I Will Always Be Rosa

I feel like I have a lot to do right now.  I am working more, now that is just QoB and The Rock and myself.  That’s ok though, I’m good with that.  I think before I had too much free time and I used that free time in negative ways.  We are looking at doing something flexible at least  until Spring.  The schedule has never been so laid-back.  Hell, the store has never been so laid-back.  I am hoping we are going to be just fine.

I made myself the biggest ta-do list today at work.  I have several doctors appointments and tests I need to set up and get written down on my calendar because well, I have missed several lately.  I don’t know when it happened that I became unable to remember small things, like a date and time, from the time at the doctor’s office until I was home 20 minutes later.  Probably the meds frying my brain, a little more each day as time goes on.

Seems like  things might be speeding up now, but I probably couldn’t get QoB or the Big Dawg to see it.  But that’s ok, because everyone, from the parents to the kids and out to the friends — everyone is processing this their own way.  I am still feeling very angry and anxious, and that encapsulates more than just my parents breaking up.

That is the whole big-picture-enchilada.  I am angry with so-called friends and with people who slap a label on my forehead and deem me somewhat less significant.  Of course, I whined about this previously in “Because That Phrase Doesn’t Work”, so if one didn’t get enough of it in this post, there is more to be found.  About how some people suck and treat you differently because you have bipolar disorder and about how you have lost all your friends.

And as stated before, there are some people that I am done.done.done with, some situations that will not ever change, and I am just worn out on trying to make certain things better, when it would require the consent and action of another human being who listens to nothing and no one, has no respect.

I truly thought I would wake up today and feel differently about aforementioned subjects.  I don’t.  I’m still mad as hell.  I’m still cutting people out of my life.  I am still mourning the fact that all my so-called friends turned out to not even be as steady in my life as an acquaintance.  I would never daresay “life isn’t fair” because, well NO SHIT!  I would not call myself brave or courageous because I have persevered through some hard stuff — did I really have a choice in the matter?  Try or die.  What a choice, right?  And I am glad I chose life every time.

And no matter how hard things are, how elusive the answers seem to be, I will always, always, always be just me, just Rosa.

beauty begins

 


 

I went back and read this post after publishing and I am sorely wanting to take it down.  It just looks ugly and disjointed to me, and I’m not sure I got across what I was going to say.  I think I will leave it up, though, because I am sure I could do a lot worse, and I really need to get this stuff out there, even if I am repeating myself.  Responses to comments tomorrow!  I have the time scheduled in!  🙂

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13 thoughts on “I Will Always Be Rosa

  1. We all do the best we can with what we’ve got. The more stress you are under, the more things you are likely to forget. Get a big calendar, put it in your kitchen, and write appointments in marker so you can see them. It’s not just we old folks that forget stuff. My granddaughter forgets a lot of stuff and she’s just 18.

    I know you have trouble believing it, but being in the moment right now magnifies events swirling around you. Distorting them. It will take time to sort it out. There are a lot of people in the vortex, all of them upset and unhappy, probably saying and doing stuff they don’t mean because they are so upset.

    It will calm down and then things will start to take shape. Don’t make hard and fast decisions just yet. Wait a bit till everyone and everything settles down some. Things will look different. Not necessarily better (or worse). Just different.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So many words of wisdom in those paragraphs. I think you are definitely right about not making any set decisions about anything right now. And some day, like you say, things will different. I could use different.

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  2. I’m sure you wanted to vent more than get advice, but the advice is coming…use your cell phone. I can’t remember anything so it’s all programmed into the phone. And I do mean everything. It’s ridiculous how often my alarm goes off during the day, but I need it that way.

    I’m glad you chose to keep this post up. The fact you left it up after thinking about it shows that it was important.

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  3. This is actually a really good post Rosa, it’s very raw and real, and kind of shows your vulnerability but not in a “Oh woe is me” way. You’re really good at learning what you need to do to cope and to protect yourself, while remaining realistic about your ongoing struggles. Keep strong lovely lady 🙂

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    • Thanks so much Vanessa-Jane. And I feel like I am doing a lot of that learning on the fly, but such is life. I really am appreciating your kind and encouraging words, especially right now, when the niceness of life is lacking.

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  4. Honesty is damn near always a good thing. 🙂

    And try not to feel too bad about forgetting about appointments with docs. I learned the hard way that I need to have the secretary write my appointment down on one of those little cards so that when I get home I can enter it on all the different calendars I use in the hopes that at least one of them will get my attention.

    For whatever it’s worth, I think you’re doing great. *HUGS*

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  5. It’s what you needed to say at the moment, so I say leave it up.

    I really need to break out my planner again, thanks for the reminders. and of course, ((hugs)) as always.

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  6. I am TERRIBLE at remembering things. I always have a notebook with me so I can note down times and dates and stuff because even if it’s something I’m looking forward to, I’ll probably double book myself or just forget.

    I’m all for having a clean-up of people in my life. I’m sad to hear that people have let you down, but it’s great that you’re strong enough to get rid of these people. You sound so much stronger than you were a few months ago.

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