dry spell again.  On the days I don’t blog, I do try to blog.  I sit in my chair and I type and I type and I absolutely hate everything I write.  Hate it to the point that not even I want to read it.

I do better when I blog every day, and I don’t exactly have a lack of things going on, but I feel like I am lacking in brain-power, if that makes sense.  There is a fog that has been cast over me, and things don’t add up, not inside my brain, not between my brain and my heart.  And I can’t find the right words.  And I find myself not being able to string any sort of sentences together.  It is very frustrating, and I am not going to post the three or four sentences that I do manage to get out, because, well, they don’t make sense!  At least not to me.

I think another major thing holding me back is this sadness that is currently cast over life right now.  It’s not something I will blog about because of privacy c0ncerns, but it is hitting me hard and is pervading all areas of my life.

I am not depressed and don’t feel like I am headed that direction.  I am having a lot of anxiety, and I am sad.  Both tend to immobilize me, but on many days I am still getting out and doing social things, going to work, taking care of Kizzie, and taking care of my health.  It is nearly a pattern that, on my days off, you would think I would work at being productive and spend time going to appointments and seeing people, but its the opposite.  On those days off, I have jampacked my days on so full, that I am wiped out.

It’s like I literally need my days off to recuperate from every event, party, dinner invitation, and lost night’s sleep.  I am over-doing.  Over-doing is increasing my sad and anxious feelings.  It is immobilizing my writing.  It is taking over my happiness and my good feelings.

To end on a high note:

Two weeks, three days, 6 hours, 49 minutes and 42 seconds not smoking. 1037 cigarettes not smoked, saving $140.00. Life saved: 3 days, 14 hours, 25 minutes.

Hooray for that…that, I am still doing well on.

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16 thoughts on “Can’t Find the Beat

  1. Blogging every day is not for everyone. It took me a while — more than a year — to work up to it. I still take vacations from it. And I’m prolific and professional. Write as often as is comfortable and feels good. Writing isn’t mechanical. You have to feel it or it sounds forced.

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    • You’re probably right. I think what I need to do is write whenever I’m feeling like it, and like you said, try not to force it. Part of that is actually writing when I’m feeling like it, and not find something else to do.

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  2. Blogging experts? Really? Interesting, I joke about Blog Police but never thought about those types of people. What makes them experts? Do they get a special badge from World- Wide WordPress Tumblr Blogger and Whoever Else Authority? Is it shiny and pretty, because then I may want one for show only 😉

    I am sorry you have a lot going on that is causing emotional upheaval. I think you literally have to schedule you-time sometimes, just like you schedule work or other appointments. I know, easier said than done sometimes, but it’s something. (yes I am being a hypocrite with that advice, but do as I say and all that kind of thing…)

    AWESOME on the no-smoking front! You Rock!!

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    • I actually have a big, sparkly, multi-colored badge for you, taped to my fridge just waiting for you to come pick it up! And it clearly says “for show only” and has the seals of all the major blogging websites on it. 😀

      Scheduling “me” time…why must that be so hard, and why must I want to just read and play on the computer once my me time has come? Why can’t I engage in gainful activities? Gah!

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  3. Wait, there’s blogging experts? I am SCREWED! Hopefully my tiny little blog never gets their attention.

    I have no idea how people blog daily. Cheers to you guys that can, but me… I squeak by with once a week.

    Super congrats on not smoking! I’ve watched so many people struggle with that challenge. You are kicking ass in that department!

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    • Hi Melanie! Yes, there are blogging experts out there…maybe not real, certified ones, but there are always those well-meaning commenters who tell you exactly what you can and can’t do with your blog. Or at least, there have been for me.

      Sometimes I can keep going with the daily thing, missing a few days here or there, but lately it has been mission impossible to blog, period. Gonna keep working on it though! 🙂

      Thank you for your kind words on not smoking. It really can be a struggle. Some days are better than others, often with no rhyme or reason to it!

      Really appreciate you coming by! 🙂

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  4. Yikes! I didn’t know there were blogging experts. Thanks for the warning. I try to blog each day, but some days just have nothing in the world worth saying, at least not in public. Nothing really funny has happened lately, so really not that much to share. What is left to tell after the neighbor blows up his apartment, leaving you homeless for 3 weeks while they are drying your apartment out, and cleaning up the water and smoke damage, and trying to get the chemical odor out of the air???

    I’m really proud of your success with the smoking thing. I’ve watched so many people try and fail before they finally win that battle that I know it has to be difficult for everyone to do. Keep counting the additional days of life, or if that gets too depressing, try my solution, and find something to laugh about every day. Hard to do most days, but today I saw a reminder of a former neighbor in the corridor, when someone vacuumed the hall and turned up a toothpick he always threw away in that hallway. Nasty habit that made us dislike him, but it made me laugh to think he has been gone for a month but his toothpicks live on.

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    • Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your situation! I hope things get settled for you soon!

      And that is good advice from you, finding something to laugh about every day. Going to put a bit of a focus on that…will probably help, and if not, I had a good laugh!

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  5. 1. Fuck the “blogging experts”!! Do what works for YOU!! This thing shouldn’t add to your pain and anxiety, it should support you. 2. Good for you for writing at all!! 3. You are functioning like a badass!! I am jealous. 4. I am sorry to hear of your struggles, I will keep you in my thoughts. 5. YOU KICK ASS TO QUIT SMOKING!!!!! Keep it up, sister!! 😀

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  6. Any writer, past, present or future, who will say that they have the juices flowing to their pens/quills/fingers-on-keyboard, all the time, are living a lie! We all go have our off days, our uninspired afternoons, writer’s block. Even Shakespeare went through dry spells. Don’t fret.

    As for your sadness, of you don’t think you’re headed for depression, maybe, are you mourning a loss, a passing of a phase, a stage? We all know that everything in our lives is always so fluid—becoming, passing, fleeting. But we all need the opportunity to embrace it wholely before we let it go. Hugs to you.

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  7. Here’s the beat….

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happppeeee when skies are grey. You’ll never know deeeaaar, how much I love you, please don’t take…. my sunshine… awaaaaay…

    Giddyup…. XOXO

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  8. Checking in, Rosa. I hope you’re doing well.
    We have our first cold night of the fall and as you can imagine, we’re not doing our garden duties so I wonder if anything will be affected. How are your plants?

    My best,
    Cynthia.

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