It’s the turn of the seasons, and like clockwork, my mood shifted too. Already going through a stressful time, the little neurochemicals in my brain started going extra haywire around the time change (which coincided with crap weather for my area) and I forgot and lost a grip on all I at one time treasured. And maybe that’s really too charitable.
I had been losing a grip on the things I cared about for a long time. Staying in more, doing less, hibernating, not talking to friends online or otherwise, not blogging, not keeping with other blogs, not reading, not watching TV, playing with the pups. Literally, just doing nothing. And not really caring.
Now, today, I can say I care a little bit, but it comes and it comes and it goes and for the last long while I have cared very little about much of anything, particularly not my own well-being. Those feelings will come back, I know, maybe when I am done writing this post, or the hours where the sun sets, or tomorrow sometime.
For the meantime, I can pretend that I care about my life, my well-being, myself in general. It will get me just so far. I can go through the motions of things people say are supposed to make me feel better. Maybe that will eventually get me stronger, get me more ready to take on the world everyday, so I can not cry anytime someone other than a customer at work asks me how I am doing.
So I will try, in my head and my feet, my heart and spirit aren’t there yet. Maybe a day soon upcoming. I always come out of a depression slowly. This one has been dragging on for a while and I know it will end at some point in time (deep in my head I know that, but my heart forgets) and I will plead to the Gods Of Bipolarity to not send me a mixed or manic episode, but to humor me with something close to stability.